Colouful and descripive phrases

I sometimes use a particular phrase of a descriptive nature to enforce a point.
Two examples.

"It's so hot my bollocks are like plums in heavy syrup."

Another used on a hot day

"I've got an arse like a fresh bullet wound."

Any others spring to mind?
For a hot day:

I am sweating like a rapist or you could drown kittens in my pants right now!

and for the old and bold on a rainy day 'I am wetter than a tupney whoers crack after a troop of soldiers'
She had a face like:

A dog's arse with a hat on

A blind cobbler's thumb

A bulldog chewing a wasp.

A fanny like:

A butcher's shop window

A ripped out fireplace

A wizard's sleeve.
When being refused at a tea dance: "If I had a face like yours I'd shave me arse and walk backwards."


Book Reviewer
A fanny that resembled a yawning hippo.
A fanny like a hippos yawn

A fanny like a bust mattress

A fanny like a smashed clock

A fanny like a sheeps cut throat

A face like a welders bench

her fannys like licking a 9 volt battery
When offered a choice one find unpalatable..."I would rather dip my head in boiling chip fat...again."

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