Close Shaves..

#1
Went to visit a mate in hospital today, he was ripping out a bathroom last week in a pair of trainers and stood on a nail, right through to the bone at the ball end of his foot. Soon as he got out of A and E he went straight home and didnt cash in his prescription. In short he ended up in ITU with septecimia, very close call, cunt looks like death warmed up and is completely fucked for the short term.

Get's you thinking though; here one minute and all that bollocks..

I got offered a lift once to Salisbury from Plymouth at Christmas leave, and I was then going to carry on up North on the train so it would have saved me a touch on the trains, it was a civvy I knew who worked at Derriford Hospital, was just getting squared away to meet him when I got a text from a bird to go to a house party, I 'ummed and aahed' for a bit then binned off my lift as she was essentially the first girl who sucked me off to completion and let me paint her face with it, he creamed in on a country road in a Golf GTI that he drove like a lunatic, the car was concertinered and he was decapitated, I ALWAYS nod off on long journeys so I wouldnt have been any the wiser.

Worse still when I went for a wander round the U.S. I met a couple of Essex boys and spent a week on the lash with them, it was my early 20's and you had to carry your passport to get served ale, went out one night without it in Savannah, Georgia and got turned away, to a cacophany of piss taking from the pair of quims I jumped in a taxi back to my room then got him to drop me off near a cash point. Got some cash and started to get my bearings when 3 black lads fell into step behind me, dark street, no one about and it was clear from the off they were weighing me up, no contest really I'd have been mullerred, started picking up the pace and considered slinging my wallet at them and bolting, they were whispering about 20 yards behind me and I heard one say 'do it', to say my arse went would be an understatement, 2 were big lads, all in their late teens, was 5 seconds off breaking into a sprint when I turned a corner and there was a big fuck off queue outside a cinema, I slotted straight in at the back and Curly, Larry and Mo flashed me toothy, shit eating grins and strolled on past me, the one in the middle, calm as fuck folded up a knife and stuck it back in his pockets.

Naturally I told the perma-tanned Essex twins I saw the cunts off with swear words and a gruff Yorkshire accent.

No war stories, what's your closest shave?
 
#6
Merkur Futur razor with Wilkinson Sword double edged razors coupled with a Merkur brush and posh soap.

It's a very close shave and the set looks cool in the bathroom.
 
#7
fusion.jpeg

Seriously though probably a few years ago trying to stop a shoplifter, not knowing he had a mate nearby. As I struggled with him his mate went to stab me in the back and a passerby saw him coming at me and shout "knife behind you" and I turned just as the cunt lunged. The knife missed me, but the cunt dropped me like a sack of shit with a head butt. Broken cheekbone and they both fucked off while I was down. Left the bag of perfumes too. They could have seriously messed me up, so lucky escape.
I never found out who shouted the warning either and I owe him a serious drink.
Also had a needle stick injury a while back from a guy with sharps in his jacket and had to have the Hep and HIV Post-exposure Prophylaxis which was nerve racking until I eventually got the all clear.
 
#10
Went shopping in Nanyuki, mate taking the piss big time about the locals not having money etc next we know there are spears being thrust at us, I fucking shat myself (metaphorically not literally) I did the calm down calm down, gave them £3 for a pair of pirelli flip flops.

My mate was TROUBLE though, with a capital fucking idiot. He smashed bottles in the stream at every effing opportunity, so he could throw the younsters shillings???

Sorry,for civvys etc. the local youngsters would urge squaddies to throw shillings in the stream and they would dive in for them.

When we were within 50 yards of the bridge he would start singing

YOU GIVE ME SHILLING, YOU GIVE ME SHILLING.

He could start a fight in an empty room, god bless im.
 
#11
Out on the bike in 1985 going up to the CB inn. Crossed over a cattle grid and the back wheel went out I managed to keep the bike upright some how. Pulled into the car park of the CB took my lid off and looked down at the bike. There was a rub on the clutch handle and grass in the gear change. I got off the bike and looked at mypillion and they had dust off the wall down their left arm. They looked down and puked on the spot, probably been better if theyd taken their lid off first.
 
#12
Got one, thanks.

You secretly wanted those black lads to catch you, didnt you? It wasnt really a knife, but another big weapon he was putting away wasnt it
Fuck me your hilarious, where did you hone your razor sharp wit? Was it between asking for the content of PH testing kits or getting antenna specs? You sound like a right laugh on the piss.
 
#13
Went shopping in Nanyuki, mate taking the piss big time about the locals not having money etc next we know there are spears being thrust at us, I fucking shat myself (metaphorically not literally) I did the calm down calm down, gave them £3 for a pair of pirelli flip flops.

My mate was TROUBLE though, with a capital fucking idiot. He smashed bottles in the stream at every effing opportunity, so he could throw the younsters shillings???

Sorry,for civvys etc. the local youngsters would urge squaddies to throw shillings in the stream and they would dive in for them.

When we were within 50 yards of the bridge he would start singing

YOU GIVE ME SHILLING, YOU GIVE ME SHILLING.

He could start a fight in an empty room, god bless im.
I went into Nanyuki after hours to fish a nutter out of one of the shebeen type bars, he'd fucked off from the Riverside after a row and was playing dominoes with some locals and couldn't speak he was that rubbered, he went on to do a Leslie Grantham on a Manchester cabby after he got out.
 
#15
Minden.
Mrs Arters worked for HQ SKC, walking, me staggering, home after their Xmas
Do, heading off round the back of the Fuzzy Queers Bks, 3 Budgies cross the
road intent on having a go, I swung the first punch and put one down, the other two
laid into me, so I hit the deck, nothing...no kicks...nothing, so I raise my head to see
Mrs Arters beating the crap out of them with her Handbag, big bugger it was and it
contained a full bottle of Vodka........thank God for Sale or Return. Cost me a new
frock for her, mind

Always hated fcuking Budgies, thats why I've got a Parrot!
 
A

Aleegee1698

Guest
#16
I had a contract in NY, to hang 2 Calenders up, one in each building. I could nt decide whether to put the nail through November the ninth, or September the eleventh, I finally chose September the eleventh, nailing thru November the ninth would of destroyed the local Hot-dog delivery telephone number.

Imagine my surprise, with the last beat of my Estwing hammer, the building started to collapse. Luckily, I d just re-newed my Public-liability insurance!
 
#19
Minden.
Mrs Arters worked for HQ SKC, walking, me staggering, home after their Xmas
Do, heading off round the back of the Fuzzy Queers Bks, 3 Budgies cross the
road intent on having a go, I swung the first punch and put one down, the other two
laid into me, so I hit the deck, nothing...no kicks...nothing, so I raise my head to see
Mrs Arters beating the crap out of them with her Handbag, big bugger it was and it
contained a full bottle of Vodka........thank God for Sale or Return. Cost me a new
frock for her, mind

Always hated fcuking Budgies, thats why I've got a Parrot!
was it one of these budgies ?

budgie.jpg
 
#20
Minden.
Mrs Arters worked for HQ SKC, walking, me staggering, home after their Xmas
Do, heading off round the back of the Fuzzy Queers Bks, 3 Budgies cross the
road intent on having a go, I swung the first punch and put one down, the other two
laid into me, so I hit the deck, nothing...no kicks...nothing, so I raise my head to see
Mrs Arters beating the crap out of them with her Handbag, big bugger it was and it
contained a full bottle of Vodka........thank God for Sale or Return. Cost me a new
frock for her, mind

Always hated fcuking Budgies, thats why I've got a Parrot!
Or one of these budgies

budgie_02.jpg
 

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