Chimpys guide to door 2 door sales

Door to door windows salesman has been my line of work for the past 3 years. Having been sacked from various jobs and having spent some time in one of her majesty's establishments my employment prospects looked abysmal. However, the saving grace for me was dodgy sales companies selling windows, doors and conservatories to the general public. These companies never ask for job referances or work history etc etc. I'm also good at talking sh!t and bullsh!tting and so most of these companies were willing to take me on as a "canvasser" or sales rep.

Now, you're probably asking yourselves "how does this affect me?". Well, think about it ... when you come out of the army, and all you know is how to fire a gun and throw a grenade, what skills will you have for civvie street? It's either mundane office work or labouring jobs on minimum wage. That is unless you decide to go into a 100% commision only sales job. These places sound risky but the money you can earn can be amazing. I earnt £100, 000 one year. No lie ... you can ask any of me mates.

What we had was a set price called "price right" and we were allowed to go 30% either way on price right to make our sale (and as much commssion for ourselves). Obviously if you could sell something at 30% above "price right" you would make a hell of a lot more than if you were forced to sell at 30% BELOW price right. So "bargain hunters" and wannabe hagglers aren't the best customers. A young couple who finds the whole salesman pitch intimidating and offensive will be on the defensive straight away. You can't sell quality to these people as the first and foremost thing in their minds is "I don't want to get ripped off". As such you need to make these types think they are getting a good deal or a bargain. Not too hard as most people are idiots ... but your commission suffers a lot when you have to keep dropping the price. Most young to middle aged guys find it a huge dent to their pride if they get ripped off, they feel like they have been out smarted and out played ... which they have ... as such any self respecting man's man will be determined to stop this from happening. You know the types, the guy down the pub who refuses to buy your bootlegged ciggies for 50p cheaper than retail because he doesn't want to see you profit from him ... he'd rather pay more at the shop than give you the satisfaction of making money out of him. This is the nature of people today.

So who is best to target then? Deffinately without a shadow of a doubt OLD PEOPLE every time. You can sell "quality" to pensioners wheras youngsters are just bothered about price. Pensioners have loads of money in the bank, don't have that wannabe haggler mentality and are always worrying about burglars and whatnot. So here's what I used to do. First I'd have to blag my way into their houses ... this is the hard part and is generally a numbers game, most don't want your business but the few that you can con into "hearing you out" are almost certainly buyers once they let you in. I'd then feed them the usual stuff ... "This is the best, most secure glass/conservatory/door on the market Mrs Green blah blah blah". I'd get talking to them and mention how a house got broken in to "just down the road" last week ... "didn't you hear about it Mrs Green??? ... I'm shocked, It was in the papers and everything .... they got away with thousands of pounds worth of stuff you know!" etc etc. Once I'd got to know them a bit I'd then tell them that the reason I know about security is because I used to be a house burglar myself ("Keep it under your hat though eh Mrs Green!"). I'd tell them that I went to prison for years for numerous house robberies and can't get a job anywhere other than in sales now because of my criminal record. I'd say how I was now a reformed character ofcourse and say how doing this job is my way of giving my bit back to society as I'm making people's houses more secure. I'd also tell them I have a family with kids who rely on my income and whilst I'd never want to go back to a life of crime, things have been increasingly hard of late and I will always have what I call "the thief's instinct". Also, I'd say all my mates are still thieves but with the help of my counseller (who just recently I've had to ditch because I can't afford anymore) I'm determined to stay on the straight and narrow. I'd explain how I used to break into people's houses by demonstrating on their existing windows "Yep, burglars would get straight through there! What we used to do Mrs Green is take the glass out like so ..." followed by "obviously this would be impossible to do on our windows as they are made so well" etc etc. I would also take particular interest in something in their house ... ie their Royal Doltan figures or their big TV for example. I'd be gushing over the TV and show what would be perceived as "a bit too much interest in it" whilst shiftily glancing at their existing windows and eyeing up "the weak point", then back to the TV. I'd then start asking them if they'd got any holidays booked or if they go out much at all. Nothing offensive or outright threatening ofcourse ... just enough to make them feel vulnerable, insecure and uncomfortable. As such, the fact that they think they are getting a good deal (which in reality they aren't) ... along with the fact that the quality of the product apears to be good (which in reality it isn't) ... along with the fact that there is an unstable and desperate ex burglar in their house showing an unhealthy interest in their TV ... along with the fact that they now realise that their existing windows can be used as an entry point for burglars (like me) ... along with the fact that the house down the road aparantly got robbed recently ... and lets not forget the fact that they were looking for new windows anyway ... all this convinces them to make the decison to part with their cash there and then. I act very pleased for them, tell them they've made a sensible security choice, tell them that I can guarantee that their house is practically "thief proof" now ... and then charge them the full 30% over "price right".

From this I'd probably make about £500 in commission that can go straight in my back pocket ... just from one hour's work!!! If I only have 3 of these a week I get £1500 every week. Sometimes you can get more! But if I tried this routine on a young couple ... who are first time buyers, skint, clued up on sales bullsh!t and determined not to get swindled ... I'd be forced to knock the price down to 30% below price right just to get a sale, and thus only make about £50. Otherwise, they'll just take the free quote and "think about it" and get it done on their terms and in their own time ... prob walk into the showroom the next day with the money and pay exactly what I offered them ... which ofcourse doesn't help me at all. They don't get phazed by the burglar routine as they know full well that if a burglar really wants to get into your house he'll get in anyway ... no matter what windows you have. But the elderly fall for it EVERY time!!!

So, to conclude, when you get out the army get a job as a door to door salesman. But don't waste your time doing crappy little sales on young or middle aged people. Target the elderly. Make them feel threatened and unsafe and you will make loads of money out of them ... I guarantee it.

I cant believe I even clicked on this thread, and then started to read it, im ashamed of my self. window salesman?? haha whats your job really??


Book Reviewer
It was rather tedious, but because of his moniker, I read it.

The point is somewhat laboured I feel.

While you're at it . . . can't get any sex? Target the old, they're much easier to flatter and most of their potential mates are already dead. If thy decide they didn't want to have sex, no bother, they won't remember you in a line-up.
Chimpy. said:
So, to conclude, when you get out the army get a job as a door to door salesman. But don't waste your time doing crappy little sales on young or middle aged people. Target the elderly. Make them feel threatened and unsafe and you will make loads of money out of them ... I guarantee it.

Ah, but Chimpy., someone tried that on my granny last year. Little did they know she was Laportes Ladies Jujitsu Champion 1953-1961. Once they had stopped crying she even called an ambulance for them and helped him pick up what was left of his samples of panes of glass.

Took him grapes in hospital and everything. Lovely lady she is.

Not one of your better ones!



I keep saying it Chimpy - you are a throbber.

Please come clean on your real identity.

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