Cold Shower Required

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by error_unknown, Mar 16, 2005.

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  1. I've reached that stage in my life, at the age of 41, where I'm happily married, have three kids, a dog, two houses, all my own teeth and some of my own hair. The lovely Mrs chickenpunk is a top babe who knew what she was getting involved with before she married me and thus doesn't intrude too much on my well established habits. Etc etc etc.

    However... I just went down to my kitchen to check on some cooking I was doing, to find our gorgeous 19 year old Czech au pair talking to an equally gorgeous 20 year old Anglo-Aussie au pair - with enormous norks - about this and that. I joined in the conversation and to my disgust, found myself sliding into chat up mode. It's no secret that I am no longer the lean, mean, highly trained killer I once was and the reality is that, unless I infiltrate a home for the blind and mentally handicapped, I have no chance of pulling. Unfortunately, my tongue is still hanging out and I am unable to speak properly: what should I do?
  2. Offer cash, it lacks subtlety but is 100% effective.
  3. maninblack

    maninblack LE Book Reviewer

    Ignore the creep of reality and continue to be gorgeous in your own works for me every time.
  4. that's obvious CP , threaten the czech bird with a trip staight back to eastern Europe , unless she gets her mate to agree to suck your nob after you've pulled it out of her corduroy polo ..... and if she breathes a word to anyone , you'll use your extensive contacts within the murky world of intelligence to make her and her family "disappear"

    even if you dont actually do it , you can think it every single time you look at her :D
  5. Clearly, Mrs CP has been neglecting to put the bromide in your tea, so in the unlikely event that you do manage to score, it will be her fault.
    Why not increase your chances by plying both of them with strong drink, and hinting at the possibility of a pay rise.
  6. OldSnowy

    OldSnowy LE Moderator Book Reviewer

    Well, it's hard to get a true appreciation of this without evidence. Photographic evidence, and lots of it....

    I suggest starting by concealing a camera in the bathroom, to make sure they aren't stealing the soap, or anything. A webCam would be better - in fact, you ould make a small profit from this 8)
  7. Good thinking... I'm calling a mate in Special Branch now: it's sexual gymnastics or Belmarsh Prison...
  8. I would need to come round and check on them myself before giving any advice.

    PM me with address :lol:
  9. You should covertly get a couple of snaps of said chicks and post them in gallery so we can all share your dilemma.

    Advice will follow I'm sure.
  10. Could I offer to divert Mrs C_P ?. Only if it helps, mind.
  11. That'll go down well.

    Ignore me. I'm just going to take a couple of pictures of you two for this, er, website. No biggy. Just carry on what you were doing.
  12. Engineer a situation where Mrs CP is out at the bingo and they are both there. Offer them a glass of wine, which you have previously laced liberally with date rape drugs.

    Do what the hell you want to get it out of your system, then phone the police claiming they are the ring leaders in a prostitute smuggling ring. The'll be deported, nothing more will be said, and you can put this whole sordid incident behind you.

    Glad to help.


    p.s following this advice may lead to several life sentences.
  13. I would wait until she is out, go to her room, route through the dirty washing basket and put her thong on yer head and knock one out onto her bedding...

    If you still struggle to cope tw@t her about the back of her head with a floorboard and nail her while she sleeps.
  14. I presume the camera would be placed inobtrusively.....such as the front rim of the toilet porcelain perhaps??

    Grrrr dirty beast....anyway....Chickenpunk....hire 'em both, and take turns on which one takes the kiddies to school, and which one stay at home Washing, Ironing, Fucking, Etc. Mrs CP will be over the moon with your decision. It will mean that she can carry on shagging her Italian waiter(s) without you even getting close to smelling her indiscretions....or indeed tasting them.

    Meanwhile....must go and take over the kids from "Nanny"'s nearly home time......
  15. With your rep I imagine you would favour the "lacking subtlety approach" and find excuses to wander round dressed/in a state of casual undress like the 13th Duke of Wymborne with your wrinkled old retainer visible and a letcherous grin on your face. Slip naked pics of yourself under her door beating one off while wearing your S10 respirator harness and pony plug etc and she should get the message

    The trouble is that if your prehistoric mutt is in the vicinity it might get confused and make a lunge for the last turkey in the shop leaving you with a bleeding stump to explain to Mrs CP :lol: