Complaint to Devon + Cornwall Police

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by jack-daniels, Feb 11, 2008.

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  1. Got sent this today, not sure if it's pukka but quite funny.

    A genuine complaint to Devon & Cornwall Police Force from an angry member of the public

    Dear Sir/madam/automated telephone answering service,

    Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Bodmin police station to pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the idea and try e-mailing you instead.

    Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this message on to your colleagues in Bodmin, by means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon or Ouija board.

    As I'm writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments (I think you call them youths) in St Marys Crescent , which is just off St Marys Road in Bodmin.

    Six of them seem happy enough to play a game which involves kicking a football against an iron gate with the force of a meteorite.

    This causes an earth shattering CLANG! which rings throughout the entire building. This game is now in its third week and as I am unsure how the scoring system works, I have no idea if it will end any time soon.

    The remaining five walking abortions are happily rummaging through several bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so thoughtfully dumped beside the wheelie bins. One of them has found a saw and is setting about a discarded chair like a beaver on speed.

    I fear that it's only a matter of time before they turn their limited attention to the bottle of calor gas that is lying on its side between the two bins. If they could be relied on to only blow their own arms and legs off then I would happily leave them to it. I would even go so far as to lend them the matches. Unfortunately they are far more likely to blow up half the street with them and I've just finished decorating the kitchen.

    What I suggest is this - after replying to this e-mail with worthless assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt with, why not leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath night) when there are no mutants around then drive up the street in a panda car before doing a three point turn and disappearing again. This will of course serve no other purpose than to remind us what policemen actually look like.

    I trust that when I take a claw hammer to the skull of one of these throwbacks you'll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month head start before coming to arrest me.

    I remain sir, your obedient servant
    Mr ??????,

    I have read your e-mail and understand you frustration at the problems caused by youth playing in the area and the problems you have encountered in trying to contact the police.

    As the Community Beat Officer for your street I would like to extend an offer of discussing the matter fully with you.

    Should you wish to discuss the matter, please provide contact details (address / telephone number) and when may be suitable.


    PC ?
    Community Beat Officer
    Dear PC ?

    First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy response to my original e-mail.

    16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record for Bodmin Police station, and rest assured that I will forward these details to Norris McWhirter for inclusion in his next book.

    Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has its own community beat officer.

    May I be the first to congratulate you on your covert skills? In the five or so years I have lived in St Marys Crescent , I have never seen you. Do you hide up a tree or have you gone deep undercover and infiltrated the gang itself? Are you the one with the acne and the moustache on his forehead or the one with a chin like a wash hand basin?

    It's surely only a matter of time before you are headhunted by MI5.

    Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious crimes taking place in Bodmin, such as smoking in a public place or being Muslim without due care and attention, is it too much to ask for a policeman to explain (using words of no more than two syllables at a time) to these twats that they might want to play their strange football game elsewhere. The pitch on Fairpark Road , or the one at Priory Park are both within spitting distance as is the bottom of the Par Dock.

    Should you wish to discuss these matters further you should feel free to contact me on <DATE> if after 25 minutes I have still failed to answer, I'll buy you a large one in the Cat and Fiddle Pub.


    P.S If you think that this is sarcasm, think yourself lucky that you don't work for the cleansing department, with whom I am also in contact!!
  2. wasn't this or very similar on a while back, but somewhere in Scotland??
  3. Looks Familiar
  4. Don't know. Probably was, you know how these things do the rounds and reckon they're genuine, first time I'd seen it. I guess it's about right somewhere though.
  5. Damn these imposter e mails. I'm blocking the sender!
  6. Read a story a while back about a resident who could see some youths breaking into his shed at the bottom of the garden.

    When he called the police he was told by the controller 'Sorry we have no resources available to dispatch to you at the moment'. Obviously a little disheartening. The guy gave it a few moments before ringing in again saying 'I rang to report youths breaking into my shed a little while ago, you need not rush anyone round, I've just shot one of them, he isn't going very far very quickly'. Apparantly within minutes ARV's, dog handlers etc were on scene, shortly followed by the copper chopper overhead. 'Thought you said you had shot one of the youths' plod said, 'Thought you said you had no resources available' was the reply.

    Not sure if there is any shred of truth in that tale, and not really related to the original post, but I found it amusing nonetheless.

  7. So presumably he'd get done for wasting police time etc?
  8. Funny though.
  9. And they'd get done for Impersonating Police Officers! :twisted:
  10. oldbaldy

    oldbaldy LE Moderator Good Egg (charities)
    1. Battlefield Tours

    Been around for a while & one of those you wish was true:

  11. Another supposedly true story;

    Two British traffic patrol officers from North Berwick were involved in an unusual incident while checking for speeding motorists on the A1 Great North Road. One of the officers used a hand-held radar device to check the speed of a vehicle approaching over the crest of a hill, and was surprised when the speed was recorded at over 300 mph. Their radar suddenly stopped working and the officers were not able to reset it.

    Just then a deafening roar over the treetops revealed that the radar had in fact latched on to a NATO Tornado fighter jet which was engaged in a low-flying exercise over the Border district, approaching from the North Sea.

    Back at police headquarters the chief constable fired off a stiff complaint to the RAF Liaison office.

    Back came the reply in true laconic RAF style:

    "Thank you for your message, which allows us to complete the file on this incident. You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the Tornado had detected the presence of, and subsequently locked onto, your hostile radar equipment and automatically sent a jamming signal back to it.

    Furthermore, an air-to-ground missile aboard the fully-armed aircraft had also automatically locked onto your equipment. Fortunately the pilot flying the Tornado recognised the situation for what it was, quickly responded to the missile systems alert status, and was able to override the automated defence system before the missile was launched and your hostile radar installation was destroyed.

    Good Day..."
  12. Bloody hell, it's a plod urban legend fest!!!
  13. Sounds very much like a similar incident that happened in the mid 90’s on the Otterburn training area. In that particular case a USAF F16 on a low level training mission detected ‘Hostile’ radar and automatically fired chaff etc. The ‘hostile’ radar was in fact a hand held speed gun being used by an RMP patrol on the training area. The patrols ‘official’ story alleged the aircraft flew over the brow of a hill while they were checking the speed of a military vehicle. Unofficially the lesson was learnt by the crew never to let a LCpl loose with a speed gun when he wonders how fast jets really fly!
    The incident was written up in the OTA police post DOB along with the name of the irate RAF Officer who created merry hell with the Brigade training at the time. The details of Ord Sgt plus the Cpl and LCpl involved (one of which is a fellow arrser who I won’t embarrass)