Cnuts have defiled my Landy - ideas?

#1
My Landy ('Sir Winston') had his windscreen wipers ripped off the other day. In the top of my drive. It wasn't even parked by the missus' house (student place in an estate which would make Al-Amarah look like Gerrards Cross.)

What's the fuss, I hear you ask. Well, because of the nature of British engineering, it will cost me two hundred quid to fix - the cnuts have broken both wiper gearboxes. Not only that, but I have to pull out the whole dash to refit them - and any of you who know landies knows what a fun job that is.

My question is this - The rozzers can't do anything. Anyone got any ideas as to how to find these scum? And how to stop it happening again.

I thought of leaving his chassis plugged into the house mains overnight - but rejected that for three reasons. Aluminium won't conduct well enough to hurt them as much as I want to, and I don't want to fry the radios or set the diesel tank alight...
 
#3
Yep - go into a not-so-local neighbourhood and pay the local chavs a few pounds each to 'patrol' the area, dising out kickings to anyone who happens to vehture near your property at night. Works a treat, & as an added bonus, is a mormon deterrent also.
 
#5
Nope I got Landy but thought he was talking about his LandLady
 
#6
Set up a sub-surface OP nearby and lay in wait with a pickaxe handle or if you don't like shitting in a bag and generaly being uncomfortable buy a cctv camera with motion detector ( e.g. http://www.maplin.co.uk/Module.aspx?ModuleNo=30499&criteria=Home CCTV&doy=27m10 ) and when you spot the chav scum on your TV run from your house with previously mentioned pickaxe and punish the cnuts. Alternatively if you are looking for suspects try looking at the previous 4x4 bashing thread on arrse, maybe it was an eco warrior trying to save the planet.
 
#9
Surround Landy with Punji pits.

Wait for agonised squealing.

Illuminate scrotes with NightSun so night vision fecked.

Release the hounds.

See how many manage to rip their impaled feet off the stakes and hobble off the premises before Fido and pals rip their knackers off.

Make sure the undergrowth is well seeded with deadfalls, tripwires, alarm mines allegedly modified to fire illum flares at groin level etc for added jollity if subject tries an E&E.

Bury the evidence (after it has been digested by your canine pals).
 
#11
Har har har. Yeah - a ticket. Rozzers would be quite happy to punish me, though they couldn't even spare a fcuking COPPER to speak to me - just some effing 'support staff' at the front desk, and an endless list of hotline numbers.
 
#12
Should you eventually catch the little fokers chop their arms off below the elbow and impale the severed hands on the wiper arms (complete with a squeegie superglued into each clenched fist) to serve as a warning not only to other chavs but to the hairy soap dodgers who attack your windscreen at every set of traffic lights. cnuts This should also be an improvement over the std landy wipers...consider it an upgrade
 
#13
By the way I was serious about the CCTV option, would give you a range of options.
Approach the police and present footage (preferably with name of scumbag) if they fail to provide a satisfactory solution look at other options. If it is kids then inform their parents and tell them the cost of the damage, depending on the parents they may beat them, offer to pay or if you are really lucky both (or if they are chav scum neither).

Alternatively I'm sure further comments posted will provide ideas as to suitable punishments. Be aware though that as a law abiding citizen you will be fcuked over for stepping off the straight and narrow but if you have a heroin addiction/8 kids living in your council flat etc etc then you can blame anything and everything except yourself and walk away from the situation better off.
 
#14
Don't I know it _ Jack. At the moment my best solution is a trembler in a box under the hood connected to a truck's airhorn - if nothing else I can watch in satisfaction as they run away trying to stop their tiny minds from dribbling out of their acoustically-raped lugholes.
 
#15
sarnian said:
Don't I know it _ Jack. At the moment my best solution is a trembler in a box under the hood connected to a truck's airhorn - if nothing else I can watch in satisfaction as they run away trying to stop their tiny minds from dribbling out of their acoustically-raped lugholes.
IT'S NOT A FCUKING "HOOD", IT'S A "BONNET"!!!! :evil: :evil:

Sorry just don't like people adopting spam language (especilally when refering to a Landrover).
 
#17
sarnian said:
We all are especilally(sic) succeptible to mistakes...
I wasn't questioning your typos just the Americanism. However if it was a typo I do apologise, your efforts to type in boxing gloves are commendable.

Incidently unless you were being ironic I believe it's actually "susceptible" :wink:
 
#18
Touche... Toufuckingche!!

Alright - you win. A box under the bonnet.
 
#19
sarnian said:
Har har har. Yeah - a ticket. Rozzers would be quite happy to punish me, though they couldn't even spare a fcuking COPPER to speak to me - just some effing 'support staff' at the front desk, and an endless list of hotline numbers.

Prioritise?

1) Crime in progress - robbery at Bank X

2) Non-emergency call: someone's had their window scrapers nicked


In all honesty - which of the two is more important?


Don't blame the police - blame the sh!tty government for buying "cheap policing" PCSOs rather than full-fledgers :nod: Believe me - I'd be p*ssed if someone did that to my Landy, but you have to put things in perspective...


In other words: Britain is a joke. Believe me - I know. I failed the police assessment centre by 2% because I failed to realise that the bloke in one test was gay :evil:

Don't get me started on political Correctness... I'll get banned for spamming...
 
#20
You are not allowed to wire the wipers to anything electric with the express purpose of causing harm, however, there is nothing stopping you fitting them badly enough to allow them to make contact with an electrical source if they are pulled out. Just make the initial contact at the base of the assembly, with the second part of the circuit under the dash. The circuit will never be made unless the wipers are pulled upwards, and they will still work normally (you might need to be careful about insulation for general use).

Of course, if you are willing to sacrifice your Landy, then you needn't stop at a mild electric shock......
 

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