Coulda, Woulda, Shoulda...

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by Rocketeer, May 2, 2006.

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  1. My attorney, Hay[wood] B.S. Corpus, says I should plead " Diminshed Capacity " with regard to this crime against Real Men [ on the basis of 34 years of ' married bliss ' and the threat of castration from the good wife ] but I feel so dirty and ashamed I can't bring myself to accept any excuse other than I failed when put to the test...

    there I was in the local library conducting some research in one of the less trafficked tome aisles when I reached for a crucial ledger only to wrap my hand around that of another person rather than the selected volume.. It was a cliched moment out of some B grade film.. I quickly withdrew [ though not without noting the delicacy of the other's skin and smoothness of some rather elegant fingers ] and made some outrageously witty comment in apology which elicted a most welcome and delightfully melodious reply. I turned to stare into astonishing ice-blue eyes of the type not seen since Meg Foster swanned across forgettable TV and films. The woman before me offered moist Joliesque-pillow lips, in bright red, drawn back in a welcoming smile revealing toothpaste-ad white teeth. I dropped my eyes modestly and found them fixated on a equally unnerving decolletage of the Scarlett Johansen persuasion- real - rather than the Pam Aderson miracles of modern science [ not that there is anything wrong with that ]. I quickly returned to looking at her face which was framed by a luxurious cascade of auburn - nay - titian tresses [ a digression - perhaps this was my first inkling that I might be in trouble given the vocal and adamant warnings I have read from ARRSE professionals regarding those of the Gwar persuasion ].

    After a moment of polite explanation as to my need for the book and the type of research I do, rather than be put off by such esoterica ' she indicated that she found it a fascinating field of study and was deeply interested in ' my profession '...

    We engaged in a bit of further talk which quickly showed my that she was well-versed, if not knowledgable on things military beyond the casual limits of ' groupies ' and we got into a quite stimulating exchange of opinions.. This topical discussion allowed me to avoid indicating that I was ' spousally encumbered ' [ I claim the Clinton precedent- Don't Ask/Don't Tell ]...

    Suffice it say, despite my advanced years, non-Fabio physique and noticably grey follicular topping -which she seemed to find ' distinguished in a scholar ' she offered the opportunity to continue our conversation/exploration of the history of warfare in a more comfortable setting - her place - over ' coffee '...

    I admit to a sudden conflict of emotions and had to resort to the lame [ but real ] excuse of a prior engagement that prevented me from taking up her invitation...She ' fully understood ' , given the spontenaity of the invitation , and left me her phone number with an ' open offer ' to continue the discussion at a more 'convenient ' time... I was left with a vibrant image of toned buttocks straining to stretch well tailored slacks as she retreated, not before she flashed one more scintillating smile over her shoulder...

    I quickly sought out a nearby armchair and slumped down in a bit of a sweat... I almost went looking for her after a few moments and -ahem - haven't disposed of the phone number - but....

    Was I prudent?
    A total f**kwit Wussie?
    sensible in preserving my testicles for future use?
    Missing out of possibly a bang of earth shaking- maybe - cosmic proportions?
    stupidly falling into the hands of a Sharon Stone Ice Pick wielder?
    A loyal and wise husband of good morals?
    A total ass deserving of the emnity of the court with no hope of Hay BS Corpus getting me off with only a stern reprimand?

    and.. given the inducement - how many of you, otherwise involved in long-standing relationships, would have gone for it. and explored the possibilities dangled in the invitation and to hell with any fallout/consequences?
  2. Hi Sweetie,
    It's me from the library. I thought I might find you here. Just ring me when you're ready.
  3. No I'm the girl from the library and so's my wife

    (p.s well restrained, castration can never be worth it... can it?)
  4. It's not over yet Rocketeer! You've still got her number, and now have the chance to go the chemists and stock up on Viagra before you 'meet for coffee'.
  5. Just matter how good she looks, some other man somewhere can't stand listening to her sh!t for one more minute.

    "Fatal Attraction" is a cautionary tale.
  6. Sometimes a girl likes a little period of anticipation ..... rather than the "rat up a drainpipe" approach. Don't let this lot go putting you off, though. :wink: XXX
  7. cant remember what its from but someone said,

    "A man is only as faithful as his options", I unfortunately am cursed by the figure of a animal normally associated with marine life
    and a face that would more than likely get me my disabled parking badge so needless to say I am as faithful as a catholic priest on an island with no school!

    You however should be ashamed!

    A by the sounds of her cracking bit of strumpet, asked you back for 'coffee' and you bottled it, for shame. Now all is not lost you've got her number
    so get it, ring her, meet her, fuck her and take photo's, bring them back here so us uglies can feel like a part of it.

    Go on!
  8. I've remembered who it was, it was Chris rock and he's geet funny so it must be true.
  9. That is possibly the most apposite piece of advice I've ever heard Tanky. Brilliant! :)
  10. Tankie.. I was thinking that -er -should I persue this further, that I wouldn't be hanging around to have to listen to her sh!t for one minute..however, the possibility that she would hunt me down and bore me to death with her problems and become 'attached' out of some needy mental aberation has tempered my ardour, so to speak.. [ why is there always a down side ? or am I just thinking too much with the wrong appendage? - i.e. brain ]

    oh the timid sadness of an old man flattered by a younger fit bird...admittedly she has stroked my ego.. just thinking she might stroke so much more...
  11. Once visited the Royal Armouries in Leeds (splendid day out) with the former Mrs Jagman
    Whilst standing watching two fellas in medieval armour slashing away at each other I failed to notice the former Mrs Jagman had wandered away for a better view (she's not very tall)
    Having a pleasant day and in a good mood I casually slipped my hand down the back of her jeans for a gentle grope, at this point I still blithely assumed it was the Mrs.
    After a moment or two it dawned upon me that the backside I was fondling did'nt feel quite right.
    At this point I looked around to find I had my hand down the jeans of a not un-attractive woman who was a total stranger.
    Fortunately this woman took it all in good sport and merely smiled back at me without saying a word, the former Mrs Jagman stood several yards away trying very hard not to wet herself with laughter....

    Enjoy whatever comes your way! No matter how small the opurtunity may be, never let it slip by.
    Just because you ring her and/or have a "coffee" with her does'nt mean you are mis-behaving does it????
  12. Its a TRAP! life could not give anything so wonderful as a hope without cruelly taking it away. Your missus, suspicious and jealous at how much time you spend on certain websites has gone to "stalkers r us" to find a titian haired temptress.

    your gut instinct of "i don't believe it" is true (though a bit victor meldrew). Bet you mrs rocketeer has installed spyware on your machine and is waiting for your undying declarations of loyalty and love etc etc.

    whatever you do don't buy the missus flowers etc, that will prove to her twisted logic, that you are guilty of something
  13. Just:

    1. Rent Lost in Translation
    2. Shudder in disbelief at how sad Bill Murray looks in a tight, day-glo cammo t-shirt.
    3. Store the memory in the w@nk bank
    4. Go and get on with your midlife crisis by buying a little red Mazda sports car and leave the coed totty to those of us for whom Jimi Hendrix has little meaning beyond him being the guy who did the soundtrack to the Centrium Over-50s multivitamin commercials.


    Come and visit me in Cali and you can perv over the types I get paid to consort with all day, every day. (Apologies for repeating any photos from another thread; it's just that I know I came within a hair's-breadth of causing cardiac arrest in PTP last time. I figure it's worth another shot...)






    As one of the less cultured natives is known to say, "Life is grand."

    Hurry up though, they all feck off for the summer at the end of next week.
  14. ... keep the bint in the realms of fantasy as the reality may be bitterly disappointing. I mean, what if she doesn't give head and smells of haddock! You'd be emotionally crushed...

    <... oh yes - and hide the number mate, just in case the missus finds it and gets the wrong(?) idea>
  15. Let's look at this critically. Women know sod all about history and even less about warfare. It's a rouse mate. You admit that you're not the catch of the day (unlike me, of course) and an attractive woman wants to talk about an intersting subject with you?

    Clearly, she's a private detective. Hired by your Mrs to try and see how loyal you are. What they lack in interesting topics for conversation, they make up in evilness and an ability to manipulate us via the groin region.