Could it happen?




The Government has confirmed today that it will maintain its tough
stance against all union activity by pushing through parliament the
Military Services to the Public Bill. The bill will enable the army to
move into and operate all public service facilities should unions decide
to initiate a strike.
The decision has come in response to a home office report warning that
other public services may be at risk from prolonged strike action should
the firefighters case prove successful.

"Over the last few weeks the army has been training for the eventuality
of a strike in any of our other vulnerable public sectors, and are as we
speak, ready to move into many public service positions, including
schools and hospitals, at a moment's notice."

General Derek Gadd QVC will be appointed Chief of Schools should the
bill be enacted. He insisted that there would be little change in the
school routine. "School dinners will only be served four times a week,
in order to avoid complacency. The (randomly selected) fifth lunch
period will be replaced with a 30 mile run with a 20-kilo rucksack.
Maths classes will become more focused on practical cases, such as
ballistic trajectories, probability of defeat and battlefield
statistics. An example class exercise might require students to
determine if a 10 ton tank can cross a 100m wooden bridge whilst
carrying 10 50kg refugees, and naturally pupils will be expected to work
out the answer while scrambling under a net or abseilling down a

The bill also outlined how hospitals are to be covered in the event of a
long-term union strike. Patients will automatically be given morphine on
entry while a bloodied M is scrawled across their foreheads. The average
waiting time, to be renamed "average mortality period", is expected to
remain the same. It will however depend on the availability of field
surgeons and/or cutting equipment.

Transport is likely to remain much as normal with minimal disruption.
Unreliable buses are to be replaced with more robust armoured personnel
carriers, the bill detailed. London Underground will be operating as
normal, but all weekend passes will be revoked.

Field Marshall Charles "Charlie" Steed will be head of "Operation
Suppressive Fire", the Armed Forces name for the enacted bill. "Whilst
negotiations are in progress the army will be keen not to disturb or
inflame the situation. However, when negotiations break down the army
will enter all union held buildings by force and neutralise any opposing

Prime Minister Tony Blair was quick to highlight the benefits of the new
bill "While there may be those few who oppose Operation Suppressive
Fire, I think firstly that their deaths will soon be forgotten, and
secondly that in time the general public might not remember a day when a
crafty salute isn't given to a friendly post office clerk, or our
rubbish isn't thrown into the back of a challenger tank by cheery
soldiers in full combat fatigues."

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