Contribute a story to help veterans

#1
Fellow Arrsers.
I have recently noted lots of complaints on this site about the (mainly non-existent) help given to our returning veterans, and think I/we may be able to help a bit. Instead of moaning let’s set about helping each other, who better to do it? Taking into account the fact that if you put two British Soldiers together before long one will make the other laugh, I have come up with an idea.
Simply put I am asking you to contribute funny stories which I will then put together as a book, proceeds to be used to help veterans.
The book will be titled, 'Huh Bet Mine Doesn't Fit'. See below.

A comment from a fellow arrser: I’ll be honest with you, I like your idea and why not do it, there must be hundreds of thousands of stories out there waiting to be told, some humorous, some hilarious, some reflective and some more serious and I feel that they should be told if people are willing to tell them.

My initial idea was to set up a help-line/ centre manned by people who know, though it has been suggested that I set up a centre out here (Catalonia) to allow veterans to come and rest perhaps working with Combat Stress. It all depends on sales, if it doesn't take off then proceeds to Combat Stress, if it does then the idea can be expanded to include subscriptions and donations.
I am writing to Frederick Forsyth and Max Hastings who are squaddie friendly for help in publishers, if you have practical ideas on any aspect then let me know. If it works great, if not then I/we tried, I would prefer to try and fail rather than not do anything.

What am I looking for?
Well amusing stories that will make you laugh, from any situation; barracks, action, exercise, it doesn't matter. Past or present, stories from WW2, Borneo, Falklands, Iraq, Germany, Ireland, times in between, get a friend or relation to contribute.

Stories will be chosen on merit and put into relevant chapters.

Swearing will be tolerated though may be cleaned up a bit, if Spike Milligan can use the F word then so can we. Probably.

Stories may be edited slightly for spelling, grammar, and so on.

Names and units are not necessary but often preferable. If you don't mind them coming out then PM me or use my e-mail, you can also post them but PM your data. Otherwise you can retain anonymity though I may use your arrse name.

I will be contacting other sources, such as Legion magazine, if you have an idea tell me.

OK, I include a couple of ideas to give a taste, though I am still trying to work out if I should include the one about my brother accidentally crapping on the barrel of his smg.



*****************************************************************************************************************
The title comes from when I heard possibly the most intelligent comment ever made on the military.
Out in Germany on exercise we were in the final hours before endex, everything that was going to happen had done so, and nothing was going on. I got back to my Platoon HQ from Company HQ to see the Platoon HQ lads looking hugely depressed.
Quick, say something to raise morale, I thought. “ Cheer up lads, the OC has told me we are all getting issued with individual women”
The reply was instantaneous without changing expression.
“ Huh bet mine doesn’t fit”.

Secondly A Fusilier CSM told me this from when he was in West Berlin during the Cold War.
He was having a quiet beer in his house with his visiting brother-in-law when they got a surprise readiness alert, which regularly happened in those days. As he sprinted round getting his kit on his wife explained to her brother that this was in case Ivan came to pay a visit.
“ So what happens if it is real?” he asked.
“ Then I hang my knickers on the banister and go and lie on the bed” she said.
As The CSM went out the door cramming his helmet onto his head he heard the brother-in-law asking out loud
“ Has anyone got any Vaseline?”


I have just noticed that mine both involve women/sex in some way, lets have some variety lads.

Thanks
Dwarf
 
#2
Dwarf, thanks for the PM.

It is 'Current Affairs' and I feel it is a very worthwhile idea.

So, happy with that and wish you the best of luck. I'll move it into a more appropriate forum once enough interest is shown.

You might consider posting this in Rum Ration and Rear Party to get the views from the other side of the fence?

Regards

PTP
 
#4
Too late and too much cider to post a proper story but pm me tomorrow and I'll offer up a couple of shorties.

Have you got approval from the beneficiary charities yet? This must be a precursor if you're looking for people to sign copyright over to you.

Best Wishes,

Ex STAB
 
#5
A story that may or may not be true but did the rounds in the early eighties.

A Greenjacket is up on COs orders, found guilty and awarded 7 days pokey. As He hears the sentence the Greenjacket walks around to the COs side of the desk, looking under the desk and in the drawers.

Hauled back to the appropriate side of the room and asked what He was doing the young lad replied, "looking for justice because there's no sign of it over here.

The CO rejoined, "that will be 14 days, RSM march Him out"
 
#6
This story has always made me smile though it may be rather tame by ARRSE standards;

My great grandfather Thomas Payne (Snr) was one of the soldiers aboard the Lancastria anchored just off the french coast on 17th June 1940 when it was hit by four bombs and sunk by the German Airforce. He was lucky in that he survived and in my eyes a hero as he saved a little girl from drowning allowing the girl's father to save the mother and not have to choose between the two.
Every year for some time my Grandfather Thomas Payne (Jnr) took my great grandfather to the annual re-union of the survivors of The Lancastria. As my great grandfather aged he started to become senile and got easily confused, one year when he was in his eighties my grandfather sat him down next to a gentleman of similar age at the re-union and over heard their conversation;

Old gentleman, "I was in WW2 you know"
Tom Payne (Snr), "Yes me too"
Old gentleman, "I was on The Lancastria when it sank"
Tom Payne (Snr), "Really! So was I what an amazing co-incedence!"

They went on to talk about the day neither of them realising the were at the survivors re-union.
 

elovabloke

ADC
Moderator
#7
Posted in Armoured Farmers thread, we even have an artist who MAY help.
 
#8
Have you had a trawl through the Army Urban Myths thread?

http://www.arrse.co.uk/cpgn2/Forums/viewtopic/t=24672.html

Some brilliantly funny stories in there, you could ask the poster if they mind you using some of those?

If you find any of mine that you think are any good then go ahead and use them.
 
#9
Having seen the story of The SAS lad who needs help I am back at this.
I have recently seen the perfect place out here, by the lake, have just the guy to run it, all I need now is your help.
 
#10
Ex Stab wrote
I think that when put on the spot people struggle to think of a good story. A better method might be to trawl through the site and find stories that you think are suitable and then PM the authors for permission to use them.

Here's one anyway:

TA infantry, 1987. Yours Truly has left the Air Cadets and is doing recruit weekends at the TAC. Upon being told by the Recruit Platoon Sgt that there was no recruit training that weekend I asked if I could go on the training weekend that the trained soldiers were doing. "But you've got no kit lad. You can't do that in coveralls." says Sgt B.
"Well I have my own combats and webbing from when I was in cadets, can I wear those?"
"If you're that keen I'll have a word with Sgt K."

So having blagged my way onto this training weekend, there I am, latest issue combats, 58 webbing, craphat and Sgt K's helmet. (No sniggering!)
I knew how to work an SLR because we'd shot them in cadets of course. What I didn't know was anything at all about how a section attack is conducted or infantry work in general!

After a couple of Section Attacks I hadn't made a great impression.
"What was your assessment of the last attack?" asks Sgt K.
"Well one bloke isn't pulling his weight" replied Cpl. R, an ex regular.
"Don't worry about him, he'll learn in time" said Sgt K.

It must have been about this time that someone thought up the wheeze that was to follow:

The "enemy" for the day was Sgt. H. The youngest and by most reckoning' hardest Sergeant in the Battalion. He was 23 and made a great impression on all who met him. He certainly made a great impression on me that day!

The drill was that we would practice "searching the enemy dead" after the next attack. The usual drill (although it was all new to me on the day of course).
1) One man covers the enemy with rifle, one goes prone on top of enemy
2) Prone man, rolls enemy body to one side so rifle man can check for grenade or booby trap and say "Clear" or if not, "Grenade" etc. in which case prone man rolls enemy back down to to take the blast.

Easy, even I could do that! So I get down on top of Sgt H. and roll him to one side. "Clear" comes the word from my new oppo but he totally fails to mention that Sgt H. is clutcing a large combat knife to his chest.
So I go to get up when Sgt H. suddenly rolls over and points this large knife into my face with his left hand. Instinctively, I grabbed his left wrist with my left hand, pushing the knife away whilst punching him an almighty smack in the face. Dropping the knife he jumped to his feet and kicked me in the ribs, breaking a rib.

Needless to say, everyone else present is now falling around in stitches at the sight of the biter bit!

The final outcome was that Sgt H. found me later and quietly apologised for the kicking, admitting that I had just acted instinctively whilst he should have shown some more self-control. The ribs memded in time. What was much funnier though was that for some while later I had a rather undeserved reputation as the new hardman. "Watch him - he punched Bobby H."
 
#11
Excellent idea for a very worthy cause.

Will try to drum up some good Irish regts tales for you. 8)
 
#12
Dwarf said:
Simply put I am asking you to contribute funny stories which I will then put together as a book, proceeds to be used to help veterans.
How much exactly is going to the vets mate?

Sorry to sound so sceptical but if you are just using the proceeds for overheads and then donating all of the remainder to help vets then I am all for it and will gladly contribute myself.

If, however, you will profit yourself from this and only a percentage will go to assist others then it's a bit of a cheek coming on here and by-passing all of the research and leg-work that such a book would ordinarily require.

Can you give more details mate as I'd hate to be unwittingly contributing towards your early retirement :wink:
 
#13
E-Layer said:
Dwarf said:
Simply put I am asking you to contribute funny stories which I will then put together as a book, proceeds to be used to help veterans.
How much exactly is going to the vets mate?

Sorry to sound so sceptical but if you are just using the proceeds for overheads and then donating all of the remainder to help vets then I am all for it and will gladly contribute myself.

If, however, you will profit yourself from this and only a percentage will go to assist others then it's a bit of a cheek coming on here and by-passing all of the research and leg-work that such a book would ordinarily require.

Can you give more details mate as I'd hate to be unwittingly contributing towards your early retirement :wink:
OK, it is extremely difficult to assure you that I am not doing this for me, and that the intention is to divert the largest part of this to the lads.
however I am a working lad and she-who-must-be-obeyed will give me grief if I don't take expenses.
Percentages depend on results, obviously the more sucessful the higher the percentage I will donate, but rest assured it is not 40/50 or 50/50 I am looking for MOST of it to go to the stated objectives.
If you think it necessary I can go in front of a notary and declare my intentions, that will then be binding.
I would love to be a millionaire, but I want to sleep at night too.
 
#15
Then there was Ginger who was working his ticket out of the Army ,by playing crazy and riding an invisible bike about camp.
On the day he was finally given a medical discharge, he walked past the Guard Room with his suit case in hand.
''Hey Ginger !," Shouted the Provost Sgt, "Where's your bike?"
'' I left it in there", replied Ginger," for some other daft cnut to ride out."
 
#16
Signed on 37 years ago on Wednesday :( so I suppose I could be called a veteran:

In 1970 in training at SEE Arborfield, we had a guy (can't remember his name but think it was Colin) who wandered about camp picking up bits of paper, turning them over, saying "That's not it" and putting them down again. :?:
After months of this, he was taken into the CO's office where he was officially told that his services were "no longer required" and was handed his Discharge Book (AB 108). He looked at it and said "That's it" and skipped out the office, never to be seen again! :D

Same era, same unit:
The training company were in rag order on parade when the CSM (Piggy Malone I believe) got to the edge of the square and bawled at the top of his voice "God, give me strength!". At this, 2 soldiers from the front rank took one pace smartly forward. The CSM came up in front of them and in a calm but loud voice enquired what the fuk they thought they were doing.
"We're the advance party from heaven, sir!" The whole parade, including the CSM, Sgts and Cpls burst out laughing. :D

That will do just now!
 
#17
In the messes of the Royal Navy a tale is told that strikes terror in the saltiest sea dog.

Royal Navy submarines used to carry the Mk 24 Tigerfish torpedo - a vile abomination contrary to the laws of man and god. Despite strenuous efforts by all concerned, the initial batch proved to be the Sinclair C5 of weapon systems.

One of the main problems during initial sea trials occurred when the weapon lost contact with its target. In theory, it should have used sonar to look left, right, up and down to reacquire. In practice, early models ended up reversing course and attacking the submarine that had fired the weapon. The test torpedoes had dummy warheads but could still cause a lot of damage on colliding with a submarine.

To avoid any unpleasantness, the cunning devils at MoD fitted the torpedoes with a gyroscope and a substantial explosive charge to destroy the torpedo if its course altered by more than about 120 degrees. On first firing this new 'safe' torpedo, it promptly jammed in the tube.

The weapon engineers quickly determined that a spell in dry dock would be needed to get the torpedo out so the captain reversed course to head back to port and raise an opdef report.

The key phrase in the above paragraph is 'reversed course'. The still active self destruct in the jammed torpedo detected the course change and did what self destructs do best. The skipper quickly found himself commanding the only submarine in the fleet with an indoor swimming pool.
 
#18
Dwarf said:
OK, it is extremely difficult to assure you that I am not doing this for me, and that the intention is to divert the largest part of this to the lads.
however I am a working lad and she-who-must-be-obeyed will give me grief if I don't take expenses.
Percentages depend on results, obviously the more sucessful the higher the percentage I will donate, but rest assured it is not 40/50 or 50/50 I am looking for MOST of it to go to the stated objectives.
If you think it necessary I can go in front of a notary and declare my intentions, that will then be binding.
I would love to be a millionaire, but I want to sleep at night too.
That's me sold then.................

:roll:
 
#19
E-Layer said:
Dwarf said:
OK, it is extremely difficult to assure you that I am not doing this for me, and that the intention is to divert the largest part of this to the lads.
however I am a working lad and she-who-must-be-obeyed will give me grief if I don't take expenses.
Percentages depend on results, obviously the more sucessful the higher the percentage I will donate, but rest assured it is not 40/50 or 50/50 I am looking for MOST of it to go to the stated objectives.
If you think it necessary I can go in front of a notary and declare my intentions, that will then be binding.
I would love to be a millionaire, but I want to sleep at night too.
That's me sold then.................

:roll:

I would like to amplify this a little.
The idea came to me from ARRSE, and it seemed like a good start point as here is a large group of military men from diverse military backgrounds. However I am not simply sticking a post on here and waiting till I get a few stories, I am trying other sources and contacting other groups such as RBL and Associations, the leg-work as it were.
But I want to keep it above board and not rip-off stories without permission, and this takes time.
Meeting people is time and expense, and visits have to be set up, remember I am just starting out here.
Even simply trolling through these pages takes quite a bit of time to strike gold, as while a lot of stuff is amusing, taken out of context it makes no sense to the outsider, and there is a lot to go through. Then I have to contact the original writer who may or may not still visit here and get his OK.

Here is a point, I am mulling over contacting units as I am sure a visit would prove productive, but would I trip over any politics by doing so?
Opinions please.

I freely acknowledge that while I am collating the stories the sources of the same come from a collective effort and from the experience of a number of people who are collaborating towards a common goal. This is why I am not looking to fund my retirement out of this book, as it is not mine, it belongs to all of us who help out, and to the lads it is designed to help.
I kicked over the idea with a guy ex-3PARA –Falklands vet-
And his comment was:
"if you raise money along the way and the scheme of things collapse, you can deduct fair and reasonable disbursements and donate the rest to Combat Stress."

I intend to honour that.


Finally I have The Chief Crisis Psychologist of the Catalan Generalitat (autonomous govt.) on board as we have been discussing the set-up of a contact line and a centre out here and he is willing to participate. If you PM me I can give you an e-mail to contact Sr Natxu Brunet, (Pron. natchoo brewnet) for confirmation.
 
#20
In 1981, a certain Jock Sgt (who shall remain nameless and blameless) was very friendly with one of the young wenches in a remote Scottish village. :oops:
Knowing the guy as we all did in the Mess, we knew that this "purely platonic" relationship was a damn sight more physical than platonic. In fact, "very friendly" is nowhere near how bloody friendly he was with her!

8O Every morning, he would come in for breakfast looking like he'd just spent a night with Agnes the sheep (a good looker I can tell ewe! Don't knock it till you try it!) :twisted:

Anyway, yer man comes in one particular morning white as the proverbial sheet. "Alec, (named changed) what the fuk's wrong" we asked. He replied saying that she had informed him the previous evening that the next day was going to be her birthday and he had total access to all areas for the night so to speak! :1:

"But Alec, she must have given you a real good shagging then". :donut: He agreed that he couldn't have asked or wished for a better night's entertainment. "So why are you looking like she sucked the blood out of you then?"

"Because she said that she'd be 15 the following day!" :albino:
 

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