Constipated

Discussion in 'The ARRSE Hole' started by pompey, Jun 18, 2007.

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  1. I just grabbed the paper and set off for an afternoon Eartha. On the first squeeze I immediately realised that I was going to be having trouble with this one and I soon had to put the paper down as I knew that all my efforts would have to go into getting what seemed like setting concrete out of my backside. A few pushes and strains weren't doing anything but forcing a rock solid turtle head half an inch out of a now stretched hoop... this looked like trouble! No need to flap though I thought, relax, breathe and I'll push this out sooner or later. It was later, much later. I spent 15 minutes, straining and panting, looking like I was in the throws of giving birth to an 8 pounder - god, maybe I was!!!!! I was now sweating and my ring stretched like a rent boys' on his first day of work and I was thinking how to get out of this - the old mathematician method (work it out with a pencil)?
    Well, it took a series of short pushes and strains ( I saw stars at one point and thought I was going to pass out!!) whilst trying to hold my arse cheeks apart and finally and very very slow the wooden fossil like turd crimped off in big peices, creating tsumani like waves in the pan below me. I was sure my hoop would be in bits but on checking (a quick examination was suffice, but did think about getting the mobile phone out and recording the state of the undercarriage) everything was fine, not a hint of the trauma I had been through, I was a happy man and quietly thanked whatever god that was responsible for getting me through that unscathed!

    I'm off to get some syrup of figs that I will keep in a phial round my neck in case there is a next time!!!

    potentially good thread with the usual outcome - hooped. mk
     
  2. B_AND_T

    B_AND_T LE Book Reviewer

    How unusual to find a Pompey Supporter full of sh1t.
     
  3. Take a good long hard shot of nicotine next time, that is 100% deffo going to get you moving.
     
  4. Nothing wrong with Pompey fans....have a look at the Scum down the road from us


    [​IMG]
     
  5. B_AND_T

    B_AND_T LE Book Reviewer

    Photoshop is a great thing. I take it you have been using your camera around Paulsgrove then.

    B&T
    From next door to the scummers.
     
  6. With richard the thirds like that..it sounds if you are dehydrated..Are you takin on enough fluids during the day? A minimum of 4 litres of water. If you are eating junk food such as burgers/french fries/fried food.. stop! unless you want undercarriage to look like a gun shot wound next time.
    Advice - More fluids, more fruit, less fat boy kebabs.
     
  7. old_fat_and_hairy

    old_fat_and_hairy LE Book Reviewer Reviews Editor

    I tried to leave a message on here with a folder full of advice, but it wouldn't open!
     

  8. I don't normally do Maccy Ds or fried food (rarely) but had my first one in months yesterday, I was starving and couldn't find anywhere else open so grabbed something there - didn't think I could that reaction from a McChicken sandwich!!! It's probably lack of fluids then... I normally drink a few litres a day and more when training, but been neglecting that for last few days.
     
  9. Never mind water. You know what they say: "If the bottom's fallen out of your world, drink Bass, and the world falls out of your bottom".
     

  10. Know how you ...... :x urgh....... :x urgh...... feel
     
  11. A self administered enema will get it out in a jiffi. A bit of cooking oil thrown in with the mix.
     
  12. Pompey Wrote:

    I just grabbed the paper and set off for an afternoon Eartha.

    EARTHA?????
     
  13. Fugly

    Fugly LE DirtyBAT

    Dumbass - you know, the well known singer.



    Eartha Franklin.

    Hang on.....................
     
  14. Eartha Kitt - SH1T
     
  15. Fugly

    Fugly LE DirtyBAT