Cold War Warrior Ballads


It isn't widely known that dope addled flasher Jim Morrison served in 1 PWO prior to forming the Doors in the late 1960s and one of the songs he wrote then subsequently reappeared in slightly altered form as 'Riders on the Storm':

There's fcuk all in the stores
There's fcuk all in the stores
I went for an exchange
The look I got was strange
They've flogged off all the kit
And spent the cash on whores
There's fcuk all in the stores
Prehistoric, drug addled, wild haired fijian tree falling guitar wizard Keith Richards unsurprisingly considering his drug intake did 6 years in 3 RGJ, 4 of these in the MT where he was the panzer maintenance meister, it was during a PRE inspection build up, out of his mind on uber weed that he locked himself in zero alphas wagon to pen one of his most famous works, which he did with one hand.

I'm on my panzer and they want it painted black
With wide green stripes on but predominantly black.
I'€™ve stripped the CES and returned it to the stores
I'€™ve removed the optics and opened the rear doors
I see a new boy and he’s in his coveralls
I grab him by the scruff and gently squeeze his balls
I throw him on the roof and a paintbrush he does catch
I tell him to pay attention to the bit around the mortar hatch..
I lock myself inside and spark myself a fag
I get my c0ck out and I fondle my ball bag
Maybe then Ill crack one off thinking of my birds snatch
And wipe my residue around the drivers hatch.

I stumble out the rear door and i give my head a whack
I clipped it on the roof and f uck me does it knack
The sprog gets all excited and trips over the paint tin
I grab a track spanner and fill the f ucker in..
Hmm, hmm, hmm,...
I wanna see it painted, painted black
Black as night, black as coal
I wanna see the sun blotted like with a 58 pattern black nose man
I wanna see it painted, painted, painted, painted black
Semi grizzly adams looking, uber fiddle demon, country maestro Charlie Daniels, whilst serving with the spams in Germany, was attached to the Brits in the old 1 Div area, where he witnessed the Tommy's pilphering first hand. Most notable of all the tea leaves was a 19 year sapper called 'Dinger' Bell, who if he couldn't steal kit, would challenge blokes to exotic contests to win their clobber. Well, old Charlie was inspired by the light fingered prowess of Dinger and wrote a song about him. Then, on returning to the States, Charlie changed the lyrics to a more religious theme and it sold like hot cakes with the bible bashing sceptics.
Anyway, the original of 'The Devil went down to Georgia', went something like this

Well Dinger went down to Soltau
He was looking for some stuff to steal
Coz he was in the sh1t
and he needed kit
Before going out in the field

He came across a buckshee tom
Pulling his nob and pulling it hard
And Dinger jumped up on the end of his bunk
and said "Boy I'll tell you what"

"I bet you didn't know it,
but I play with my widgy too
and if you care to take a dare
I'll make a bet with you
Now you've got a good technique boy
but give old Dinger his due
I'll bet a Norgey shirt that I can spurt
even quicker than you"

The boy said "Well they call me Thrapper
and it might be a bit bent
but I don't give fcuk, coz I'll chuck my muck
even in a four man tent"

Thrapper go lubing up your helm
and rub your nob real hard
Coz there's a Milk off up in Soltau
and Dinger Holds all the Cards
Then if you win you'll become the Div milking king
but if you loose then Dinger gets your shirt

Dinger then unzipped his fly and said
"I'll start this show"
Then he spat some gob on his fingertips
and his lash began to grow
then he pulled his hand down his shaft
and it made a funny hiss
Dinger thought that he had shot his wad
but he'd just leaked a bit of p1ss

When Dinger finished, Thrapper said
"Well you're pretty good old son,
but sit down on that swamped bed right there
and I'll show you how it's done."

Fire in from his ball bag, milk boy milk
Dingers just waiting to rob your kit
don't turn your back or he'll nick your stuff
then tell all your mates that you're a poof

Thrapper blew his beans
in about 10 seconds flat
So Dinger just shook his head
and said, "You fcuking twat."
Thrapper said "Dinger just come on back,
if you want to try again,
I told you once
you fat old dreg
I'm the best there's ever been."
Ageing, portly, lederhosen wearing, knicker draped valley lothario of yesteryear Tom Jones did some time with the RWF in Osnabruck, inbetween protracted bouts of whoring.
He was a less than willing soldier, having been given the choice of the army or a good shoeing from a string of irate coalminers whose wives he had impregnated with his curly haired, lantern jawed seed.
This is reflected in the Lyrics he penned on the back of a figure 11 target recovered from the range hut at number 5 gallery range on Soltau.
Rumour has it, a WRAC contingent using the range afterwards all fell pregnant after pasting up with private Jones'€™ paste pot.

I looked on part 2 orders on Tuesday night
My name is down for ranges and I thought “oh shite”
Breakfast is five thirty and that'€™s still night
And haverbags for our lunch.

teabomb teabomb, wheres the teabomb uh, huh
I saw it on the wagon, I'€™m sure it got put on
teabomb teabomb, wheres the teabomb uh, huh
And I've seen the deathpacks loaded on.

Now I look in my death box, and let out a sigh
Once again the sloppos haven'€™t even f ucking tried
Some soggy manky butties and a stale pork pie
And some out of date aldi crisps.

teabomb teabomb, wheres the teabomb uh, huh
I’ve tried to put some sugar in with a fork that's got one prong
teabomb teabomb, wheres the teabomb uh, huh
And put the f ucking lid back on (momma)
It's probably not common knowledge, but snake-hipped, bespectacled, gangly, flappy-haired, corduroy-jacket wearing, borderline intellectual and all round fop, Jarvis Cocker had a short army career, prior to forming, sprawling Yorkshire combo Pulp.
Sig Cocker spent three, largely uneventful years in the colours, highlighted by a short tour to Slipper City in NI. Hoping for a cushy number, Jarvis was to be disappointed, largely due to the attention of Cpl Shuggy 'Nae Nose' Mactavish. Mactavish always wanted to be accepted by the lads but had a funny way of showing it. His attempts to befriend them usually resulted in serious injury on their part.
After another bout of misdirected bonhomie, Jarvis retired to his basha crying. With the Hitman and Her finished, there was nothing on the box, so he vented his emotions in the medium of the song lyric. The prose he knocked out, went on with minor amendments to become one of the greatest UK hits of the century.

Common People

He came from Leeds he had a thirst for bitter,
He was in the NAAFI on the shitter,
that's where I,
caught his eye.
He told me that he'd smack my head in,
I said "OK, i'll change your bedding"
He said "Fine."
and in thirty seconds time he said,

"I want to fill in all my muckers,
I want to tw-at whoever I feel like,
I want to leather lower rankers,
I want to leather lower rankers,
like you."

Well what else could I do -
I said "I'll see what I can do."
I took him to the bop in Lisburn,
I don't know why but I had to start it somewhere,
so it started there.
I said "Mick, that blokes a chunky",
he just laughed and said,
"Lets lamp a monkey"
I said "yeah?"
Well I can't see any coppers coming in here.

Are you sure you want to ruck with all your muckers
you want to stamp on whatever you see fit,
you want to pagger poor old siggies,
you want to pagger poor old siggies,
like me."
But he didn't understand,
he just smiled and broke my hand.

Do your job and shut your gob,
Buy a mag and milk your knob.
Do a prowler and front gate,
pi-ss all over your best mate.
But still you'll never be a tom,
Unless you always stink of vom,
All you full screws grip my sh-it,
If you call the mess they would come and get you.

You'll never get liked by the siggies,
you'll never get invited to their dos,
you'll always be one pub behind them,
In the bogs whilst they slide out of view,
to drink with all the lads, whilst you go home to pump your nads.

Does anyone else have experience of popular songs and songmakers having previous lives??


Book Reviewer
I once bumped into Fab Morvan out of Millie Vanillie in a multi story car park in Droitwich in Worcestershire back in the day. He told me he served as a Pilot and Observer in Air Ops Support before finding fame as a Pop Muppet.

It was a while ago, but if I remember it went like this...

"So what are you doing back?"
"Well, I set back and thought about
the days we used to do.
It really mean a lot to me, you mean a lot to me."
"I really mean that much to you?"
"Girl, you know it's true.
Fuck me. Its freezing up here.
Any chance I can borrow that coat?
Why has somebody thrown a push bike
Across the exit to the car park?
Oh shit"


Fcuk me, I thought this was going to be about the Stan Ridgeway "classic", CAMOFLAGE!! oh oh-o camoflage!!
Amazing! I was seriously thinking about starting a like minded thread some time ago but thought no one would belive it. Well my faith in human kind has been restored.

I believe a long time ago now, Leapy Lea was a nurse in the Army Dental Corps from '62 to '65 and whilst leaving a patient with a 30 minute tooth bleach penned a little ditty about some dental work that was horribly twisted into something about some Little Arrows or something, years later.

Theres a boy a little boy shootin man cheese out the blue
And he's aiming it at someone but the question is at who
Is it me or is it you, it's hard to swallow piles of it
But you'll know it when it hits you cos you'll gag a little bit

Here it comes pouring down out the blue
Little globules for me and for you
It's salty smegma again!
It's salty smegma again!

Little 'tozas in your clothing littles 'tozas in your hair, When you're a poo bay sailor, you'll find them everywhere,
Liddle 'tozas that will hit you once and hit you once again, liddle 'tozas that will splash your grinner, every now and then.

Whooah Whoah Whoaah the staaaaaains.

Some folks a-run and others hide but there 'aint nothing they can do
and some folks put on Prada but the 'tozas go straight through
So you see there's no escape, so why not swallow and admit
that you love those little 'tozas when they make you gag a bit

or something like that
I was flicking back through the pages and reading this thread when I recalled spending some time in the 4 ADTR cells. In the next cell was Dvr Frederick 'moustache' Mercury, nicked for lobbing strawberry thick shake over the COs staff car. Because he could play a tune the Gd Comd used to let him entertain the RP shift. It was during this time of incarcaration he put together a song about Bohemian colposcopies or something, I heard him putting the chorus together.

I see the scary silouetto of the badge man
scaramoush scaramoush.... your gonna do the pan bash
pull out your intestines wearing underpants and messtins
Galileo, galilieo
galileo, galilieo
Galileo fcuk I'm on the pan bash
I'm just the new boy, everybody dicked me
He's just a new boy, so we're gonna rape his family
Lets sh1t in his locker while he's down on show parade
Easy come easy go, will you let me go
Like fcuk you cnut, You're eating yellow snow
Have a do on my sis, will you let me go
No No No No No No No No
The RQ tech has an Arty shell put aside for you, for you, for you
Ahh the Masturbators Rapsody Thanks MDN I have been looking for the original chorus for quite some time!

I believe this was written by young Dvr Mercury as a musical tribute to his RSM who was having trouble stopping the troops from committing acts of self polution. 4 ADTR was absoloutley full of habitual tossers and an endemic regime of wanking existed from the top down. The unabridged version as follows:

Is that razzer or is this just fantasy?
I've been caught having hand love instead of going to PT
He's closing his eyes
Turned his face to the skies and screams.
I'm just a poor boy, I need no sympathy
I've just come, will he know? 252, here we go
Anyway my cock knows, that wanking really matters to me.

Razzer, you're a nasty man
you found me in my bed with a wank sock on my head
Razzer, my lifes just begun but now i've gone and wanked it all away
Razzer, Ooooooo, Didn't want to make you shout, but I'll do it just the same again tomorrow
So carry on carry on because wanking is for winners

Too late little Razzer, Cos i've just come
It sent shivers down my spine, it makes me spunk up every time
Good bye everybody I've got to go
Got 14 days in pokey for my crime
Razzer, oooo I don't wanna cry, but sometimes wish I'd never had a wank at all.

I see the scary silouetto of the badge man
scaramoush scaramoush.... your gonna do the pan bash
pull out your intestines wearing underpants and messtins
Galileo, galilieo
galileo, galilieo
Galileo fcuk I'm on the pan bash
I'm just the new boy, everybody dicked me
He's just a new boy, so we're gonna rape his family
Lets sh1t in his locker while he's down on show parade
Easy come easy go, will you let me go
Like fcuk you cnut, You're eating yellow snow
Have a do on my sis, will you let me go
No No No No No No No No
The RQ tech has an Arty shell put aside for you, for you, for you


Moderator comment:

@DavidCameron made the point recently that a lot of the funnier stuff on this site isn't on the main boards, and suggested that we make an attempt to breathe life back into the NAAFI.

This isn't the first time this has happened - this thread originated in just such an attempt in 2009.

Let's see if there are any budding lyricists out there who can add to this one. Let's also see if we can leave grammar Nazism, petty spats, vendettas and the general crap which passes for "NAAFI humour" out of it.

Over to the site members . . .
To the tune of Lili Marlene

Driving down the Autobahn at 90 miles an hour
We are the RCT boys
We are fcuking shower.

Can't change up and can't change down
The gearbox is in the wrong way round
We are the RCT boys
We are a fcuking shower.

BUT this is the highlight

Forces Songs | Page 2 | Army Rumour Service

But there are some stormers in there.:)


A slight update on Rod Stewarts 1976 song used in the Ark Royal t.v. series

Dedicated to todays Navy Airmen

I’m not sailing, I’m not sailing,
I’m home again Where’s the sea.
I’m not sailing, stormy waters,
to be near you, to be free.

I’m not flying, I’m not flying,
like a bird 'cross the sky.
I’m not flying, passing high clouds,
to be with you, to be free.

You can see me, you can hear me
I’m home for tea, I’m not far away,
I am dying, forever trying,
to fly from a carrier, maybe one day.

I used to fly, One man, one fan
A carbon fibre, death provider,
I am dying, forever trying,
to fly from a carrier, in my Harrier

We aren’t sailing, we aren’t sailing,
I’m home again 'nowhere near the sea.
I’m not sailing stormy waters,
I’m near you, oh to be free.

Oh Lord, Where’s my flat top gone
Oh Lord, I want to fly sideways,
Oh Lord.