Dear Santa, As usual I have not just been good, I have been extremely awesome this year. My radicalness has been rather excessive and I'm almost afraid that I am too good for my own good. But whatever, I can handle it. As you know, I am not sending you a Christmas wish list. This is a Christmas list of demands. Meet my demands, or I will meet you in an icy back alley in the North Pole and then I'll make every little kid's fear come true. Got it? My Christmas List of Demands: 1. An Osama Bin Laden Punch bag. 2. A Texas Ranger Star Badge Shining Kit. I used my star to slit a man's throat. 3. A rocket ship so I can fly to the moon. I'm sure there's some bad guys up there. 4. A baby. I've always wanted a boy of my own so I can name him Crawler, Texas Ranger. 5. My own theme park like Dolly Pardon has. I'll call it Chuck Island. 6. A musical written about my life. And it will have the greatest kick line ever. 7. A new Christmas tie. I used my last one to strangle a man. 8. Help my new book "Kicking Bad Guys for Dummies: An Idiot's Guide to Stopping Evil Doers with Your Foot," get to the top seller list. 9. A new pair of boots. I shoved my last pair up a bad guy's ass. 10. World Peace...oh wait, I'll handle that one.