Classification scheme - The Hoon Scale (thx VB)

#1
I was sitting on the throne today, having a particularly unsatisfying movement, and my scientific mind wandered onto a very important problem:

We haven't had a sh1tting thread for a while, and, how does one classify one's excreta?

And, the hamster powered brain kicked into gear, and came up with a blindingly simple solution: define several properties of said excreta, and rate them from 0-10. This will then give a simple ready-reckoner to compare down in the Naafi forum. And here they are:

Viscosity (V):
0 = water
5 = play-doh
10 = like passing a knobbly billet of pig iron

Colour (c):
0 = bright yellow
5 = a healthy earthy colour
10 = black as the ace of spades

Consistency (C):
0 = smooth & silky
5 = hints of corn & peanuts
10 = made entirely of pebbles & pieces of glass

Wipeability (W):
0 = requires a shower
5 = not unreasonable paper expenditure, but a bit rough on the ring
10 = 1st piece of paper clean

Odour (O)
0 = like the devil's own cesspit
5 = on the limit of what air freshener can defeat
10 = this makes roses smell bad

Predictability (P)
0 = No warning & it pours down your legs / a malteser pops
5 = gives you a few hours warning
10 = Like the weather forcast for the Sahara desert

Satisfaction level (S):
0 = deep feeling of incompleteness left in your life
5 = like a hot cup of tea on a cold salisbury plain
10 = 7th level of Nirvana achieved

For instance, today's evacuation would rate at:

V = 4, c = 6, C = 5, W = 3, O = 3, P = 7, S = 3

Roll up, roll up & rate your bowel movements here!!! Add your own parameters if you think mine are lacking...

Stoatman, turning sh1tting into science...
 
#2
Although this sort of thing is normally named after the discoverer, I propose that Stoatman's idea be named:

The Hoon Scale

The final score could be obtained by adding together the various results and dividing by the number of criteria. Thus, Staotman's example above would be 4.5 on the Hoon Scale.

I also suggest adding a further optional criterion for use after curry or kebabs have been eaten, to measure the heat involved:

Heat (H)

0 = Cool and comfortable
5 = Minor tingling - a korma of a turd
10 = It is possible to count the chilli seeds - the true ring-stinger
 
#3
I second that proposal!

Perhaps we could name the units of each parameter after Labour front-benchers, for instance viscosity measured in Clarkes, or something...

:lol:
 
#4
In that case, Consistency should be measured in "Blunketts", and Predictability in "Browns".
 

Cutaway

LE
Kit Reviewer
#8
Colour could possibly be re-named Bliar, as he has the ability to shift tones, (bad pun,) in the blink of an eye.

However I see a problem with the Bliar scale, as it does not take into account the myriad of variations possible with judicious consumption.

What about the vivid greens that occur from time to time, and then there's those that manage to pop out with several colours in the same log, like an unwrapped packet of Fruit Pastilles ?
(Without the sugar generally.)
 
#9
What about the vivid greens that occur from time to time, and then there's those that manage to pop out with several colours in the same log, like an unwrapped packet of Fruit Pastilles ?
(Without the sugar generally.)
The x-factor?
 
#10
I am currently suffering from Man-Flu (day 1), and have experienced a curious change in bowel habit. Today's offering was a series of small, almost spherical turds, delivered like belt-fed M&Ms. Alas, due to obstruction of the olfactory sensor by mucus, I am not able to comment on the odour.

How fecking unhappy does that make a man? Not only do I feel sh!t, I can't even have the pleasure of smelling my own farts.
 
#11
Cutaway said:
What about the vivid greens that occur from time to time, and then there's those that manage to pop out with several colours in the same log, like an unwrapped packet of Fruit Pastilles ?
(Without the sugar generally.)
Generally?
 

Cutaway

LE
Kit Reviewer
#12
Donny said:
Cutaway said:
What about the vivid greens that occur from time to time, and then there's those that manage to pop out with several colours in the same log, like an unwrapped packet of Fruit Pastilles ?
(Without the sugar generally.)
Generally?
Have you never dumped into an oppo's sugar jar ? 8O
 
#13
Viscosity in 'Hains'; he's an oily b'stard!
 
#15
I think we forgot one of the most (or not so) pleasureable aspects of taking a dump

The plop factor!!

Is it a quiet submarine type dive

or a meteor impact with associated detritus splashing around the bowl and you cobblers 8O

agent smith
 
#16
There is, I'm sure some of our medical brothers and 'sisters' (we've always known you're all blokes, we just pretended for the sake of your feelings), a poster detailing the different categories of excreta and it's shown to pregnant birds so they can discern everyday sh1t from the baby when it arrives (lots of babies would drown in toilet bowls otherwise). Can we do the same using the marvels of digital photography - we could have a rogues gallery of poo. We could advance medical science!
 
#17
RTFQ said:
There is, I'm sure some of our medical brothers and 'sisters' (we've always known you're all blokes, we just pretended for the sake of your feelings), a poster detailing the different categories of excreta and it's shown to pregnant birds so they can discern everyday sh1t from the baby when it arrives (lots of babies would drown in toilet bowls otherwise). Can we do the same using the marvels of digital photography - we could have a rogues gallery of poo. We could advance medical science!
Aah, the best ideas are often the sickest. I have no objections to people posting photos of their poo along with its classification.

I, for one, had an extremely bad sh1te this morning - the start of it was about V=9.5 Hains (a real ring ripper), but ended at about V=4 Hains, thereby giving me a wipeability of about W=5. Odour was unimpressive at O=6, but it did leave a nice satisfaction of S=7...

/feels better for "sharing"
 
#18
Dont forget persistence!

1: cant be shifted with a pneumatic drill ( whether through floatation or re-enamelling the bowl)
to
10: has slithered round the U-bend before you have a chance to observe the colour or wipe
 
#19
Last evening I heroically made it to the Mess dining-room for my first food for two days. What with all the fluids, Beecham's potions and so forth, the resulting movment was interesting to say the least. Suffice it to say the performance was over so quickly I barely had time to switch on the wireless and open my book. I now know how a V2 felt at the moment of launching. The lavatory looks as if it has been painted in Tarndruck. Hains = 0, but Mandelsons = 10 :lol:
 
E

error_unknown

Guest
#20
Had a Thai fish curry last night and I've got to say that this mornings episode was troubling: wipeability was fine, viscosity marginal, but odour - feck me, must have been around 11 Mandlesons!
 

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