Cook Book

Sunday roast with sprouts gets my vote, the pungent wind expulsions that follow are irreplaceable.

Hi, I am a former Army wife(16yrs-husband recently retired). I am working on a new writing project-putting together a military cookbook. One section of this book will contain the favorite home-cooked meals of servicemembers, missed most while away on deployment, field exercises and hardship tours. I am interested in including meals from our Allied Soldiers as well. If you might be interested in participating, please send a very short bio(1-2sentence regarding the servicemember), favorite home-cooked meal w/recipe ( if possible). All submissions will be tested in the field kitchen prior to publishing. All questions/submissions should be directed to Terrisa Karaus,, 90% of future proceeds have been designated for the following organizations, Red Cross, USO and the National Military Association ( which benefits current servicemembers/families). Thank you for your support of this project. Terrisa Karaus

That's the trouble with cookbooks; it's very hard to replicate the original dish perfectly.

For example, she would find it extremely tricky to come up with a recipe that did justice to the baked on pleasure of a dish I like to call

35-minute-full-blast-microwaved-human faeces-a la-naafi vendor.

Not only did they have to repaint the naafi, the microwave had to be put in an ISO and dumped off the coast near South Shields.
Curried beans at a BBQ some years ago. Mmm!

Rat pack pears and chocolate sauce!

The hamburgers and baked beans rat pack breakfast!
Dear Watertight

I would be grateful if you could include my most favorite in you recipe book

The Spit Roast.

It always leaves me feeling thoroughly stuffed.
An Ode to Fat Septic Inbred Hillbilly Recipe Collector

"I wish I could be thin and that I wasn't quite so fat.
I wish I didn't have an arse that flopped around my twat.
I wish my arms were slim and lean, my legs were strong and quick,
That I could climb a flight of stairs and not have to be sick.

I wish my stomach didn't sag beneath the mighty weight.
I wish I could refuse when they begin to fill my plate.
I wish my chin was just ONE chin, my tits were firm and hard,
That I could nibble carrot sticks, not Mars bars fried in lard.

I wish my vulva didn't bulge, my flaps weren't quite so large.
My fanny is so fat that it produces slime like marg.
I wish my sagging, sloppy arse would simply shrink away.
I think I'll start a diet. Yes, I think I'll start today.

I'll throw away the chocolates I have hidden round the house.
I'll get my cheese from out the fridge, donate it to a mouse.
I'll swap my lard for olive oil, my crisps for cracker bread.
I'll chuck my butter in the bin and buy some low-fat spread.

I'll get up off my lazy arse and go out for a run,
And when I'm feeling peckish I will never eat a bun.
I'll throw away the TV set, I'll join the gym instead,
And buy some lycra short things and a sweat band for my head.

I'll live off fruit and vegetables and healthy things like that,
And pretty soon I'll start to see that I'm not quite that fat.
The bits of flesh that sagged and strained will soon be pert and round
As I begin to shed the weight, pound by pound by pound.

And soon I will be really slim, a slinky 8 or 10,
And everyone will stop and stare, especially gorgeous men.
I'll wear blue jeans that hug my buns, and g-strings small and white,
And t-shirts that show off my tits, all see-through, nice and tight.

And people will say "You look nice!". I'll think "Wow, that's great!"
And diet even harder and lose lots and lots more weight.
The thinner I shall get (oh yes), the better I shall feel.
I won't stop 'til I'm half the size of her off Ally McBeal.

I'll only eat one grape a week, I'll puke into a sink.
I'll eat a thousand laxatives and make my bathroom stink.
I'll turn into a skeleton before your very eyes,
But better that than go around with pick-up trucks for thighs!

I'll puke and puke and shit and shit until I'm nearly dead,
My body like a matchstick with a giant, massive head,
My arse a distant memory, my fadge-fat has been shed,
With no more butter dripping out, but slim-fast shake instead.

Yes being fat is really shit, I'd rather be dead thin,
But sadly I just can't be arsed. I'm too embroiled in sin,
So run and get a bag of chips, some sausage, fish and sauce.
I'll sit here on my big fat cunt and chew upon a horse"

Uncle Bens Express Microwave Rice, a quart of Capt Morgans Rum, a tin of tuna and some peas. 3 1/2 minutes in the old hamster dryer et voila - all the major food groups in a tasty meal, all in the time it takes to knock one off to the shower scene in Tomb Raider.
Officers Tea:

Make a perfectly normal NATO tea, and add some home made special sauce. Never tried it myself. Captain XXX, R Signals, used to drink quite a lot.


RTFQ said:
Skiffed Chips

1 x Portion Pub Chips in a Basket
4 x Hairy Anuses
1 x Unsuspecting victim at bar getting the beers in
You need to be careful here, as there is a real danger of transmitting salt and vinegar to the ringpiece: not a good idea...
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