Christmas is coming

#1
As we head rapidly downhill towards the festive season, there seem to be two bumps on the British route - the Chancellor's Dreaded Announcement on 20 October and more Quantitative Easing. If I want to save money, should I buy my outsized tin of ham now, or wait until December?
 
#3
I may have to lay in stocks of THAT POEM as they don't appear to be coming out so early...
 
#4
Some like the classics for the holiday:




Others are open to new ideas.:

 
#5
Some like the classics for the holiday:



100% White!!

I am sure that must break at least half a dozen (or should that be in metric now?) laws/guidelines/best practices etc etc
 
#6
With Tesco announcing a 12% increase in profits this morning, we will all be paying for Christmas this year - and a huge chunk of that money will go to Tesco!!

Quantitive Easing? I wish some of it would come my way... bloody fuel is up tuppence this morning.

Can I be the first to wish all Arrsers a Bah Humbug? :)

Lits
 

Auld-Yin

ADC
Kit Reviewer
Book Reviewer
Reviews Editor
#7
The government is about to announce that as part of the universal cuts, Christmas has been cancelleed and is being replaced by a multi faith festival. However, it will be based on Dicken's 'The Christmas Carol' and while Christmas will not be part of the celebration, people will be expected to work until noon on Christmas Day (yes I know it is a Saturday - so what!) and only get away once the boss has finished his third cup of tea. Boxing Day has been cancelled as the Government will have taken all tips as a form of tax to help cut the deficit left by the previous government.

The government are keen to point out that these measures are as a result of the mess left by the previous government and are nothing at all to do with idealogical policy.
 
#8
And they are stopping the merciful beheadings...
 
#9
I may have to lay in stocks of THAT POEM as they don't appear to be coming out so early...
what, this one?

Well, seeing as it's a Christmas thread...

T'was the night before Christmas, he lived all alone
In a one bedroom house made of plaster & stone.

I had come down the chimney with presents to give
And to see just who in this home did live.

I looked all about a strange sight I did see,
No tinsel, no presents, not even a tree.

No stocking by the fire, just boots filled with sand,
On the wall hung pictures of far distant lands.

With medals and badges, awards of all kind
A sober thought came through my mind.

For this house was different, so dark and dreary,
I knew I had found the home of a squaddie, once I could see clearly.

I heard stories about them, I had to see more
So I walked down the hall and pushed open the door.

And there he lay sleeping silent alone,
Curled up on the floor in his one bedroom home.

His face so gentle, his room in such disorder,
Not how I pictured a stout British soldier.

Was this the hero of whom I'd just read?
Curled up with his wanksock, a floor for his bed?

His head was clean shaven, his weathered face tan,
I soon understood this was more then a man.

For I realized the families that I saw that night
Owed their lives to these men who were willing to fight.

Soon around the world, the children would play,
And grownups would celebrate on a bright Christmas day.

They all enjoyed freedom each month of the day,
Because of soldiers like this one lying here.

I couldn't help wonder how many lay alone
On a cold Christmas Eve in a land far from home.

Just the very thought brought a tear to my eye,
I dropped to my knees and started to cry.

The squaddie awakened and I heard a rough voice,
Santa don't cry, this life is my choice;

I fight for freedom, I don't ask for more,
My life is my country, my Army, my Corps.

With that he rolled over and drifted off into sleep,
I couldn't control it, I continued to weep.

I watched him for hours, so silent and still,
I noticed he shivered from the cold night's chill.

So I took off my jacket, the one made of red,
And bukkaked this squaddie from his toes to his head.

I didn't want to leave him on that cold dark night,
This guardian of honor so willing to fight.

Then the soldier rolled over, whispered with a voice so clean and pure,
Carry on Santa, it's Christmas day, all is secure.

One look at my watch, and I knew he was right,
Merry Christmas my friend, and to all a good night!

:santa::santa::santa::santa:
mwah hah ha ha!
 
#11
My family are in for a real treat this year

 
#12
My family are in for a real treat this year

You know I promised you a hamper, dear...

(Thinking about it a 4-man pack would do the trick as long as Wolfgang pitched up with the beers & the wagon was loaded up with korn & whiskey).
 

Joker62

ADC
Book Reviewer
#13
what, this one?



mwah hah ha ha!
This one, coutesy of Ravers is better and more in tone with the current economic climate:-

TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS,
HE LIVED ALL ALONE,
IN A ONE BEDROOM HOUSE MADE OF
PLASTER AND STONE.

I HAD COME THROUGH THE WINDOW
TO ROB THE **** BLIND,
AND TO STEAL SOME JEWELLERY,
OR VALUABLES OF ANY KIND.

I LOOKED ALL ABOUT,
A STRANGE SIGHT I DID SEE,
NO TELLY, NO RADIO,
NOT EVEN A PS3.

NO HEIRLOOMS BY MANTLE,
JUST BOOTS THAT ******* STANK,
ON THE WALL HUNG CHAD PHOTS
AND A POSTER OF SOME PAGE 3 SKANK.

WITH A JUBILEE MEDAL,
AND A CAP BADGE OF SOME KIND,
A SOBERING THOUGHT,
CAME THROUGH MY MIND.

FOR THIS HOUSE WAS DIFFERENT,
IT WAS DARK AND DREARY,
I'D FOUND THE HOME OF LOGGIE,
ONCE I COULD SEE CLEARLY.

THE GROTTY **** LAY SLEEPING,
SILENT, ALONE,
CURLED UP ON THE FLOOR
IN THIS ONE BEDROOM HOME.

A BOTTLE OF VODKA,
LAY SMASHED ON THE FLOOR,
AND I NOTICED A PICTURE,
OF THE LAD WITH A THAI WHORE.

WHAT A GROTTY MINGER,
HE WAS REALLY WAS JACK,
HE WAS CRASHED OUT ON A PONCHO,
THE FLOOR FOR A RACK.

I REALIZED THE HOUSES.
THAT I'D BURGLED THAT NIGHT,
WHERE ALL PRETTY CRAPPY,
BUT THIS REALLY WAS SHITE.

SOON ROUND THE WORLD,
THE CHILDREN WOULD SING,
AND THIS **** WOULD WAKE UP,
TO FIND I'D ROBBED ALL HIS THINGS.
 
#14
I tend to go for the original and more exotic
PolishSpam.jpg
MMM! Buffalo testicles!

HomerSimpson.jpg
 

Similar threads

Latest Threads

Top