Country living

sirbhp

LE
Book Reviewer
So me an Mrs BHP decided at fer 50 0dd years of city living we would retire to the health and beauty of the country. The Cotswold's were out of our price range and the Surrey stockbroker belt wer'nt out type of people. So we ended up out in the wonderful countryside of South Essex. Well we do live in the country in a sweet bungalow in a well sought after village . The village is smashing but not chocolate box pretty, and once we signed in the the local doctors we were immediately given super TETANUS injections because the disease is endemic in the soil here.
We didint realy take heed of the warning our vendors gave us to run and hide every time we see a tractorr , after a few years we both got hay fever and the mrs now suffers from Asthma, despite a lifetime of living in North London where the air was blue and tastes of oil. It turns out the village is a "hot spot" for respiratory diseases.

Getting back to the tractors every harvest time we have a blizzard of bits of straw, dust and harvest flies. When we take down the nets and curtains to wash there always full of grit an dust which makes yore arms itch when you handle them, the cars gets covered in bits of field and if you dont wash it and yer window weekly they grow spuds. We beleive the fecking farmer kills all our seven species of bees with his sprays .

Talking of growing spuds , my beautiful box hedging which took a long time and a lot of money to get into shape was raved overnight by BOX BLIGHT, every apple on my four trees gets a worm to itself and the pears from three trees grow soot . my Plums all withered and died even the two new once I planted and the sodding pigeons eat all me cherries before they grow past green lumps , talking of pigeons they shite all over me new blue stone extended patio and destroy my rambling roses by shaking of all the flowers the magpies chase all the nice wee singing birds out of the place an all i got left is a couple of robins! Moat of the neighbours who have never left the village think that they own ALL of it .

My apricots wont grow bigger than peas and my spuds grow white stuff and worm holes . Don't even mention Clematis rot back .

You cant hear a sound some days , just the beating of you're own heart you can see a load of sky and its fantastic , in the village we even have our own bit of sky . When it looks like rain or snow the old folk tell us "nah that's not our sky , our sky is over there and its going to keep dry " and you know what they are always bloody right. We live on the not too far side of the out of town shopping and it takes us five minutes or so to get there and ten minutes to go to town where ALL the locals think that we live in the back an beyond sleep with our mothers have Webb feet and glow at night .
All the villagers moan and complain about one particular Essex councilor and then vote him back in every bloody election! Ive stopped taking the "local" paper because most of its content is about Basildon ,which as any fule noes is in another planet.

Did I mention that the village is very quiet and that people stick to themselves ? but they pop over to assist you if yer car battery is flat , youve locked yerself out or need a lift to the airport, hospital or the legion ? My Roses are of exhibition quality whilst i dont leave me front door open crime ( apart from drink driving ) is almost unheard of here , all my insurances are at least three quarters or more cheaper than living in London the buses arrive like clockwork and the doctors are pretty good as long as you tell them whats wrong with you and what meds you want .

The grandchildren loved to visit our (to them) ginormous garden and a quick trip to the seaside and adventure playground ten minutes away .
I just just love County living. I cant remember why I started this post now .
 
So me an Mrs BHP decided at fer 50 0dd years of city living we would retire to the health and beauty of the country. The Cotswold's were out of our price range and the Surrey stockbroker belt wer'nt out type of people. So we ended up out in the wonderful countryside of South Essex. Well we do live in the country in a sweet bungalow in a well sought after village . The village is smashing but not chocolate box pretty, and once we signed in the the local doctors we were immediately given super TETANUS injections because the disease is endemic in the soil here.
We didint realy take heed of the warning our vendors gave us to run and hide every time we see a tractorr , after a few years we both got hay fever and the mrs now suffers from Asthma, despite a lifetime of living in North London where the air was blue and tastes of oil. It turns out the village is a "hot spot" for respiratory diseases.

Getting back to the tractors every harvest time we have a blizzard of bits of straw, dust and harvest flies. When we take down the nets and curtains to wash there always full of grit an dust which makes yore arms itch when you handle them, the cars gets covered in bits of field and if you dont wash it and yer window weekly they grow spuds. We beleive the fecking farmer kills all our seven species of bees with his sprays .

Talking of growing spuds , my beautiful box hedging which took a long time and a lot of money to get into shape was raved overnight by BOX BLIGHT, every apple on my four trees gets a worm to itself and the pears from three trees grow soot . my Plums all withered and died even the two new once I planted and the sodding pigeons eat all me cherries before they grow past green lumps , talking of pigeons they shite all over me new blue stone extended patio and destroy my rambling roses by shaking of all the flowers the magpies chase all the nice wee singing birds out of the place an all i got left is a couple of robins! Moat of the neighbours who have never left the village think that they own ALL of it .

My apricots wont grow bigger than peas and my spuds grow white stuff and worm holes . Don't even mention Clematis rot back .

You cant hear a sound some days , just the beating of you're own heart you can see a load of sky and its fantastic , in the village we even have our own bit of sky . When it looks like rain or snow the old folk tell us "nah that's not our sky , our sky is over there and its going to keep dry " and you know what they are always bloody right. We live on the not too far side of the out of town shopping and it takes us five minutes or so to get there and ten minutes to go to town where ALL the locals think that we live in the back an beyond sleep with our mothers have Webb feet and glow at night .
All the villagers moan and complain about one particular Essex councilor and then vote him back in every bloody election! Ive stopped taking the "local" paper because most of its content is about Basildon ,which as any fule noes is in another planet.

Did I mention that the village is very quiet and that people stick to themselves ? but they pop over to assist you if yer car battery is flat , youve locked yerself out or need a lift to the airport, hospital or the legion ? My Roses are of exhibition quality whilst i dont leave me front door open crime ( apart from drink driving ) is almost unheard of here , all my insurances are at least three quarters or more cheaper than living in London the buses arrive like clockwork and the doctors are pretty good as long as you tell them whats wrong with you and what meds you want .

The grandchildren loved to visit our (to them) ginormous garden and a quick trip to the seaside and adventure playground ten minutes away .
I just just love County living. I cant remember why I started this post now .
Clarkson walt
 
Clarkson walt

Just watching him on @mazon.............one wonders if @sirbhp has himself an impressive younger piece of totty as his other half too. Following further in Clarksons footsteps he could also open, if not a farm shop then at least, a 'garden shop' operating out of his sh*d. He could sell branded t-shirts and other products, such as tins marked up with 'smells like the barrack room the morning after a curry', bottles of whiskey labelled, 'Razzman's Revenge', collector edition window sill display boxes of OMO, and various gastronomic delights carefully packaged as compo.
 

Troy

LE
Sounds like you're talking about Great Wakering. I know it fairly well.
66061133_2515066745180946_4668598681606291456_n.jpg
 
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Just watching him on @mazon.............one wonders if @sirbhp has himself an impressive younger piece of totty as his other half too. Following further in Clarksons footsteps he could also open, if not a farm shop then at least, a 'garden shop' operating out of his sh*d. He could sell branded t-shirts and other products, such as tins marked up with 'smells like the barrack room the morning after a curry', bottles of whiskey labelled, 'Razzman's Revenge', collector edition window sill display boxes of OMO, and various gastronomic delights carefully packaged as compo.
What if he IS Clarkson....
 
So me an Mrs BHP decided at fer 50 0dd years of city living we would retire to the health and beauty of the country. The Cotswold's were out of our price range and the Surrey stockbroker belt wer'nt out type of people. So we ended up out in the wonderful countryside of South Essex. Well we do live in the country in a sweet bungalow in a well sought after village . The village is smashing but not chocolate box pretty, and once we signed in the the local doctors we were immediately given super TETANUS injections because the disease is endemic in the soil here.
We didint realy take heed of the warning our vendors gave us to run and hide every time we see a tractorr , after a few years we both got hay fever and the mrs now suffers from Asthma, despite a lifetime of living in North London where the air was blue and tastes of oil. It turns out the village is a "hot spot" for respiratory diseases.

Getting back to the tractors every harvest time we have a blizzard of bits of straw, dust and harvest flies. When we take down the nets and curtains to wash there always full of grit an dust which makes yore arms itch when you handle them, the cars gets covered in bits of field and if you dont wash it and yer window weekly they grow spuds. We beleive the fecking farmer kills all our seven species of bees with his sprays .

Talking of growing spuds , my beautiful box hedging which took a long time and a lot of money to get into shape was raved overnight by BOX BLIGHT, every apple on my four trees gets a worm to itself and the pears from three trees grow soot . my Plums all withered and died even the two new once I planted and the sodding pigeons eat all me cherries before they grow past green lumps , talking of pigeons they shite all over me new blue stone extended patio and destroy my rambling roses by shaking of all the flowers the magpies chase all the nice wee singing birds out of the place an all i got left is a couple of robins! Moat of the neighbours who have never left the village think that they own ALL of it .

My apricots wont grow bigger than peas and my spuds grow white stuff and worm holes . Don't even mention Clematis rot back .

You cant hear a sound some days , just the beating of you're own heart you can see a load of sky and its fantastic , in the village we even have our own bit of sky . When it looks like rain or snow the old folk tell us "nah that's not our sky , our sky is over there and its going to keep dry " and you know what they are always bloody right. We live on the not too far side of the out of town shopping and it takes us five minutes or so to get there and ten minutes to go to town where ALL the locals think that we live in the back an beyond sleep with our mothers have Webb feet and glow at night .
All the villagers moan and complain about one particular Essex councilor and then vote him back in every bloody election! Ive stopped taking the "local" paper because most of its content is about Basildon ,which as any fule noes is in another planet.

Did I mention that the village is very quiet and that people stick to themselves ? but they pop over to assist you if yer car battery is flat , youve locked yerself out or need a lift to the airport, hospital or the legion ? My Roses are of exhibition quality whilst i dont leave me front door open crime ( apart from drink driving ) is almost unheard of here , all my insurances are at least three quarters or more cheaper than living in London the buses arrive like clockwork and the doctors are pretty good as long as you tell them whats wrong with you and what meds you want .

The grandchildren loved to visit our (to them) ginormous garden and a quick trip to the seaside and adventure playground ten minutes away .
I just just love County living. I cant remember why I started this post now .
 

Bubbles_Barker

LE
Book Reviewer
As far as one is aware Brentwood may be in Sarf Essex, however it is not a village. I wouldn't worry about respitory ailments, you are sure to be run over by an electric scooter.
 

sirbhp

LE
Book Reviewer
No I am not young clarkson an I have never seen his farm ever ever .
 

No Boots

Clanker
Ah Wakering, Little or Great? Much of my growing up spent in Great Wakering area and many an hour spent in the Exhibition.
Maternal side are from there but haven't been there for 30 odd years so no doubt much has changed, now an overspill for Shoebury & Southend?
Mind you two minutes walk on the Common and you could be in another world.
Interesting story regarding the Duck pond attached

Edit file too large. search for The Wakering Gun by M F Christophers
 
So me an Mrs BHP decided at fer 50 0dd years of city living we would retire to the health and beauty of the country. The Cotswold's were out of our price range and the Surrey stockbroker belt wer'nt out type of people. So we ended up out in the wonderful countryside of South Essex. Well we do live in the country in a sweet bungalow in a well sought after village . The village is smashing but not chocolate box pretty, and once we signed in the the local doctors we were immediately given super TETANUS injections because the disease is endemic in the soil here.
We didint realy take heed of the warning our vendors gave us to run and hide every time we see a tractorr , after a few years we both got hay fever and the mrs now suffers from Asthma, despite a lifetime of living in North London where the air was blue and tastes of oil. It turns out the village is a "hot spot" for respiratory diseases.

Getting back to the tractors every harvest time we have a blizzard of bits of straw, dust and harvest flies. When we take down the nets and curtains to wash there always full of grit an dust which makes yore arms itch when you handle them, the cars gets covered in bits of field and if you dont wash it and yer window weekly they grow spuds. We beleive the fecking farmer kills all our seven species of bees with his sprays .

Talking of growing spuds , my beautiful box hedging which took a long time and a lot of money to get into shape was raved overnight by BOX BLIGHT, every apple on my four trees gets a worm to itself and the pears from three trees grow soot . my Plums all withered and died even the two new once I planted and the sodding pigeons eat all me cherries before they grow past green lumps , talking of pigeons they shite all over me new blue stone extended patio and destroy my rambling roses by shaking of all the flowers the magpies chase all the nice wee singing birds out of the place an all i got left is a couple of robins! Moat of the neighbours who have never left the village think that they own ALL of it .

My apricots wont grow bigger than peas and my spuds grow white stuff and worm holes . Don't even mention Clematis rot back .

You cant hear a sound some days , just the beating of you're own heart you can see a load of sky and its fantastic , in the village we even have our own bit of sky . When it looks like rain or snow the old folk tell us "nah that's not our sky , our sky is over there and its going to keep dry " and you know what they are always bloody right. We live on the not too far side of the out of town shopping and it takes us five minutes or so to get there and ten minutes to go to town where ALL the locals think that we live in the back an beyond sleep with our mothers have Webb feet and glow at night .
All the villagers moan and complain about one particular Essex councilor and then vote him back in every bloody election! Ive stopped taking the "local" paper because most of its content is about Basildon ,which as any fule noes is in another planet.

Did I mention that the village is very quiet and that people stick to themselves ? but they pop over to assist you if yer car battery is flat , youve locked yerself out or need a lift to the airport, hospital or the legion ? My Roses are of exhibition quality whilst i dont leave me front door open crime ( apart from drink driving ) is almost unheard of here , all my insurances are at least three quarters or more cheaper than living in London the buses arrive like clockwork and the doctors are pretty good as long as you tell them whats wrong with you and what meds you want .

The grandchildren loved to visit our (to them) ginormous garden and a quick trip to the seaside and adventure playground ten minutes away .
I just just love County living. I cant remember why I started this post now .
Fcuking Townies.
 
Shame you couldn’t stretch to Suffolk…
I quite like Essex. If you get off the beaten track, lots of cool, out of the way places. A much maligned county.
 
What? It's a suburb of Nashville in Williamson county, Tennessee :)
Hello, is that long distance? Need to call Marie.
Cut to...
Talking Pictures TV posh bint in B/W, " Hello Berry, connecting you now, out to you, hello Septic are you still flying like a mong ?"
 

OneTenner

LE
Book Reviewer
Don't even mention Clematis rot back .
i
Thanks for the warning - how old is your Mrs.? just so know the approximate age to start checking...

BTW, you don't mention what rifle you have - you do have a rifle, don't you?...
 
You cant hear a sound some days , just the beating of you're own heart you can see a load of sky and its fantastic , in the village we even have our own bit of sky .

Just you wait until EasyJet gets Southend International up and running again.
Make the most of these currently quiet times and those quiet skies.
It isn't going to last for much longer, noisier times are coming back.

Sadly.
 
I'm trying to work out from your post if you love country living or just deeply hate it. Essex is pretty much London anyway :)

When the height of fun for teenagers is Bazvegas, its not really London
 
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