Chilean miners freed

In order to make light of the new incessant media frenzy that is the lifting of some unfortunate people from a hole in the ground, what would you do first if you were being pulled out now? Would you confess to finding Pedro's rear end strangely alluring during these cramped conditions, would you confess to nicking the last biscuit and replacing it with some rock, or would you use this limelight opportunity to release a duet with Jordan, entitled "stuck in your hole with 32 other blokes", a project you've been meaning to do with her some time?
I would horrify Chile's Catholics (70% of the population) by saying only that I'd discovered the purest form of the Eucharist and that I now understand the survivors of Flight 571 perfectly. I'd leave the rest to their imagination.
Expect a TV Movie soon eh? Staring Ross Kemp as a man persecuted down a hole, Barbara Windsor as the woman he loved, Russ Abbot as the American hole digger pulled out of retirement in order to dig one last hole for his Jonny stuck in a hospital and Alan Rickman as the Sheriff of Nottinghole, intent on flooding the mine and killing everybody in order to collect the insurance money. Steamy...
Howabout a new version of Big Brother - one where contestants are all put into a mine and it's filled in. One might argue that there's where the program ends, but to prolong the agony they can complete tasks such as taking a dump into an already filled pooh bag, trying to drink the water not loaded with arsenic, or fighting off the evil cave monsters (prove there aren't before you respond).
I think they should do a little magic trick, Just before the tube is due to go up the shaft, someone walks in front of the camera, Pedro jumps out and they all express surprise when Pheonix arrives at the surface empty.

One of the guys (No 3 I think) may have been reading this and bought a bag up with him, after he'd got out of pheonix and embraced a few people he started rummaging in his bag, he'd only bought some rock for his rescuers, I bet he'd spent 67 days carving Greetings from San Jose through the middle of it.
Part of the missing man's diary might read:

Day 25. Rodriguez is being so friendly and kind towards me. He has assured me that the way to fight my claustrophobia is to eat all the garlic, whole lemons, pepper, salt, sage, onion, chilli and other such luxuries which he has supplied in large quantities for me to eat. He kindly insists I eat it all and also rub is daily on my skin three times a day. He is nearly finished making me a jacket out of baking foil as well to keep me warm. All this and he is preparing us a big bonfire to celebrate Santa Maria's day at the end of the week as well. What a kind and thoughtful man.
Did he tell you he would let you go up the chimney shaped escape hole first?
Mr D you are aware that as a trapped miner YOU will be entitled to about £1m in compo, now what were you saying about it being yours and congratulations you on such a clear broadband signal from your mine shaft.
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