Confess you slags

Jesus and his dad have had a natter and decided that the site needed an appointed point of contact direct with 'upstairs' because Purple Flash is a bit puffy and only knows the naff hymns.

For the bargain price of $95 a piece cait and I have become ordained and are now qualified to conduct marraiges and funerals.... cait can do christenings, (but the offenders register prevents me)

We have catered for all creeds and religions, you'll note that cait is a Rabbi, not through belief but through her novelty facial hair.

Use this thread to confess, we wil then decide whether you'll be fogiven or walloped good and hard with the cardinals correction stick.

No swearing, and please no dullness, Jesus really fcukign hates dullards

Remember Jesus wants you all for sunbeams, even the ugly ones, you just have to get through the angelic assault course laid down by us to get there.

Forgive me minister for i have sinned?

Twice now this week whilst leaving for work i have looked into my nieghbours bedroom window, only to see her getting dressed, i dont seem able to stop i just sit there touching meself. the first time she had just got out of the shower and was very wet. i think she likes me aswell what should i do? i feel so wrong, last night when i saw her getting of the school bus with her mates i nearlly shot me bolt. :twisted: :twisted: :twisted: :wink:
bless me father for I have sinned. It has been (feck!) 17 years since my last confession. erm... blimey. I think we should phone for a pizza as this will take some time.

<...swings rosary>

weeeellllll. I've blasphemed. A couple of years ago I shagged a Man U fan. It was a while ago. He was Guar.

I'm so sorry.

Shrew. <cries>
dear ARRSE religious pions (minister dm and rabbi cait)

was at party many years ago at a so called mates house. I had to take a dump and since I hated his flatmate's with a passion(in your face shirt tail lifters) I lifted the lid where you flush the toilet and left my dump in there. It stunk so bad.

I took pleasure in thinking about how they dealt with the combined Stella/curry stench

does this make me a bad person?
If you are a real rabbi Cait could you molest me and tenderly suck my helmet to completion please. I won't confess or tell me mum.

I've always had this thing about beards and curly sideburns

Thanks ever so much :lol:
Forgive me Minster and Significant Other for I keep committing the same sin over and over again................. I cant remember my last confession. I keep having this urge to orgasm whether driving the car, going swimming, walking around the supermarkets. The urge is OK but its what I do to relieve myself that makes me commit the sin. I actually masturbate!! Should I whip myself uncontrollably and say 1000 Hail Mary's and hope it goes away or do I just carry on and enjoy evey minute?
Dear minister

Forgive me, for I have sinned.

I have discovered that someone I know has been revealing my innermost fears and phobias to random females.

Discovering his lack of loyalty has enraged me and I have this uncontrollable urge to stove his face in with a claw hammer.

If I do this, how many hail mary's do I need to say in order to be forgiven
It is true, ive seen the light... along with Sister_Suckalot (AKA Ting Tong)we are now fully paid up members of the clergy.

For $94 not only do we get the right to conducted weddings, funerals & bahmitzvas, an ID card and prayer book im hoping get a off Jewish nose and gigs too. :D

So if any of you from the Jewish persuasion, feel the need for a compassionate shoulder to cry on..... find a fcuking pardre, unless you own a jewellers shop or porn brokers.... then im all ears, except to anyone with an Ann Frank sob story :D

Ba-ruch a-tah A-do-nai E-lo-hei-nu Me-lech Ha-o-lam,
a-sher kid-sha-nu b'mitz-vo-tav
al n'ti-lat ya-da-yim.

OZ said:
If you are a real rabbi Cait could you molest me and tenderly suck my helmet to completion please. I won't confess or tell me mum.
As i am Jewish i cannot touch pigs you heathen.

I love you all....
Firstly, all of you sinners take a pat on your humpbacks for beginning your journey along the highway of happiness.

Only once your consciences are clear will you truly feel the benefit of a cleansed sole...

Shrew, you should be cast into the eternal pit of pants people, you are incurable.

Insatiable lady, you are way above you station, time to face reality that you are not as aesthetically pleasing as you think.

Hallveg, you came to arrse a short time ago and although amusing have trashed yourself by posting to much to often, you are hereby given a second chance.... a special gift from St Peter himself, he his patron saint of reformed cnuts.

Now then, lets have a hymn before NAAFI break, after me... Stand up Stand up for jesus.. ( apart from dragonone who is in a chair, drop me a PM my gaffer is a whizz with miracles)
Forgive me Minister, for I have sinned. I thank you for this opportunity to confess.

I have this uncontrollable passion to lezzer.

I have fantasies that are undoubtedly filthy but I have recently discovered that the object of my desires has been bumping uglies with StabTiffy2b.

I want her to stretch my snatch and tickly my ovaries with a pace stick. I have kept this a secret for so long, like her affair with StabTiff.

I will, as penance, say Hail Mary's as I imgaine her trimming her pubes with a flymo. One more sin, the worst of all, she is a civvy and I am unsure if this makes her a dullard.

I love her, I have even made a song for her. Here is the chorus, sang to the tune of 'The Lord is my Shephard'. I often sing it to myself as I strum.

Here goes:

'Moody, Moody, I so want you to be mine. I can even forgive you for being a civvy although it might take time to get over you fcuking wingnut.'

Moodylezzer said:
Forgive me Minister, for I have sinned. I thank you for this opportunity to confess.
My child, you have a lack of moral fibre abusing the system for a dual login.... dont worry redemption is nigh the powers that be will search your IP and all will be told.... Renfrewshire you do dwell so the heavens tell me...... Amen.
A plague of locusts will be sent to clense the tennament block dwelling evil porridge wog from your smacked up irn bru ways.... come into the light.

Minister i do reqesteth that you do not waste miracles on the mongaloides....they are the devils henchmen after all.
Rabbi_Cait said:
Minister i do reqesteth that you do not waste miracles on the mongaloides....they are the devils henchmen after all.
Rabbi, I bow and genuflect to your superior knowledge and apologise fro the way in which the western world treated you during the thirties and forties...

In my holy hindsight its quite clear the Hitlers plan for cleansing was foiled, he should have started with Dragons lot.... but the fire couldn't be heated high enough to melt the tungsten carbide wheels.

Dragon, the offer of a Miracle to save your damaged legs is hereby revoked, you are therefore cast into a modern day coloseum where tigers and lions will be set upon you for our entertainment.

I'm off for communion and a cup of holy horlicks
Forgive me Father for I have sined, it has been 20 years since my last confession, I have sworn, cheated, gambled, womanised, watch pornography, made pornography, drank untold amounts of Satans p!ss (known commonly as booze), indulged in fornacation out side of marrage and b*ggered an ex-girlfriend.
All I need now is to deflower a virgin and I will have a full set of sins, can you help me?
Not on this thread you won't !

By the magical and slightly biased powers within me I shall call on cardinal canteen cowboy, and get him to smyte thee from thy thread.

Lord von harely, if you are looking for a virgin on arse then I fear you will struggle... no point looking at my choir boys either, they ahve had the meaty mitre jammed home many times
Thank'ee Father, I fear I'm to old to break in those who are as pure as the driven snown. I will settle for woman of the world who romp like psychotic rabbits on heat.
Forgive me fathers for I have sinned and sinned beyond the depths of depravity, hell and those really annoying adverts on UK History. I have a thing for redheads :cry: I've tried and tried to give up but I can't :cry:

save my soul
I seek your forgiveness, not in the evil fashion of those wicked enough to have committed the sins mentioned here already, but instead because I now no more attempt such stuff. No longer is there beery sick in the basin each weekend, no more do I wear the least honking shirt from the pile in the corner, no fat mingers are entertained by the Barclays witticisms, no rumbles in the pub car park ... I have indeed become dull. But it is not my fault - the blame should fall squarely on the medicine bottle-like shoulders of Mrs Barclays who is as mean as a snake and daily looks more like her mother. I could do with some divine assistance on this one - an accidental smoting ?
I must confess that my standards are slipping. I want to deposit my range glue in an arrse maiden. It might have something to do with me not getting laid in over six months, but ever since Beebs told me that she keeps thinking about me, I dream of rolling her in flour to find the elusive wet spot.

I'm so desperate that I have a burning desire to shag Dale as well (or is that, if I shagged her, it would feel that parts of me are burning?). I'm really jealous of Goku for getting some Slug loving.

Please help me, oh lord. Quell these animal feelings to make the beast with two backs with one of these spunk dumps.

(P.S. No Babyboyglue, and your little cronies, I will never be that desperate)

Edited to add: Obviously, I was not inferring that Beebs is a spunk dump. The last thing that I need is a Sweaty Sock Midget trying to knee cap me.
Thread starter Similar threads Forum Replies Date
redshift The NAAFI Bar 167
breadbombs Miscellaneous Jokes 9
Dwarf Miscellaneous Jokes 0

Similar threads

Latest Threads