Chess piece instertion

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by Mighty_doh_nut, Sep 21, 2007.

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  1. I was on a call this afternoon at a typical family home. Two chocolate stained kids whining about being bored, banished to their bedrooms while I went about my business. Amid the bickering I managed to get them signed up and needed a little more info from them.

    The Dad had to go back to work leaving me at home with the fat housewife, in jogging suit bottoms and fat ankles.

    I needed their passports and a utility bill..... she seemed to take ages looking for them, from the bread bin to the laundry basket she managed to turn the hovel upside down.

    Whilst she was out I noticed a fake marble chess set on the table next to me....... 'classy' I thought as I put a pawn in my pocket and sat grinning holding the bishop in my mit. A grubby looking mongrel dog was asleep near my feet and the dirty fcuker kept farting.

    The fat cow from upstairs shouted 'Won't be a minute, put the tele on if you wan't, Maury is on'

    I bent over to grab the TV remote, and thought I'm having that, but the devil got a grip so I tried to slide the bishop into the dogs winking as5hole....... Fcuk me it jumped! I nearly erupted laughing as it shot off with a chess peice lodged in its crimper, quietly praying that it would't go to its mum to show its new trophy.... It came back to me... so I did the decent thing and belted its snout with the remote making it yelp and drop relax its bum grip.


    I nicked the TV remote too.... but am sat here giggling at the thought of those grubby kids playing chess with a missing peice and sucking the bishop like a pen top with dogs butt musk on it.

    Am I bad man? anyone need a remote for a Phillips tele?
  2. You're a basterd!

    I love it.

    T C
  3. truly inspiring oh, MDN, spawn of the Devil..

    with one small effort you have ruined a man's life and destroyed a home.. The poor bugger's going to come home, take one look at his fat frau in joggers and slump into the couch depressed and wondering how things came to this..his only relief some sports or mindless drivel with nubile hotties on the telly..he'll search for the remote, yell and scream, be abused by the munter in the kitchen, beat the kids about the ears demanding they give it back, kick the dog[ probably Her's anyway and it came with the ' marriage '] and pretty soon, beer bottles will fly, supper will burn, kids will cry, dog will be microwaved and all hell will break loose

    result.. one divorce, murder and carnage possibly...shambles of a life all round..

    damn, wish I'd thought of it.
  4. blue-sophist

    blue-sophist LE Good Egg (charities)

    Obviously the family had never read ARRSE ... they'd never have let you in the house.

    TWO children, FFS ... you must have been over the Moon
  5. you are evil
  6. Better not be, there will be a clawback and I haven't mingled with the poor for no benefit other than jamming a peice of plastic up a dogs dirtbox.

    B_S the dog had better personal hygeine than the kids, Too grubby to tamper with them
  7. blue-sophist

    blue-sophist LE Good Egg (charities)

    I can understand that perspective ... so why go there in the first place?
    Were you in lust over munter-frau?
    Was it a handsome dog?
    Do you like playing with pawns?

    Your revolted public should be told ...
  8. To sell them something they don't need

    Life cover, because in the event of death the claims underwriter would deem their lives worthless and not pay the pikeys out :D
  9. I thought that judging by the above story,you worked for social services.
  10. blue-sophist

    blue-sophist LE Good Egg (charities)

    Ahhhh ... Life Insurance. 8O

    My life is not assured, as I will certainly die.
    But you, Slime-personified, visit Maison Chav to persuade the track-suits that by giving you money it will be OK, as little Charlene-Waynetta and Beckham-Morinho will be looked after for evermore. "Just sign here and give me your house, just in case."

    Was it a pretty dog?
  11. Class-we can't find our VCR remote-you weren't round my house last week were you?-I shall not be putting anything in my mouth for the moment!!
  12. Is that bit in the manual?

    I ask only because I might need some life insurance in the future.... and I might want a second career... LOL!

  13. after reading this im so gagging for you to come and abuse me
  14. YOU are a fawning cnut, and MDN is a bullshitter.
  15. [​IMG]

    MDN at work?