Contribute a story to help veterans

Discussion in 'Current Affairs, News and Analysis' started by Dwarf, Apr 3, 2007.

Welcome to the Army Rumour Service, ARRSE

The UK's largest and busiest UNofficial military website.

The heart of the site is the forum area, including:

  1. Fellow Arrsers.
    I have recently noted lots of complaints on this site about the (mainly non-existent) help given to our returning veterans, and think I/we may be able to help a bit. Instead of moaning let’s set about helping each other, who better to do it? Taking into account the fact that if you put two British Soldiers together before long one will make the other laugh, I have come up with an idea.
    Simply put I am asking you to contribute funny stories which I will then put together as a book, proceeds to be used to help veterans.
    The book will be titled, 'Huh Bet Mine Doesn't Fit'. See below.

    A comment from a fellow arrser: I’ll be honest with you, I like your idea and why not do it, there must be hundreds of thousands of stories out there waiting to be told, some humorous, some hilarious, some reflective and some more serious and I feel that they should be told if people are willing to tell them.

    My initial idea was to set up a help-line/ centre manned by people who know, though it has been suggested that I set up a centre out here (Catalonia) to allow veterans to come and rest perhaps working with Combat Stress. It all depends on sales, if it doesn't take off then proceeds to Combat Stress, if it does then the idea can be expanded to include subscriptions and donations.
    I am writing to Frederick Forsyth and Max Hastings who are squaddie friendly for help in publishers, if you have practical ideas on any aspect then let me know. If it works great, if not then I/we tried, I would prefer to try and fail rather than not do anything.

    What am I looking for?
    Well amusing stories that will make you laugh, from any situation; barracks, action, exercise, it doesn't matter. Past or present, stories from WW2, Borneo, Falklands, Iraq, Germany, Ireland, times in between, get a friend or relation to contribute.

    Stories will be chosen on merit and put into relevant chapters.

    Swearing will be tolerated though may be cleaned up a bit, if Spike Milligan can use the F word then so can we. Probably.

    Stories may be edited slightly for spelling, grammar, and so on.

    Names and units are not necessary but often preferable. If you don't mind them coming out then PM me or use my e-mail, you can also post them but PM your data. Otherwise you can retain anonymity though I may use your arrse name.

    I will be contacting other sources, such as Legion magazine, if you have an idea tell me.

    OK, I include a couple of ideas to give a taste, though I am still trying to work out if I should include the one about my brother accidentally crapping on the barrel of his smg.

    The title comes from when I heard possibly the most intelligent comment ever made on the military.
    Out in Germany on exercise we were in the final hours before endex, everything that was going to happen had done so, and nothing was going on. I got back to my Platoon HQ from Company HQ to see the Platoon HQ lads looking hugely depressed.
    Quick, say something to raise morale, I thought. “ Cheer up lads, the OC has told me we are all getting issued with individual women”
    The reply was instantaneous without changing expression.
    “ Huh bet mine doesn’t fit”.

    Secondly A Fusilier CSM told me this from when he was in West Berlin during the Cold War.
    He was having a quiet beer in his house with his visiting brother-in-law when they got a surprise readiness alert, which regularly happened in those days. As he sprinted round getting his kit on his wife explained to her brother that this was in case Ivan came to pay a visit.
    “ So what happens if it is real?” he asked.
    “ Then I hang my knickers on the banister and go and lie on the bed” she said.
    As The CSM went out the door cramming his helmet onto his head he heard the brother-in-law asking out loud
    “ Has anyone got any Vaseline?”

    I have just noticed that mine both involve women/sex in some way, lets have some variety lads.

  2. Dwarf, thanks for the PM.

    It is 'Current Affairs' and I feel it is a very worthwhile idea.

    So, happy with that and wish you the best of luck. I'll move it into a more appropriate forum once enough interest is shown.

    You might consider posting this in Rum Ration and Rear Party to get the views from the other side of the fence?


  3. I've put a link on RP.
  4. Too late and too much cider to post a proper story but pm me tomorrow and I'll offer up a couple of shorties.

    Have you got approval from the beneficiary charities yet? This must be a precursor if you're looking for people to sign copyright over to you.

    Best Wishes,

    Ex STAB
  5. A story that may or may not be true but did the rounds in the early eighties.

    A Greenjacket is up on COs orders, found guilty and awarded 7 days pokey. As He hears the sentence the Greenjacket walks around to the COs side of the desk, looking under the desk and in the drawers.

    Hauled back to the appropriate side of the room and asked what He was doing the young lad replied, "looking for justice because there's no sign of it over here.

    The CO rejoined, "that will be 14 days, RSM march Him out"
  6. This story has always made me smile though it may be rather tame by ARRSE standards;

    My great grandfather Thomas Payne (Snr) was one of the soldiers aboard the Lancastria anchored just off the french coast on 17th June 1940 when it was hit by four bombs and sunk by the German Airforce. He was lucky in that he survived and in my eyes a hero as he saved a little girl from drowning allowing the girl's father to save the mother and not have to choose between the two.
    Every year for some time my Grandfather Thomas Payne (Jnr) took my great grandfather to the annual re-union of the survivors of The Lancastria. As my great grandfather aged he started to become senile and got easily confused, one year when he was in his eighties my grandfather sat him down next to a gentleman of similar age at the re-union and over heard their conversation;

    Old gentleman, "I was in WW2 you know"
    Tom Payne (Snr), "Yes me too"
    Old gentleman, "I was on The Lancastria when it sank"
    Tom Payne (Snr), "Really! So was I what an amazing co-incedence!"

    They went on to talk about the day neither of them realising the were at the survivors re-union.
  7. elovabloke

    elovabloke LE Moderator

    Posted in Armoured Farmers thread, we even have an artist who MAY help.
  8. Have you had a trawl through the Army Urban Myths thread?

    Some brilliantly funny stories in there, you could ask the poster if they mind you using some of those?

    If you find any of mine that you think are any good then go ahead and use them.
  9. Having seen the story of The SAS lad who needs help I am back at this.
    I have recently seen the perfect place out here, by the lake, have just the guy to run it, all I need now is your help.
  10. Ex Stab wrote
    I think that when put on the spot people struggle to think of a good story. A better method might be to trawl through the site and find stories that you think are suitable and then PM the authors for permission to use them.

    Here's one anyway:

    TA infantry, 1987. Yours Truly has left the Air Cadets and is doing recruit weekends at the TAC. Upon being told by the Recruit Platoon Sgt that there was no recruit training that weekend I asked if I could go on the training weekend that the trained soldiers were doing. "But you've got no kit lad. You can't do that in coveralls." says Sgt B.
    "Well I have my own combats and webbing from when I was in cadets, can I wear those?"
    "If you're that keen I'll have a word with Sgt K."

    So having blagged my way onto this training weekend, there I am, latest issue combats, 58 webbing, craphat and Sgt K's helmet. (No sniggering!)
    I knew how to work an SLR because we'd shot them in cadets of course. What I didn't know was anything at all about how a section attack is conducted or infantry work in general!

    After a couple of Section Attacks I hadn't made a great impression.
    "What was your assessment of the last attack?" asks Sgt K.
    "Well one bloke isn't pulling his weight" replied Cpl. R, an ex regular.
    "Don't worry about him, he'll learn in time" said Sgt K.

    It must have been about this time that someone thought up the wheeze that was to follow:

    The "enemy" for the day was Sgt. H. The youngest and by most reckoning' hardest Sergeant in the Battalion. He was 23 and made a great impression on all who met him. He certainly made a great impression on me that day!

    The drill was that we would practice "searching the enemy dead" after the next attack. The usual drill (although it was all new to me on the day of course).
    1) One man covers the enemy with rifle, one goes prone on top of enemy
    2) Prone man, rolls enemy body to one side so rifle man can check for grenade or booby trap and say "Clear" or if not, "Grenade" etc. in which case prone man rolls enemy back down to to take the blast.

    Easy, even I could do that! So I get down on top of Sgt H. and roll him to one side. "Clear" comes the word from my new oppo but he totally fails to mention that Sgt H. is clutcing a large combat knife to his chest.
    So I go to get up when Sgt H. suddenly rolls over and points this large knife into my face with his left hand. Instinctively, I grabbed his left wrist with my left hand, pushing the knife away whilst punching him an almighty smack in the face. Dropping the knife he jumped to his feet and kicked me in the ribs, breaking a rib.

    Needless to say, everyone else present is now falling around in stitches at the sight of the biter bit!

    The final outcome was that Sgt H. found me later and quietly apologised for the kicking, admitting that I had just acted instinctively whilst he should have shown some more self-control. The ribs memded in time. What was much funnier though was that for some while later I had a rather undeserved reputation as the new hardman. "Watch him - he punched Bobby H."
  11. Excellent idea for a very worthy cause.

    Will try to drum up some good Irish regts tales for you. 8)
  12. How much exactly is going to the vets mate?

    Sorry to sound so sceptical but if you are just using the proceeds for overheads and then donating all of the remainder to help vets then I am all for it and will gladly contribute myself.

    If, however, you will profit yourself from this and only a percentage will go to assist others then it's a bit of a cheek coming on here and by-passing all of the research and leg-work that such a book would ordinarily require.

    Can you give more details mate as I'd hate to be unwittingly contributing towards your early retirement :wink:
  13. OK, it is extremely difficult to assure you that I am not doing this for me, and that the intention is to divert the largest part of this to the lads.
    however I am a working lad and she-who-must-be-obeyed will give me grief if I don't take expenses.
    Percentages depend on results, obviously the more sucessful the higher the percentage I will donate, but rest assured it is not 40/50 or 50/50 I am looking for MOST of it to go to the stated objectives.
    If you think it necessary I can go in front of a notary and declare my intentions, that will then be binding.
    I would love to be a millionaire, but I want to sleep at night too.
  14. is this not what The Army Benevolent Fund is supposed to be all about?
  15. Then there was Ginger who was working his ticket out of the Army ,by playing crazy and riding an invisible bike about camp.
    On the day he was finally given a medical discharge, he walked past the Guard Room with his suit case in hand.
    ''Hey Ginger !," Shouted the Provost Sgt, "Where's your bike?"
    '' I left it in there", replied Ginger," for some other daft cnut to ride out."