Chav Royal Wedding

My eyes and head hurt after the first two paragraphs. Any chance of a fucking translation into English?

Lighter note, loved the 'Chavberry' paint job!
now with a few swigs of buckfast and simple thoughts of a fried mars bar, even this most english of cnuts here could get a grip of an irvine welsh novel but i'm sorry...never under fuckin stood a bastard word of that article....
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