Club 18 - act a cnut

#1
I'm too old to attend a club 18-30 holiday now but Shortfuse just reminded me of one I went on in Salou many moons ago.

It was a fortnight, but after a week two of us were sent home and banned from the resort for, in thier words being 'The vilest peopel ever to visit the resort' Jesus, they couldn't have bigged us up anymore, we were handslapping and hi fiving all the way to the airport (after they undid the handcuffs)

We'd been there a few days and the holiday before us was checking out, we'd met up with a couple of trouts and they had to check out of thier rooms. They asked if they could leave thier suitcases in out rooms until thier transport took them to the airport, reluctantly we agreed.

I stumbled back to the room mid morning as I was touching cloth, sat on the pot I saw thier suitcases...... the devil on my shoulder gave me some jip and before I knew it I was hiding my fisrt, second and third wipe half way through her suitcase.

Giggling I returned to the pool to tell my pal what I'd done.... he said which one? I replied, the chavvy chequed case, coolly he looked at me and said 'Good Drills, there is a curry sh1t in the other'

We said our farewells, and exchanged false numbers.

I still giggle today at the mental image of them opening thier cases on return to blighty.....

Any other arrsers got any gopping holiday tales to share?
 
#2
I remember been in Spain, Benidorm i think, Some slapper was giving a mate some jip about some crap or other. As she nipped of for a slash he had great pleasure in rubbing his sweaty dick on the tips of her 20 Lambert and Bulter!
 
#3
Imagine them getting stopped at customs... Pack this bag yourself did you madam? left it unattended at all?
 
#4
I strive to one day grace these virtual pages with a story as glorious as yours!

Until that day I'll just spend the rest of my time telling everyone about my brother getting deported from Portugal on a family holiday (I still glow with pride every time I think about it!)

Basically, he went to Portugal with the family - to spend a couple of weeks bonding with the folks, a nice relaxed holiday away from the influences of his mates... Well, that was until they decided to let him invite his best mate! THey even managed to do pretty well - going 9 days without incident and it all started to look rather promising until day 10.

My brother and his friend went to a local outdoor club - consumed a rather large amount of cheap beer, got chatting to some girls, took them round the back and gave them one. Problem is - they were portugese, had portugese boyfriends at the club and they were probably the only 2 British guys there. The boyfriends found out that these two pissed up English fcukers had deflowered their precious sweethearts so gathered a mob and chased my brother and his mate halfway across town.

After about 10minutes of running and hiding - there were only a few left so they decided to turn and face them, grabbed some bricks and found 3 of the mob who got separated - and they proceeed to pan their faces in. My brother got bottled, his mate got knocked out cold and then the 3 men legged it - leaving them to bleed and basically die in a back alley. They managed to stagger to their feet and went to a local police station only to discover that the local police can't speak a word of english and that they didn't take too kindly to my brother spitting blood and teeth all over their nice new carpet.

Not only did my brother's mate have about 15 stitches in his head but they were both on the next plane home - after being treated medically and then frog marched through a family resort to greet my parents.

We're all waiting with glee for his company to send him on a business trip to Portugal.... "errr... I can't go boss!" Fantastico!
 
#5
You know the way the Krauts put their towels on the sunbeds? A mate took some itching powder with him & liberally sprinkled it on the towels before they got to the pool! Itching & scratching all around!!
 
#6
Fcuk me that was naughty!

Did he pre plan it and have 'itching powder' on his shopping list prior to flying to Magaluf
 
#7
spike7451 said:
You know the way the Krauts put their towels on the sunbeds? A mate took some itching powder with him & liberally sprinkled it on the towels before they got to the pool! Itching & scratching all around!!
A very interesting tale
 

Ventress

LE
Moderator
#8
Did Llorett del Mar back in the 18th century and my mate ended up having relations with a German bird from Osnabrucke, pity we paid £200 to get away from them!
 
#9
On holiday in paris, Complaint of cockcroaches in our room (the room was heaving with them) went on deaf ears, they refused to move us, so we spent several days collecting them with well placed homemade collecting boxes baited with food.


On the day we were leaving we took the cockroaches down to the buffet breakfast bar (cerals, girly french bready breakfast rolls etc) and let them lose amongst the food, sat back at 'our' table and watched the fun start :)



J
 
#10
minister_doh_nut said:
Fcuk me that was naughty!

Did he pre plan it and have 'itching powder' on his shopping list prior to flying to Magaluf
I gather he took it just in case.Was'nt there but it was a tale he told in the NAAFI when he got back.
 
#11
Why were you kicked out MDN? Was it because of the curry and wipes or is there another story? :D
 
#12
chocolate_frog said:
Why were you kicked out MDN? Was it because of the curry and wipes or is there another story? :D
Not telling :oops:
 
#13
Go on...

Plllleeeeaaasssseeeee.

You can't leave us dangling like that.
 
#16
A Mate and I were in some shitty third world nation, expanding our minds and being very bohemian.
(walking from internet cafe to internet cafe and trying to find an australian tht didnt bore us with tales of how this is "like, this one time in OZ"

When we decided that culture was shit and so we might as well stay in our hostel and get pissed. Got obliterated on cheap litre bottles of Devils piss. Then went to the Barbeque aranged by the hostel, we were meant to pay for this as it was put on once a week, but instead we jsut knicked someone lese palce and hurled abuse at the two french men that turned up late. Being sat by the barbeque we managed to pilfer about four times our ration much to hte annoyance of two canadian girls who were worried that because us two ate to much there was going to be a famine in the sudan or something!

Feeling a bit the worse for wear we decided to work out what to do with the rest of the evenign and we decided to go whoring. thinking that this was the best idea ever My friend clinked his glass called silence and stood on the table swaying...

"Ladies and gnetlemen and gentlemen and gentlmen, it has come to the attention of Mr pillager and myself Mr Plunder, that all the women in this hostel are minging and frigid, apart from that one (points to canadian girl at my side) But she looks like she haas got the clap so we have decided to go whoring in town, if anyone wants to come with us and split the cost of a cab we will be leaving in.................."

At this point he realiss we hav ent booked a cab and thta no one is joining the queue for the red light district tour, as he had been hoping.

Getting off the table and sitting down again the group go back to there crap small talk about chandra beads and jsut where it is that they most connected with the great OHHHM':m and whether Shnagri La was a real or ficticious place. Me and My mate suitable ostracized for being wankers were stuck on the end of this table trying to find a way back into conversation. At which point i noticed that the flee ridden Canadian is looking at me. Thinking i am in there, (because she has given me those looks that say "fuck off and Die, and take your mate with you") I lean in for the kill.

She leans in, I lean in. she lears at me from behind some horrible greaasy dread locks "desperate to show my wit, my upstanding nature, my disapproval of my mates earlier outburst and to start some flirtatious banter of a sexual nature, with a liberal sprinkling of compliments, I spout matter of factly:

"I dont really think you clean yourself out with a spoon, infact your much better looking than your moose of a mate"

Some self styled leader of the free world Australian with surf shorts and a dodgy beard at this point stands up to ask me to leave,THE WANKER, IT was clearly jealousy cos I was in there and he wasnt, My mate at this point has fallen asleep on a rack of ribs and cant be roused to come to my defence or to divert attention from what I realise might be called a fiasco.

I did the decent thing and stood up to leave. at which point I realised that huge amounts of beer and embarassment can lead to an urge to urinate, I consequently swamped as I walked out of the terrace toward my room. I then passed out and swamped till dawn.

The next morning we paid and left, about 15 minutes down the road my mate realised hed left his passport under his pillow in his money belt (supposedly he was hungover and forgot) Running back to the hospital he is refused entry to the premises by the woman on the door who throws out his passport. along with two used condoms that were stuck to the mattress!

(The bastard had woken up out of his plate of food, thought id left without him, and gone to the brothel on his own, being in a dodgy south american city he had sensibly doubled up on johnnies, having done his business he paid and left came back and passed out, only removing his crusted latex carapace in the safety of his own bed)

We got to another town a few weeks later and heard this story relayed to us by two outraged New Zealand girls who couldnt believe the disrespect of some people.
Nailed them too :D

*******

It might be a boring story but I enjoyed writing it and im fuckingbored doing data entry and this is my tea break.
 
#18
I went with a group of mates for weekend of debauchery in Prague. In the event it was pretty much a non-event until my mate "Robbie" on account of his striking resemblence to Mr Coltrane, decided to sample Absinthe. He came back to the hotel bearing truckloads and ignored our advice that it was supposed to be taken in moderation, proceeded to neck it back as if it were going out of fashion. All was well, until after an hour he turned into the Tazmanian Devil. He totally trashed the room, upending all the furniture and bellowing like a rampant bull-elephant that he was going down to the restaurant to "rape those bitches". This war cry contiued for about two hours, during which it took four of us to restrain him- not easy if you can imagine a 6ft plus , 20 stone, naked beserker with erection, fighting like Micky Skinner.
He eventually passed out and we locked him in the bathroom for his own safety and went off on the p!ss.
We returned to the hotel a few hours later to find pandemonium. "Robbie" had escaped and had wreaked havoc across the hotel, before being detained in the pool.
As the manager read the long list of depraved acts, he finished with the coup de grace- "...and he used the pool as a toilet"

At this I spluttered an amused " Well everyone pisses in the pool", to be told " Yes, but no-one sh@ts off the diving board "
 
#19
Private_Pike wrote:
He totally trashed the room, upending all the furniture and bellowing like a rampant bull-elephant that he was going down to the restaurant to "rape those bitches". This war cry contiued for about two hours, during which it took four of us to restrain him- not easy if you can imagine a 6ft plus , 20 stone, naked beserker with erection, fighting like Micky Skinner.
We returned to the hotel a few hours later to find pandemonium. "Robbie" had escaped and had wreaked havoc across the hotel, before being detained in the pool.
As the manager read the long list of depraved acts, he finished with the coup de grace- "...and he used the pool as a toilet"
no-one sh@ts off the diving board
I haven't laughed so much in all my life!!!!!!

He eventually passed out and we locked him in the bathroom for his own safety and went off on the p!ss.
Nothing like duty of care is there?
 
#20
Private_Pike said:
As the manager read the long list of depraved acts, he finished with the coup de grace- "...and he used the pool as a toilet"

At this I spluttered an amused " Well everyone pisses in the pool", to be told " Yes, but no-one sh@ts off the diving board "

Just sprayed my drink over the screen. Priceless.
 
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