Classification scheme - The Hoon Scale (thx VB)

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by stoatman, Dec 17, 2004.

Welcome to the Army Rumour Service, ARRSE

The UK's largest and busiest UNofficial military website.

The heart of the site is the forum area, including:

  1. I was sitting on the throne today, having a particularly unsatisfying movement, and my scientific mind wandered onto a very important problem:

    We haven't had a sh1tting thread for a while, and, how does one classify one's excreta?

    And, the hamster powered brain kicked into gear, and came up with a blindingly simple solution: define several properties of said excreta, and rate them from 0-10. This will then give a simple ready-reckoner to compare down in the Naafi forum. And here they are:

    Viscosity (V):
    0 = water
    5 = play-doh
    10 = like passing a knobbly billet of pig iron

    Colour (c):
    0 = bright yellow
    5 = a healthy earthy colour
    10 = black as the ace of spades

    Consistency (C):
    0 = smooth & silky
    5 = hints of corn & peanuts
    10 = made entirely of pebbles & pieces of glass

    Wipeability (W):
    0 = requires a shower
    5 = not unreasonable paper expenditure, but a bit rough on the ring
    10 = 1st piece of paper clean

    Odour (O)
    0 = like the devil's own cesspit
    5 = on the limit of what air freshener can defeat
    10 = this makes roses smell bad

    Predictability (P)
    0 = No warning & it pours down your legs / a malteser pops
    5 = gives you a few hours warning
    10 = Like the weather forcast for the Sahara desert

    Satisfaction level (S):
    0 = deep feeling of incompleteness left in your life
    5 = like a hot cup of tea on a cold salisbury plain
    10 = 7th level of Nirvana achieved

    For instance, today's evacuation would rate at:

    V = 4, c = 6, C = 5, W = 3, O = 3, P = 7, S = 3

    Roll up, roll up & rate your bowel movements here!!! Add your own parameters if you think mine are lacking...

    Stoatman, turning sh1tting into science...
  2. Although this sort of thing is normally named after the discoverer, I propose that Stoatman's idea be named:

    The Hoon Scale

    The final score could be obtained by adding together the various results and dividing by the number of criteria. Thus, Staotman's example above would be 4.5 on the Hoon Scale.

    I also suggest adding a further optional criterion for use after curry or kebabs have been eaten, to measure the heat involved:

    Heat (H)

    0 = Cool and comfortable
    5 = Minor tingling - a korma of a turd
    10 = It is possible to count the chilli seeds - the true ring-stinger
  3. I second that proposal!

    Perhaps we could name the units of each parameter after Labour front-benchers, for instance viscosity measured in Clarkes, or something...

  4. In that case, Consistency should be measured in "Blunketts", and Predictability in "Browns".
  5. Stoatman. Very, very funny. :lol:
  6. Could Odour be measured in Mandelsons, whilst the unit of measure in Colour could be the Vaz?
  7. Satisfaction in "Blairs"? :lol: :lol: :lol:
  8. Cutaway

    Cutaway LE Reviewer

    Colour could possibly be re-named Bliar, as he has the ability to shift tones, (bad pun,) in the blink of an eye.

    However I see a problem with the Bliar scale, as it does not take into account the myriad of variations possible with judicious consumption.

    What about the vivid greens that occur from time to time, and then there's those that manage to pop out with several colours in the same log, like an unwrapped packet of Fruit Pastilles ?
    (Without the sugar generally.)
  9. The x-factor?
  10. I am currently suffering from Man-Flu (day 1), and have experienced a curious change in bowel habit. Today's offering was a series of small, almost spherical turds, delivered like belt-fed M&Ms. Alas, due to obstruction of the olfactory sensor by mucus, I am not able to comment on the odour.

    How fecking unhappy does that make a man? Not only do I feel sh!t, I can't even have the pleasure of smelling my own farts.
  11. Generally?
  12. Cutaway

    Cutaway LE Reviewer

    Have you never dumped into an oppo's sugar jar ? 8O
  13. Viscosity in 'Hains'; he's an oily b'stard!
  14. think we need the voice of an expert in crap :lol:

    where is Dui-Lai? :wink:
  15. I think we forgot one of the most (or not so) pleasureable aspects of taking a dump

    The plop factor!!

    Is it a quiet submarine type dive

    or a meteor impact with associated detritus splashing around the bowl and you cobblers 8O

    agent smith