christmas songs

Discussion in 'Miscellaneous Jokes' started by Padrat, Sep 13, 2010.

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  1. Christmas for The Thought Police and Risk Assors

    The Rocking Song
    Little Jesus, sweetly sleep, do not stir;
    We will lend a coat of fur,
    We will rock you, rock you, rock you,
    We will rock you, rock you, rock you:

    Fur is no longer appropriate wear for small infants, both due to risk of
    allergy to animal fur, and for ethical reasons. Therefore faux fur, a nice
    cellular blanket or perhaps micro-fleece material should be considered a
    suitable alternative.

    Please note, only persons who have been subject to a Criminal Records
    Bureau check and have enhanced clearance will be permitted to rock baby
    Jesus. Persons must carry their CRB disclosure with them at all times and
    be prepared to provide three forms of identification before rocking

    Jingle Bells
    Dashing through the snow
    In a one horse open sleigh
    O'er the fields we go
    Laughing all the way

    A risk assessment must be submitted before an open sleigh is considered
    safe for members of the public to travel on. The risk assessment must also
    consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a
    venture, particularly if passengers are of larger proportions. Please note,
    permission must be gained from landowners before entering their fields. To
    avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we would request
    that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise

    While Shepherds Watched
    While shepherds watched
    Their flocks by night
    All seated on the ground
    The angel of the Lord came down
    And glory shone around

    The union of Shepherd's has complained that it breaches health and safety
    regulations to insist that shepherds watch their flocks without appropriate
    seating arrangements being provided, therefore benches, stools and
    orthopaedic chairs are now available. Shepherds have also requested that
    due to the inclement weather conditions at this time of year that they
    should watch their flocks via cctv cameras from centrally heated shepherd
    observation huts.
    Please note, the angel of the lord is reminded that before shining his /
    her glory all around she / he must ascertain that all shepherds have been
    issued with glasses capable of filtering out the harmful effects of UVA,
    UVB and Glory.

    Little Donkey
    Little donkey, little donkey on the dusty road
    Got to keep on plodding onwards with your precious load

    The RSPCA have issued strict guidelines with regard to how heavy a load
    that a donkey of small stature is permitted to carry, also included in the
    guidelines is guidance regarding how often to feed the donkey and how many
    rest breaks are required over a four hour plodding period. Please note that
    due to the increased risk of pollution from the dusty road, Mary and Joseph
    are required to wear face masks to prevent inhalation of any airborne
    particles. The donkey has expressed his discomfort at being labelled
    'little' and would prefer just to be simply referred to as Mr. Donkey. To
    comment upon his height or lack thereof may be considered an infringement
    of his equine rights.

    We Three Kings
    We three kings of Orient are
    Bearing gifts we traverse afar
    Field and fountain, moor and mountain
    Following yonder star

    Whilst the gift of gold is still considered acceptable - as it may be
    redeemed at a later date through such organisations as 'cash for gold' etc,
    gifts of frankincense and myrrh are not appropriate due to the potential
    risk of oils and fragrances causing allergic reactions. A suggested gift
    alternative would be to make a donation to a worthy cause in the recipients
    name or perhaps give a gift voucher.
    We would not advise that the traversing kings rely on navigation by stars
    in order to reach their destinations and suggest the use of RAC routefinder
    or satellite navigation, which will provide the quickest route and advice
    regarding fuel consumption. Please note as per the guidelines from the
    RSPCA for Mr Donkey, the camels carrying the three kings of Orient will
    require regular food and rest breaks. Facemasks for the three kings are
    also advisable due to the likelihood of dust from the camels hooves.

    Rudolph the red nosed reindeer
    Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer
    had a very shiny nose.
    And if you ever saw him,
    you would even say it glows.

    You are advised that under the Equal Opportunities for All policy, it is
    inappropriate for persons to make comment with regard to the ruddiness of
    any part of Mr. R. Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr R Reindeer
    from the Reindeer Games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary
    action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence. A full
    investigation will be implemented and sanctions - including suspension on
    full pay - will be considered whilst this investigation takes place.