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Cheryl needs protecting any volunteers?


Book Reviewer
I will bring a whole new meaning to the phrase close protection

I left a message on Dermot O Leary's phone offering to do the job in my own individual style hope he passes it on to her


Kit Reviewer
Book Reviewer
Detectives are investigating a rape threat against Cheryl Cole in an answer phone message left on Dermot O'Leary's mobile phone.
Shit. The rozzers are on to me.

Anyone got anywhere I can hide?
She lives a few miles away from me. A friend of a friend fitted her bathroom.

I'll share her address for a pint ;)

She's lovely, I certainly would!
I am afraid acting as close protection to cheryl cole would present me with an insurmountable conflict of interests. Because I would kick her back doors in, swastika her breast bone and then proceed to "spermboard" her - like waterboarding but with spaff and hence slightly slower but at least as, if not moreso, offensive.

Which means I just would not be able to get on top of the accompanying paperwork - risk appreciations, work method statements etc. It would be unprofessional in the extreme of me to take the gig, especially as I would have to lie at the interview about qualifications, injunctions, what I was doing in my pocket, exactly what I was mumbling under my breath. Not on.
Oh the dilemma! I'd probably give her the best 10 secs of my life then, in the post act guilt, do the public a favour.

Annoying Geordie slapper.

Does plod read these forums?
I suspect plod starts these threads actually...which is why my default defence is now "entrapment". It makes a pleasant change from insanity...

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