Christmas. The season of festive vengence

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by TheIronDuke, Dec 1, 2011.

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  1. TheIronDuke

    TheIronDuke LE Book Reviewer

    Christmas is coming. The Baby Jesus born to cleanse our sins and happy shoppers and fucking Slade to egg them on.

    They can all fuck off. My sins are my own. They belong to me. But vengeance? Ah yes my little chums. There is a gift that never stops giving. One only has to wait and watch. Until Christmas then the fucking cunts will be stitched up like a kipper.

    The gifted amateur will pick the most noisy garish horrible toy in the shop to give to his enemies kids. Drums, bugles, keyboards and bangy things. This is why they are amateurs.

    Hamsters. Hamsters is the key to proper vengeance.

    What parent will not smile when one turns up on Christmas Eve, like Scrooge but better dressed, with two little hamsters in a cage? As a gift. For their lovely children. The Dad may suss it. That lazy smile and the “Hi Kev. It’s a Christmas present for your kids. No hard feelings about the garage deal, eh?” But by then it is too late. He is fucked but has yet to work out how.

    Hamsters are nocturnal so they will scrabble about all night and keep the kids awake. If you apply an emery cloth to their hamster wheel it will squeak. And induce thoughts of suicide at 4.00am in the small children.

    The small children will love the little fucking rodents and give them names and toys so necking them and chucking them in the bin is not an option for their Dad.

    By about January 3[SUP]rd[/SUP], the fond parents will say “We’ll put them in our room dears because they keep you awake at night and you need your sleep for school”.

    That is your enemies sex life proper fucked.

    Christmas – its not just about fucking dogs.

    What’s your plan for Christmas Vengeance. In-laws, cousins, fuckwits you haven’t seen for a year, fucking carol singers – it is open season.
     
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  2. It's also the gift that keeps giving.Assuming the foul creatures survive into the spring,by then the kids will have begun to appreciate the little bundles of fluffy cuddles,make sure that after visiting the family to which you have given the hamsters to,you leave the cage door slightly ajar.
    If there are foxes in the area it will not end well.
     
  3. I shall do as I did last year and present Woman's step-Dad with a bottle of good single Malt. He is a recovering alcoholic.
     
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  4. I'm buying anyone I don't like the new Coldplay CD.
     
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  5. Yeah cheers

    christmas!-v1.jpg
     
  6. You are one vindictive Harpy.......but I like you.
     
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  7. Alright, I'll bite.

    NO IT FUCKING ISN'T!

    Is Christmas Christian?

    Christmas is a PAGAN not a Christian festival.
    The 25th December was celebrated in ancient days as the birthday of the unconquerable SUN god, (variously know as Tammuz, Mithra, Saturn, Adonis or BAAL) centuries before Jesus Christ was born in Bethlehem.
    Nowhere in the Bible are believers in the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob required to celebrate Christmas.
    The early Christian church did not celebrate Christmas. Instead it celebrated the sacred festivals mentioned in the Bible, in Leviticus chapter 23.
    In order to win Gentile converts to the Christian faith, the Roman Church, centuries after the apostolic era, adopted this ancient pagan winter festival of the SUN god and renamed it 'Christmas' mistakenly thinking that it would honour the SON of God.
    Scholars have for centuries known these facts. They can be confirmed in any reference library.


    There, I feel better now.

    Oh by the way, Bah fucking humbug.
     
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  8. Hamsters? No no, far too easy to deal with.

    Long haired Guinea Pigs are the thing for true vengance.

    All the nocturnal delights but the little fuckers need constant grooming or end up as stinking shit and bedding encrusted matted mini floormops. Really stupid, cannot do not much more than eat and shit.

    The books say stuff like: "The Long Haired Guinea Pig likes to be handled and stroked, and is very good with children" Balls.

    They very often do not like being picked up at all and scrabble around, squealing like they are being murdered, so kids get alarmed. They go really nuts whilst you (i.e. the mug left to deal with the useless little inbreds) performs the (frequent) grooming required to stop them becoming said stinking shit and bedding encrusted matted mini floormops.

    Oh yes and the buggers can live for 5-6 years.

    How do I know this? Because Mrs B. in a moment of madness bought a pair for my brats. Grrr!
     
  9. Just accepted an invite to No2 sons for Xmas eve nosh....Venison, by Jiminy.

    Him, Partner, Partners two screamers and two Northern Inuit Doggies will

    be in attendance.........The question is...do you think it is a good idea to give

    him a nice little Kitty for Crimbo?........Open Basket and retire to the kitchen, turn

    music up and re-enter Living Room 10 mins later to see if the colour of the

    Decor as changed, well even Doggies like presents at Christmas!

    Don't they?
     
  10. Deploy a Chinchilla - 'ave it !
     
  11. I always thought it was the season of stella and wife beating!
     
    • Like Like x 1
  12. Then get Brother John to crucify you.
     
  13. We're from Yarkshire, you plonker, all the Furry Football Chinchillas have been
    purloined by the local Chinkies...........72 with Flied Lice, rettuce and Chlips.
     
  14. I'll agree with that one. My daft sister bought one for her kids and when it escaped from the cage she spent hours chasing it around the house as it was climbing the curtains and furniture at 100 mph.
     
  15. no no no - number 72 is roasted whippet with pigeon sauce