Cold Callers Grip My Shite

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by The_Snail, Jul 23, 2008.

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  1. Alright, it wasn't a cold caller, it was BT asking why I haven't made any calls off my number for ages and am still paying rental fees et al. Blah blah.

    Anyhoo the conversation went a tad like this:

    BT Fella: Evening Mrs Slug, its Kavan from BT, how are you this evening?
    (Schoolboy mistake)

    Slug: I'm fucking shattered, how about you? (bearing in mind he spoke a bit norn iron)

    BTF: I'm OK, I'm OK.

    Slug: What are you phoning me for?

    BTF: To see why you are paying for a BT rental line and not making any calls, you see Mrs Slug..

    Slug: Hang on, I switched to Supanet and kept the BT line because they gave me a free modem and unlimited internet access and I needed the BT line to get all that. Can you offer me any better?

    BTF: Errrrm no. Is there anything else I can help you with?

    Slug: Can you sort my garden out? It's in rag.

    BTF: Silence

    Slug: So, do you want to know why I have had such a wank day then?

    BTF: (Sniggering in a sort of "Oh My Fucking God what have I let myself in for nervous type of way). Go on then.

    Slug: Well - I have been busy as fuck for the last 2 weeks wiping peoples arrses, I have been on more meetings for meetings than I needed to be, I was up at half 5 to pack my fucking car up to drive home today (Is this call being recorded)?

    BTF: Yes Mrs Slug.

    Slug: Ace - can I swear?

    BTF: Do what you want.

    Slug: Ta. I've been pissed about at work, I've got a wank job, I've had to almost take my car up to 11 this afternoon to get through the fuckers on the A1M who insist on changing CDs in the fast lane while I am trying to inspect the contents of their boot and may or may not have been flashing my lights at them, the obligatory duty copper pulled out (shock horror) at the services just before Leeming so I had to slow down to at least 10.5*, my Sugababes CD isn't working in the car, and my dog preferred his dinner to me. Oh, and the house is minging because I haven't been here for ever. How's your day been Caveman?

    BTF: Shite, I had some woman whinging on about her stepdad dying, some other woman crying about her husband.

    Slug: Boo hoo.

    Caveman actually laughed at this point and I felt sorry for him so we had a good craic and he told me that a Cpl - a mere Cpl shouted at him - the horror the horror. I cheered the fucker up anyhoo. He will stag on til half eight (2030hrs for us), but he will go to sleep with a happy in his tummy. Dale can be nice when she wants.
  2. We usually get some Aussie c*nt. He gets the same response everytime. F*ck off....bbrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
  3. msr

    msr LE

    I prefer "Just one min" then put the handset on the desk.
  4. My mate managed to get his own back when Sky cold called him. He got them to go through all the various packages and options, selected what he wanted, had them on the phone for about 20 minutes. When it came to the end he asked "so for this Sky stuff, do I actually need to own TV?" (he really does not own one). The Sky bloke put the phone down rather quickly :D
  5. spike7451

    spike7451 RIP

    Would'nt have something to do with BT having a mahoosive call center in Belfast would it? :roll:
    Fu*k,whenever I call BT I spend ages on the phone to get put thru to some eejit in England who,when I give eejit my phone number I get "Sorry Sir,I'm going to have to transfer you to our Norn Iron branch as we cant help you from here"....So cue another doubly long wait on hold! :evil:
    SO why the f*ck is'nt the an option "If you live in Norn Iron press 1"
  6. Sixty

    Sixty LE Moderator Book Reviewer
    1. ARRSE Cyclists and Triathletes

    They're assuming that you can't work it with the webbed fingers.
  7. I'm going to kiss you all over. You dirty scutter.
  8. spike7451

    spike7451 RIP

    Thank f*ck I'm a Brummie then... :p
  9. A quick "still21 speshul" tip. If any moron defiles your doorstep asking if you wish to change gas and / or electricity suppliers, state keenly yes you do, as you are clearing a couple of thousand poundsworth of debt to your current supplier. They lose interest very quickly.
  10. Get at least three calls a day.. got call display so can spot the useless c..ts easily, though some of them are blocking their ID just to p!ss me off..

    I've come up with a simple response..
    ME: ****- this call is monitored.. please state your password and the code for the day..
    THEM: Uh.. is Mr. Rocketeer home?
    ME: Invalid response... please state your password and the code for the day...
    THEM: Uh..
    ME: Invalid response..
    THEM: " CLICK"
  11. spike7451

    spike7451 RIP

    I had Sky come around my door a while back.
    "Hello,Have you thought about getting Sky TV,phone & BBand........"says Sky moron.
    " I take it you did'nt see the dish on the front of my house?" says I.
    "So you have Sky TV then.What about Broadband & phone?We can give you it free or ..."says moron.(Sky's 'on-net service)
    " Well,I'm in a BT contract & our exchange is'nt enabled for Sky BBand" Says I.
    " Are you sure?" says the moron.
    " Yup," says I." I work for Sky!Bye"
    Leaving moron red faced & stupid looking on my porch.
  12. If they knock on my door, I generally let the dog bark for a bit, then bring my machete out and shout "WHAT" then sing "Jesus wants me for a sunbeam" and wield it around like I am chopping my garden down.

    Oy, it's the way ahead.
  13. That's absolute bollocks actually.

    People are scared to knock on my door in case I am in me scanties.
  14. I just registered wih these guys - nobody calls me anymore.

    Well one did, I asked for the name of the company,then askd for the supervisor. I then asked whether he knew about TPS and the fact that my number was registered and they would get a hefty fine for cold calling me. Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
  15. I'm scared to leave my own house in case you are in your scanties. I live several counties away.