Contrived TV Programmes.

Porter, not Perter, but yes, that’s the badger. Agreed great read, or in my case, listen (audiobook).

I still hold that the Clarkson Top Gears were the best tv that I’ve ever watched. Every single episode (and there must have been hundreds) was watchable. Another thing I liked was that they never tried to pretend there was no camera crew and production team present.

They happily included them in the shot or called on them to dig them out of the mud in Central Africa when all else failed (and they were encrusted with wet mud from head to toe).

According to Porter, the international crew numbered about thirty, plus local gofers etc. They never tried to hide this level of back up and I liked that level of honesty, incredibly rare on a modern tv programme.

It was a thousand to one chance that Clarkson, May and Hammond gelled as they did. Just think of the number of people the BBC must have interviewed to recreate the show, and they still got it wrong three times.
The African special scene where the whole crew were lining up to use the toilet seat attached to Clarkson's car still has me in stitches.
 
Yon guy is brilliant - I first discovered him when he was doing the "Deadly 60" series for CBBC. He's enthusiastic, knows his subject matter, and is determined to get it across to his audience.

Probably why he isn't better known by the general public as far as the BBC is concerned.
The guy who learns to paddle kayak, then next week goes on an expedition through gorges with no means of escape and grade 6 rapids?
He must have some serious dirt on the Emperor…
 

Awol

LE
Ghost hunting programmes.

"We are here in this abandoned hotel/hospital/prison and nothing is showing up on any piece of normal technology, but our ghost analyser just picked up a signal from the beyond.

Ohhh it's suddenly got cold in this damp, unheated 19th century building we are in at night during winter....

I just heard a noise that the sound tech could catch on mic. Or Dave is in another room and suddenly there is a noise that honestly doesn't at all sound like Dave pretending to be a scooby doo ghost.


...And in conclusion we couldn't confirm or rule out paranormal activity
The Ghost Detectors look remarkably like £10 multimeters set to Resistance and the two wires (touching together when a ‘ghost’ is nearby) conveniently out of site.

But you’re bang on about the ghost noises. The production companies must have been delighted to discover that to create ‘gripping tv for the congenitally stupid’ all they had to do was get Dave to drop a stone in an adjacent room.

One hell of a lot cheaper than sending a ‘team’ to Israel, France, Malta and Ethiopia in a pretend search for the Ark of the Covenant.
 

theoriginalphantom

MIA
Book Reviewer
The Ghost Detectors look remarkably like £10 multimeters set to Resistance and the two wires (touching together when a ‘ghost’ is nearby) conveniently out of site.

But you’re bang on about the ghost noises. The production companies must have been delighted to discover that to create ‘gripping tv for the congenitally stupid’ all they had to do was get Dave to drop a stone in an adjacent room.

One hell of a lot cheaper than sending a ‘team’ to Israel, France, Malta and Ethiopia in a pretend search for the Ark of the Covenant.


hopefully sold to them by the chap who was selling "mine detectors"
 
Ice Road Truckers when it first appeared was genuinely fascinating and informative. More than 10 years later it is contrived, repetitive gash.
However, for genuinely bad, eyes wide in amazement dog toffee, nothing beats Gordon, Gino and Fred on their matey, utterly false contrived journeys. My missus loves it, say no more!
 
It was a thousand to one chance that Clarkson, May and Hammond gelled as they did

Not at all, the one thing that binds them is their absolute passion for cars and it absolutely shows. Outside of that central theme they are very different characters, which is another reason why it works. 3 Clarkson’s would just hate each other.

Clarkson’s farm is on Amazon. I can think of no more boring a topic, but I am just going to have to watch it.

The TG presenters that have cone after those three are there because the BBC pay them. You know that any production will have a Ferrari (McGuinness), Porsche (Harris) and Aston (Freddy). They really don’t have that passion.

McGuinness is a feckless idiot, Harris is dull as dishwater and while I love Freddy Flintoff he‘s a very stilted presenter. I’d like to see him remain because he’s absolutely fearless, but the other two need to go and erstwhile presenters be built around Fred.
 

Awol

LE
Ed Stafford's stuff looks genuinely perilous.

There's a couple of rip off US shows as well. I forget the name of the first, a 'native survivalist expert' (which seems to be based on the fact he wears a bandana & barefoot) and 'this army geezer'. It's OK, but reminds me of an infomercial more than anything else.

Second one is 'Naked and Afraid'. Crappy title, crappy show. Like Eastenders in a field. Whiney, shouty, sulky. The only instructive thing is how spoilt brattish 'experts' can bee.
They get to take 3 things with them. (Shame 400 paracetamol and the Mess Webley aren't included)
‘Naked and Afraid’.

For the record I think that it is mostly accurate, yes, there is a film crew present, and yes, the poor buggers are actually naked and they are most certainly not spending the nights in local hotels. The women’s bodies (it’s always women the bugs target for some odd biological reason. Plus I’ve seen it in real life) are often covered in 80% bug bites, and that doesn’t happen in a Holiday Inn.

What I enjoy about the programme is the fact that the loud mouthed, in your face, ex-something hardcore military expert (which he mentions at every opportunity, usually also dropping in terms like ‘combat Indicator’, ‘field of fire’ and ‘E and E’) gets his arrse roundly handed to him on a plate by the seven stone female nursery school teacher.

He normally drops out by about Day 7, citing some hitherto unmentioned leg problem which tragically means he can’t make the jungle ‘his bitch’ as promised at the beginning, whereas she just hangs in there, day after day, getting progressively weaker and thinner and then finally walks 2km through knee deep nasty water to meet the extraction helicopter/boat/truck.

I think that’s genuine, and shows a much higher level of mental strength than I possess.
 

theoriginalphantom

MIA
Book Reviewer
another brilliantly rubbish show,

Homestead Rescue

The Rainey Family go out to a couple/family trying to live off grid but failing.

They usually have no F****** water supply and are driving to town to buy water every sodding day.

They are not growing their own food and none of them can hunt.

Their cabin is surrounded by dangerous trees that will have to be felled.


(voiceover guy)

"Marty is going to deal with the dangerous trees and dig a well, Missy is going to build a chicken coop or greenhouse from old windows they just happen to have lying about the place and Matt is going to teach city-guy/girl to shoot wild boar/elk/mice"

it's always their biggest/most ambitious build yet and you know there will be a disaster of some kind and/or Marty decides they can't leave them without building the bridge on the river Kwai, or something.



It's rather watchable, even if it's very formulaic
 
The best example of contrived TV has got to be a program called, I think, Question Time.

FFS, there are web forums that have threads on the program where the intellectually deprived members discuss it in depth almost as though they believe it represents real life.
 
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Awol

LE
Not at all, the one thing that binds them is their absolute passion for cars and it absolutely shows. Outside of that central theme they are very different characters, which is another reason why it works. 3 Clarkson’s would just hate each other.

Clarkson’s farm is on Amazon. I can think of no more boring a topic, but I am just going to have to watch it.

The TG presenters that have cone after those three are there because the BBC pay them. You know that any production will have a Ferrari (McGuinness), Porsche (Harris) and Aston (Freddy). They really don’t have that passion.

McGuinness is a feckless idiot, Harris is dull as dishwater and while I love Freddy Flintoff he‘s a very stilted presenter. I’d like to see him remain because he’s absolutely fearless, but the other two need to go and erstwhile presenters be built around Fred.
There are millions of blokes who have a passion for cars, but picking three that have totally different personalities and who work together as the well as the TG three did is just incredibly good luck.

What I liked was that it was a bit Rock, Paper, Scissors in that no matter what combination you ended up with you got a result. One of them could be destroying a Mondeo around the track and the other two would be roundly taking the piss. Mix and Match, and it works just as well. Like I said, the trouble the BBC have had replacing them, and the fact that they still haven’t succeeded, shows just how good the originals were.
 
Piers Morgan 'Life stories'. Formatted to fcuk (tough family life, tear squeezed out at some point, 'controversial' question asked) and it still needs the requisite space to fit the fat cvnt's ego in, as well.

Suggest they reformat it - Piers Morgan interviews James Corden whilst walking through an unmarked minefield.
The first 2 words of your post was enough, anything with that fat fuker is pigswill
 
I’m watching man v food, someone has just been introduced as a ‘master griller’.
 

Cold_Collation

LE
Book Reviewer
There are millions of blokes who have a passion for cars, but picking three that have totally different personalities and who work together as the well as the TG three did is just incredibly good luck.

What I liked was that it was a bit Rock, Paper, Scissors in that no matter what combination you ended up with you got a result. One of them could be destroying a Mondeo around the track and the other two would be roundly taking the piss. Mix and Match, and it works just as well. Like I said, the trouble the BBC have had replacing them, and the fact that they still haven’t succeeded, shows just how good the originals were.
I used to work with Richard Hammond. He really was good fun.
 
Anyone mention Plane Repo yet? Where aircraft are repossessed, often in the middle of the night where bailiffs signed off to fly Lear Jets break into airfields and hangers, conveniently locate log books and fuel bowsers and are then inevitably chased down the runway by security or disgruntled 'owners'. Conveniently all the action is captured by various camera angles, including from the aircraft wing when in flight!
 

Awol

LE
I used to work with Richard Hammond. He really was good fun.
That’s the fundamental truth about (mostly) true tv. If it goes on for several years you do get a fair idea of what the presenters are really like as people. For example, I doubt that James May is a football hooligan or that Clarkson is a member of Extinction Rebellion.

Honesty on screen doesn’t cost anything, yet it can be priceless.
 

Awol

LE
Anyone mention Plane Repo yet? Where aircraft are repossessed, often in the middle of the night where bailiffs signed off to fly Lear Jets break into airfields and hangers, conveniently locate log books and fuel bowsers and are then inevitably chased down the runway by security or disgruntled 'owners'. Conveniently all the action is captured by various camera angles, including from the aircraft wing when in flight!
Good call.

These shows are often bad enough, but when they have been forced to put up a disclaimer saying something like “this show is mostly manufactured bollocks’ beforehand (which this one does) you know it is pure Disney.
 
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