Discussion in 'The Intelligence Cell' started by ExPara, Feb 25, 2004.

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  1. At a very boring MS brief in the late 70s, the high point of the day was a sampling of allegedly true quotations from confidential reports. These were along the lines of "I would not breed from this officer" (purportedly by a cavalry CO) or "This officer has had some difficulty adjusting to her new position beneath her superior".

    There was also a CR decode guide "Active Socially = Drinks like a fish"

    Has anyone ever come across a list of these?
  2. ViroBono

    ViroBono LE Moderator

    These things circulate now and again.

    I few I can remember:

    'Has a keen sense of humour' = laughs at the OC's jokes

    'He has an eye for detail' = nitpicker

    'He appears to have found his level' = will never progress beyond Cpl
  3. Here is the full list, enjoy :D :


    "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap"
    "He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age."

    "This Officer should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better."

    "This officer is depriving a village somewhere of its idiot."

    "Only occasionally wets himself under pressure."

    "This Officer is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't-be."

    "When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there."

    "He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction."

    "He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle."

    "Technically sound, but socially impossible."

    "This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope - always spinning around at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere."

    "This young man has delusions of adequacy."

    "When he joined my ship, this Officer was something of a granny; since then he has aged considerably. "

    "This Medical Officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar."

    "Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig."

    "She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

    "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity."

    "I would not breed from this Officer."

    "This officer has the astonishing ability to provoke something close to a mutiny every time he opens his mouth".

  4. ...and along similar lines:

    UK Insurance Claims
    Below are actual insurance claim form gaffs.

    "I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought."

    "A car drove away at speed catching our client who went up in the air and his head went through the windscreen and then rolled off at the traffic lights a good few feet away. The car then sped off and miraculously our client remained conscious and managed to cross the road."

    "I am responsible for the accident as I was miles away at the time."

    "I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the bonnet. I realised the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket."

    Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident?
    A: Travelled by bus?

    "I had one eye on a parked car, another on approaching lorries, and another on the woman behind".

    "I started to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel and an elephant tethered at the verge. This distraction caused me to lose concentration and hit a bollard."

    "On the M6 I moved from the centre lane to the fast lane but the other car didn't give way."

    "On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke."

    "Three men approached me from the minibus. I thought they were coming to apologise. Two of the men grabbed hold of me by my arms and the first slapped me several times across the face. I kneed the man in the groin but didn't connect properly so I kicked him in the shin."

    A customer collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were:
    Q - What warning was given by you?
    A - Horn
    Q - What warning was given by the other party?
    A - Moo

    "I was going at about 70 or 80 mph when my girlfriend on the pillion reached over and grabbed my testicles so I lost control."

    "I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight"
    "I was on my way to see an unconscious patient who had convulsions and was blocked by a tanker."

    "Mr. X is in hospital and says I can use his car and take his wife while he is there. What shall I do about it?"

    "No witnesses would admit having seen the mishap until after it happened."

    "I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have asked her to drive it if I had thought there was any risk."

    "While proceeding through 'Monkey Jungle', the vehicle was enveloped by small fat brown grinning monkeys. Number three fat brown monkey (with buck teeth) proceeded to swing in an anticlockwise direction on the radio aerial. Repeated requests to desist were ignored. Approximately 2 minutes and 43 seconds later, small fat brown monkey disappeared in 'Monkey Jungle' clutching radio aerial."

    Q: Do you engage in motorcycling, hunting or any other pastimes of a hazardous nature?
    A: Watch the Marty Caine Show and listen to Terry Wogan.

    "First car stopped suddenly, second car hit first car and a haggis ran into the rear of second car."

    "Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably voodoo."

    "The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again."

    "We had completed the turn and had just straightened the car when Miss X put her foot down hard and headed for the ladies' loo."

    "I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in- law and headed over the embankment."

    "The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention."

    "I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.

    "To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck the pedestrian."

    "My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle."

    "I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows."