R*****, it was in Berlin early 90s and you had given me loads of signals to send. You knew I would be up half the night, and indeed I was. The lads from my platoon were on barrack guard and they kindly let that porn-star lookalike big-titted blonde Bavarian cleaning wench in through the front gate. Shortly afterwards I was busting her back door in with my combats round my ankles, all round your office and over your desk, pencils, pens and paper clips everywhere. As to how all the legs on that particular desk managed to bend themselves to the point that it was teetering when you hauled me in front of you the next day? Well, now you know!
Ladies and gentlemen for many long years I have carried around a burden so heavy that only sharing it on an open forum will provide me with some peace. I lay my self at your mercy for various acts of buffoonery in the name of fun.
Dec 2001 - Maj J**n Wh**m*** - I goaded your two dogs when you locked them in your office with the result that they trashed the 2 day old carpet, ripping various pams and crapping on the new leather sofas by banging like a knob everytime I walked past the closed door.
May 10 2000 - Freetown APOD - Cpl G** E**a**S it was I who swapped your bayonet for the weighted foam toy pirates dagger which you then showed off to the UKMAMS crew who flattened your bergen.
Aug 1999 - Capt H*** Sm*** I biffed your Finacee, Lt A*y L*rri***, in the 3 bells car park after you had the CSM charge me for long sidies on the firday before my first leave in 4 months. I also biffed your betrothed several times further at a B&B in Lincolnshire on weekends when she said she was helping the local OTC. She infomred me you had a small one and liked to wear your dress cap while doing the do and grunted like a pig. I would like to add she was filthy and you wouldn't let her see you naked in the light.
Apr 1997 - Frispy it was I who superglued your beret to your washbasin taps, pished in your iron and got S*u Gr**n (for a slab of wife beater)to crap in your lockers after you informed the Colour I called you a Frisp...and got a beasting (in full cefo) by the prick for 2 hours coz he came from your home town.
I would like to say it wasn't me who kidnapped Maj Ho***** hamster from HQ (why couldn't he have a fecking labrador like everyone else?) and then proceeeded to place a small parachute around a hamster ball and then drop it from the second floor in the block to see if would survive (it did), causing it distress and stuff, that was the assault pioneers...
I have a few confessions to make w.r.to BIFFO, the fat wobbly tiffy and bloated dive supervisor with 11 Armd Wksp in the late 1980s:
1. Your nickname, which you quite liked, was not a fond reference to a hapless and innocuous bear in the Beano!
get the picture now?
2. Skiffing, as an artform, was at that time in it's infancy. I must admit to having applied a classical bellend cheddar skiffing to your divers face mask on many occasions, I also had the mouthpieces of your aqualung, your snorkel and your stab jacket all well wedged up my arse from time to time!
3. You should be aware that in REME Corps Regulations the fifteen second rule applies only to unattended barstools and womenfolk. It was never meant to be applied to kebabs or egg banjo's!
You found it very funny to dick people off on details once Frank Bough orders had been placed, in order to neck the vacant comestibles yourself. How we all laughed at your wizard wheeze!
You should be aware of one thing though, that was not brown sauce!