ARMY NOW READY TO RUN SCHOOLS, HOSPITALS AND TRANSPORT TOO. The Government has confirmed today that it will maintain its tough stance against all union activity by pushing through parliament the Military Services to the Public Bill. The bill will enable the army to move into and operate all public service facilities should unions decide to initiate a strike. The decision has come in response to a home office report warning that other public services may be at risk from prolonged strike action should the firefighters case prove successful. "Over the last few weeks the army has been training for the eventuality of a strike in any of our other vulnerable public sectors, and are as we speak, ready to move into many public service positions, including schools and hospitals, at a moment's notice." General Derek Gadd QVC will be appointed Chief of Schools should the bill be enacted. He insisted that there would be little change in the school routine. "School dinners will only be served four times a week, in order to avoid complacency. The (randomly selected) fifth lunch period will be replaced with a 30 mile run with a 20-kilo rucksack. Maths classes will become more focused on practical cases, such as ballistic trajectories, probability of defeat and battlefield statistics. An example class exercise might require students to determine if a 10 ton tank can cross a 100m wooden bridge whilst carrying 10 50kg refugees, and naturally pupils will be expected to work out the answer while scrambling under a net or abseilling down a ravine." The bill also outlined how hospitals are to be covered in the event of a long-term union strike. Patients will automatically be given morphine on entry while a bloodied M is scrawled across their foreheads. The average waiting time, to be renamed "average mortality period", is expected to remain the same. It will however depend on the availability of field surgeons and/or cutting equipment. Transport is likely to remain much as normal with minimal disruption. Unreliable buses are to be replaced with more robust armoured personnel carriers, the bill detailed. London Underground will be operating as normal, but all weekend passes will be revoked. Field Marshall Charles "Charlie" Steed will be head of "Operation Suppressive Fire", the Armed Forces name for the enacted bill. "Whilst negotiations are in progress the army will be keen not to disturb or inflame the situation. However, when negotiations break down the army will enter all union held buildings by force and neutralise any opposing forces." Prime Minister Tony Blair was quick to highlight the benefits of the new bill "While there may be those few who oppose Operation Suppressive Fire, I think firstly that their deaths will soon be forgotten, and secondly that in time the general public might not remember a day when a crafty salute isn't given to a friendly post office clerk, or our rubbish isn't thrown into the back of a challenger tank by cheery soldiers in full combat fatigues."