Christmas 'Elf & Safety

Discussion in 'Miscellaneous Jokes' started by Chodmeister, Nov 30, 2011.

Welcome to the Army Rumour Service, ARRSE

The UK's largest and busiest UNofficial military website.

The heart of the site is the forum area, including:

  1. If it's been done before please feel free to pull it.

    POLITICAL CORRECTNESS – HEALTH & SAFETY

    WHILE SHEPHERDS WATCHED
    While shepherds watched their flocks by night
    All seated on the ground,
    The Angel of the Lord came down,
    And Glory shone around.

    The Union of Shepherds has complained that it breaches Health & Safety Regulations to insist the shepherds watch their flocks without appropriate seating arrangements being provided.
    Therefore, benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs must be available. Shepherds have also requested that, due to inclement weather they should watch their flocks via CCTV cameras behind centrally heated shepherd observation huts.
    The Angel of the Lord is reminded that before shining his / her Glory all around, the shepherds must be issued with glasses capable of filtering out any harmful effects of UVA, UVB and Glory lighting.

    LITTLE DONKEY
    Little donkey, little donkey on the dusty road,
    Got to keep on plodding onwards, with your precious load.

    The RSPCA has issued strict guidelines with regard to how heavy a load a donkey of small stature is permitted to carry. Also in the guidelines are permitted feeding breaks, and at least one rest break in a four-hour plodding period.
    Due to the risk of pollution from the dusty road, Mary and Joseph are required to wear facemasks.
    The ‘Little Donkey’ has expressed his discomfort as being labelled ‘Little’ and would prefer to being simply referred to as ‘Mr Donkey’.
    Comments upon his height or otherwise are considered to be a breach of his equine rights.

    WE THREE KINGS
    We three Kings of Orient are,
    Bearing gifts we traverse afar,
    Field and fountain,
    Moor and Mountain,
    Following yonder star.

    Whilst the gift of Gold is still considered acceptable – as it may be redeemed at a later date through such organisations such as ‘Cash4Gold’ etc., gifts of Frankincense and Myrrh are not appropriate due to the risk of oils and fragrances causing allergic reactions.
    An acceptable alternative might be a gift voucher.
    It is not recommended that traversing Kings should rely on star navigation, and would advise the use of AA RouteFinder or Sat Nav.
    Both can provide the quickest route and advise on fuel consumption.
    As in the case of Mr. Donkey, the three camels require regular rest and food breaks and facemasks for the three Kings are obligatory due to the likelihood of desert dust disturbed by the camel hooves.

    THE ROCKING CAROL
    Little Jesus sweetly sleep, do not stir,
    We will lend a coat of fur,
    We will rock you, rock you, rock you,
    We will rock you, rock you, rock you,

    Fur is no longer appropriate wear for small infants due to the risk of allergy and for ethical reasons.
    Therefore, false fur, a cellular blanket or, perhaps, micro-fleece material should be considered alternatives.
    Please note that, only persons who have been subject to a Criminal Records Bureau (CRB) check and have enhanced clearance will be permitted to rock Baby Jesus.
    Persons must carry their CRB disclosure at all times and be prepared to provide three forms of identification before any rocking commences.

    JINGLE BELLS
    Dashing through the snow on a one-horse open sleigh,
    Over fields we go – laughing all the way.

    A Risk Assessment must be submitted before an open sleigh is considered safe for members of the public to ride.
    The Risk Assessment should also consider whether the use of only one horse is appropriate – particularly if passengers are of larger proportions.
    Permission from landowners must be gained before entering any ‘Open Fields’.
    To avoid offending those not participating in the venture, it is required that only ‘moderate’ laughter is used and not at a noise level likely to be of nuisance to others.

    RUDOLPH THE RED NOSED REINDEER
    Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer, had a very shiny nose,
    And if you ever saw it, you would even say it glows,
    All of the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names,
    They never let poor Rudolph join in any reindeer games.

    You are advised that, under the Equal Opportunities Policy, it is inappropriate for persons to make comment upon the ruddiness of Mr. R. Reindeer.
    Name-calling contravenes our Anti-Bullying policy, and further to this, the exclusion of Mr. R. Reindeer from any reindeer games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against anyone found guilty of this offence.
    A full investigation will be implemented, leading to imposing sanctions such as a ban from hanging up stockings or enjoying Christmas dinner.


    AWAY IN A MANGER
    Away in a manger – no crib for a bed…

    Refer to Social Services immediately!
     
    • Like Like x 1
  2. Servicemen in Afghanistan should not play football with the Taliban on Christmas Day.

    Just because your Great Grandfathers did it on Christmas day 1914 with the Germans, doesnt mean you can do it this Christmas.
     
  3. Has THAT POEM started appearing in peopl's inboxes yet? I've already started de-friending people on FB who are members of groups which repost drivel & doggrel relating to the Armed Forces, so haven't been afflicted...
     
  4. Not yet but I wait with bated breath. I too take people off my friends list who pass on such drivel but thought the 'Elf & Safety carols were mildly funny.
     
  5. Elf 'n' Safety Carols indeed good, although I did see something similar last year. Just thought this might be the correct thread to mention THE POEM rather than start another one!
     
  6. Fair do's buddy...lol
     
    • Like Like x 1