Army Rumour Service

Register a free account today to become a member! Once signed in, you'll be able to participate on this site by adding your own topics and posts, as well as connect with other members through your own private inbox!

Cheapest funeral

How about 10 litres of unleaded? And a lighter?
Dress the body in a shell suit and soak it in 95 octane before sparking it up. For all the climate change sceptics this also proves your disdain for the environment.
 
A bottle of cheap Lidl whisky, some prescription pain killers and sit on the fence of a large pig pen full of hungry lawyers er sorry I meant pigs. Take tablets, drink whisky, slit wrists and as the life drains away, slump into the pen and let the hogs feast.
 
A bottle of cheap Lidl whisky, some prescription pain killers and sit on the fence of a large pig pen full of hungry lawyers er sorry I meant pigs. Take tablets, drink whisky, slit wrists and as the life drains away, slump into the pen and let the hogs feast.

FFS. You put some thought into that.
 
FFS. You put some thought into that.
Yup, about 5 seconds worth. Mind you as a member of the REA I get a free funeral anyway.
 
Go to Sparkbrook Birmingham and call the profit naughty names.
 
Serious reply - well a bit serious - cremation followed by scattering the ashes somewhere.

You could go to the council and say there are no relatives and no estate (bear in mind that Probate and the Will are public documents and can be seen by anyone) and they will pick up the tab.

You can also leave the body to science and it will be dismantled by a medical student for fun - err - educational purposes.
 
FFS. You put some thought into that.
Beat me to it! I once employed a cleaning lady on a minesite in Tanzania who, I was warned by our nurse was suicidal. There was plenty of opportunity for a self-organised 'disappearance' because of the many deep holes on the land around us (which caused quite a few accidental and otherwise disappearences of those unwary to the danger), and she duly vanished; she had told someone that she was going to do it, though, so a search never took place.
 

BratMedic

LE
Book Reviewer
I already put this in the Goatruder thread but I think it applies here too.
500px-Permeable_pavers_cross_section.png

New patio.
 
Yup, about 5 seconds worth. Mind you as a member of the REA I get a free funeral anyway.


Only because they only expect there to be about a jam jars worth of you left if you fuck up at work. Not like they'll need a coffin. just a spatula to scrape you off the scenery you'll be laminated to.
 
Serious reply - well a bit serious - cremation followed by scattering the ashes somewhere.

You could go to the council and say there are no relatives and no estate (bear in mind that Probate and the Will are public documents and can be seen by anyone) and they will pick up the tab.

You can also leave the body to science and it will be dismantled by a medical student for fun - err - educational purposes.
I offered to leave my body to science, and was sent a long form to fill in by the university concerned. It turns out that they don't want cadavers with the sort of things wrong with them which tend to kill former military types, so bugger off.

Looks like I'll get the cheap cremation option, then.
 
In theory, you can 'do' a funeral for cock-all. I know this as I'm an undertaker.

If you've got some spare wood lying about, you can knock up a box for the deceased. And there's nothing to stop you digging a hole in your back garden and hoiking the cadaver into it.

Sadly, current legislation does not allow for you to take it down to the allotment and dousing it in all that spare cooking oil you've got lying around and lobbing a lit box of Swan Vesta onto it, nor can you build a pyramid out of the rubble you have left over from building that extension and allow the increasing raptor population of UK to do what they do best, in a Zoroastrian/Parsee stylee.

But you don't need to do all that: come to me and I'll do you a nice, stylish one for about 4K*


*that's Mates Rates-don't tell every fooker.
 
Top