Costa Concordia - what would you do?

So you're sipping fine champagne over dinner with a well tanned tart and you're all dressed up in your evening rig. The ship is gliding gently along the coast of a Mediterranean Island, the glossy sea reflects the moonlight off it's crystal surface and everything has a serene calmness. The band are playing Chopin and the waiter comes round with another tray when suddenly.............................. BAMO!!!!!!!!

What do you do?

In the ensuing confusion I would bang you over the head with a fire extinguisher, fill your pockets with heavy lead crystal glass and then drop you head first down the nearest flooded stairwell.
Tryand think of a really good excuse to tell the wife when she finds out I was swanning around the Med on a cruise ship and not at work like I told her.

Will there be time to bang the well tanned tart before we abandon ship?
"Good Lord, Buss, what's all the commotion?"
"Oh, hello, Smythe. Not like you to be up at this hour. Smoke?"
"Thank you, don't mind if I do. So what's the kerfuffle? I saw the captain as I came by and he looked in a dreadful stew."
"Do you recall that Island we saw at dinner?"
"The one that was as big as a twenty-story building?

"That's the one. Well, it seems we struck the deuced thing."

"Rotton luck."
"I suppose that explains why my cabin door was underneath the bed when I woke up. I thought it a bit odd. I say, is this a Monte Cristo?"
"H. Upmann, actually. I have a man in Gerard Street who gets them specially."
"Awfully nice."
"Yes...Pity, really."
"What's that?"
"Well, I just ordered a dozen boxes at two guineas each. Still, I suppose young Bertie will be glad to get his hands on them."
"So you don't think we're going to make it?"
"Doesn't look good. Mrs. Buss asked Millantio , the quarter-deck steward, when he brought her nightcap and he said we had less than two hours. How's Mrs. Smythe, by the way? Is her stomach better?"
"Couldn't say. She's drowned, you see."
"Oh, rotten luck."
"Went out the starboard porthole when we started to list. It was her shout that woke me, as a matter of fact. Shame she's missed all the excitement. She always enjoyed a good sinking."
"Mrs. Buss is just the same"
"She didn't go over as well, did she"
"Oh, no. She's gone to see the purser. Wanted to cable Fortnum and Mason's and cancel the order for the garden fete. Not much point now, you see."
"Quite. Still, all in all it's not been a bad voyage, wouldn't you say? Kate was particularly taken with the place settings. She thought the dinner tables a picture and the grapes thrilling. She stayed from soup to nuts. You haven't seen her, by any chance?"
"No, why do you ask?"
"It's just that she rushed off in a rather odd way. Said there was something she had to do with young Lord D'Arcy before we went under. Something to do with flags, I gather."
"Flags? How odd."
"Well, she made some reference to needing a jolly roger, if I heard her right. I can't pretend I understand half the things she goes on about. And in any case I was somewhat distracted. Mrs. Buss had just spilled her nightcap down her peignoir - in consequence of the impact, you see - and was in a terrible temper becase Croaker wouldn't bring her another. He told her to get it herself."
"What extraordinary insolence."
"I suppose he was a bit out of sorts because he won't be getting his tips now, will he? Can't say I blame him really."
"I reported him, of course. One has to remember one's station, even in a crisis, or we should be in a terrible mess, don't you agree? The quartermaster assured me he won't get another posting on this ship."
"I should think not."
"Bit of a technicality, I suppose, but at least it's been noted in the book."
"It's been a funny old night, when you think about it. I mean to say, wife drowns, ship sinks, and there was no Montrachet '07 at dinner. I had to settle for a very middling '05.:
"You think that's disappointing? Have a look at these."
"Sorry, old boy, I can't see in this light. What are they?"
"Return tickets."
"Oh, that is bad luck."
"Outside port cabin on the Promenade Deck."
"Oh, very bad luck...I say, what's that noise?"
"That will be the steerage passengers drowning, I expect."
"No, it sounded like a band."
"I believe you're right. Yes, you are quite right. A bit mournful, don't you think? I shouldn't want to try to dance to that."
"Nearer My God to Thee, isn't it? They might have chosen something a bit more festive for our last night at sea."
"Still I think I'll wander down and see if they've put out supper yet. Coming?"
"No, I think I'll turn in with a brandy. It's going to be a short night as it is. How long have we got, do you suppose?"
"About forty minutes, I'd say."
"Oh dear. Perhaps I'll skip the brandy then. I don't supposed I'll be seeing you again?"
"Not in this life, old sport."
"Oh, I say, that's very good. I must remember that. Well, good night then."
"Good night."
"By the by, just a thought. The captain didn't say anything about getting into lifeboats did he?"
"Not that I recall. Shall I wake you if he makes an announcement."
"That would be very good of you., if you're sure it's no trouble."
"No trouble at all."
"Well, good night then. Give my regards to Mrs. Buss and young Kate."
"With the greatest pleasure. I'm sorry about Mrs. Smythe."
"Well, worse things happen at sea, as they say. I expect she'll bob up somewhere. She was awfully buoyant. Well, good night."
"Good night, old sport. Sleep well."

(c) Bill Bryson
Well obviously I would use the confusion to rape the nearest gorgeous wench, find the ships safe and empty that and go through the richest rooms for all the nice pickings in there.
This incident was nothing like the Titanic. The band failed to play "Abide with me" right up to the end.

The Italians have NO style.
Well obviously I would use the confusion to rape the nearest gorgeous wench, find the ships safe and empty that and go through the richest rooms for all the nice pickings in there.
That's if that slippery pikey Ravers hasn't got there first.

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