couldnt resist

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by Mighty_doh_nut, Apr 2, 2005.

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  1. Today the trout and I took our little one to the Zoo....

    Weather was good and it wasn't to packed so we went for scoff and headed for an action packed afternoon of looking at scabby caged animals stuck in cages and undersized pens.

    The more time in there the more the missus was getting wound up and embarrased at me trying irritate all the animal, the silver back especially, I was desperatly trying get it to chuck its own sh1t at the window and throw a tantrum...... alas I failed.

    I did claim a small victory in the petting zoo though..... I picked up the little one and held her up so she could stroke the goat, llama and donkeys etc......... she sat on the back of a giant tortoise and all I could think about was peeling the bast'rds shell back....

    A peacock was sat on a rail showing off and flairing its feathers..... cocky cnut.......... the nipper was well impressed and looked at it saying 'wooff woof'

    Mist descended and I couldn't help elbowing it in the chest sending it flying and backwards in a big feathery mess, creating a noise like the fcukign thing was being throttled...... I stood still and let the nipper take the blame for creating a stir :D inside I was dpoubled up laughing and wanted to move on to putting my fingers in the emus eyes :D
     
  2. Nice one :)
     
  3. MDN, take a C- for not picking up one of the goats in the petting zoo and lobbing it into the Lions enclosure. If any of the do gooders or tree hugging animal lovers took offence, tell them you were thinking of the predatory instincts of the big cat and how it must be bored 'hunting' bits of dead cow each day. Tell the feckers to choose what they want! Cant have it both ways fer fecks sake.



    (Flashy is counting down 752 days till he's allowed back into Longleat, I thought I was doing them a favour by collecting 'stray' (neighbours) cats and catapulting them into the Wolves enclosure. You just cant please some people).
     
  4. the toothless scabby lion looked like it would struggle eating a Jam butty nevermind a kicking fussing goat or llama..

    I tried combing the nhair on its snout the worng way and really did my very best to get the fcuking smelly thing wound up but it was having none of it, just wandered on doing donkey things...... I sure it sneered 'wanker' at me as it wandered off
     
  5. After your "coupling" with BB, I assume that 752 days is the gestation period fror a wild hippo?
     
  6. Wow, a fcuking gangsta in the making there, mdn! Do you still 'knock down ginger' too you big rebel without a reason??

    Did you not at least smuggle in a couple of Co2 cartridges from a soda dispenser and pop them up the rear ends of the even-toed ungulates??? If not, you are still a B2 when it comes to public animal abuse in my eyes young man. You have much to learn, my young Padwan.

    (Am ignoring the comment from that Aunty Stella chap).....
     
  7. lololololol Flash are you still doing her?

    I bet you haven't had special emails like I have.......... do yours still have 'I love you on them'

    Anyway stop trashing my llama thread and tell us a story about animal cruelty, Aunty Stella has loads of them, he butchered all his kids pets :D
     
  8. Animal cruelty?? My garage freezer still has approx 6 cat’s heads, 4 doggy carcasses and a zippy bag full of hamsters/gerbils/guinea pigs.

    I have my eye on a local black cat at present. I have had a couple of chances to prove it doesn’t have nine fcuking lives. It likes to wander into my garage and kitchen. I need to know what food it likes so I can lay a trap in the microwave. I think 5 minutes on 850Ws should do the trick. I couldn’t believe my luck the other day. As I was driving out of our village, the black feline took it upon itself to wander across the road in front of me. If I had maintained my speed, it would have used one of its lives for sure. It stopped in front of me with a 'rabbit caught in head lights' look. I could have passed it off as an accident and presented the corpse to the owners with a sincere and genuinely apologetic demeanour. At the point that I should have floored the throttle, I had one of those moments. Probably a bit like Blofeld or Stromberg in the Bond movies were he allows his foe to live for the 'chase'. The only pussy I'll be stroking is Lady Flashes and the black fecker out of the tread of me tyres.
     
  9. Domestic Cats i hate them

    When i use to live in the Uk I use to have a fish pond with some excellent Coy in it, The local cats were forever trying to Nick the fish.
    They learnt not to do this during the day as my paintball rifle would come out, and there would be multi-coloured cats wondering around all over the place. SO the little Swines use to sneak round at night.
    Right up until i Aquired a set of NVG's and a red dot sight Then there was no escape for them!!

    MDN i recommend next time you goto the Zoo take some linx deoderant with you , and squirt some in the eyes of the pets at the petting zoo, and see if the creatures will let you pat them then!! And for the monkey cages just sit there with a big bag of banannas eating one and offering one to the monkey, they will throw a spaz fit , like a mong on prozac,
    its a tried and tested method!!
     
  10. Take one common or garden Scaffolding pole and insert one end into the floor, prop the other end up on a wall or some such......

    Take one (preferably Mk8) thunderflash, strike it, and chuck it down the propped up end of the pole.

    Next, take a rat/other small furry creature, and chuck that down the pole too.

    Hey presto...... a critter mortar!
     
  11. Spring time in zoos, aah...I love the sight of forty monkeys all wanking in unison...it sort of reminds me of Trooping the Colour
     
  12. Dipping bread in vodka, or any type of spirit, vod is best, no smell. Feed bread to winged rats, (pigeons). Watch the carnage as these things fly into buildings, cars, people. Was only 7 when I first done this. Great entertainment.
     
  13. :lol: :lol: :lol:

    Class MDN class. Flashy as usual you surpass them all :lol:

    Watched a mate do that pigeon thing with bacardi. The bloody things didn't seem to care but man were they trashed. Did we feel guilty?? Did we fcuk! Some old biddy chased us away when she realised what we were doing so we just went to another park - one with a fountain. Drunk pigeons can't swim and barely struggle. Excellent pest reduction plan :D

    I remember as a child the obligatory school excursion to the zoo where we were all dragged to see the new chimp enclosure. The teacher was horrified, however, when the closest chimp lagged, crimped wiped his arse then picked his nose then decided to crack one off. Needless to say it was the highlight of the trip.

    Not counting when the elephant decided to lag on an over enthusiastic keeper who was trying to hose the elephant down :lol:
     
  14. The starfish is a good target too
    CO2 fire extinguishers require less prior preparation and don't get the locals complaining of a mortar attack


    I'll get my coat
     
  15. baking powder covered bread and pidgeons..................they explode.



    Apparently :oops: