Chav Martial Art

Chavs have become a recognized subgroup in England but up here in God’s chosen land (or Scotland as the peasants south of the border know it) we have been studying the equivalent … called Neds (Glasgow) or Schemies (Edinburgh) for some time. They even have their own martial art….

This is known as Weejitsu.
The rules are simple:
Brightly decorated costume- only the finest shellsuits by the best sports suppliers will do (Kappa being a traditional favourite).
Badly balanced weapons- ashtrays, beer glasses etc. Chibs are reserved for F*k-u (see later). These should be thrown close too, but not at, the rival group.

Ritual combat- lots of leaning on lamp posts until the rivals come along. Taunting from a distance, running close but not so close as to be in danger. The idea is that the two rival leaders ought to get into shoving range but rely on the fact that their respective mates will pull them apart in the nick of time- usually by the hoods of their shell suits.

Traditional posture and calls- the sleeves of the shell suit jacket ought to have been ritually pulled down to their elbows, trapping the person's own arms. The hands are raised palms inwards and the age-old rallying cry of "Yer Ma!" is shouted.The correct reply is "Yer Ma's Ma!", "Smell ya Ma!" and so on. Think of street Sumo.This continues until the police arrive.

This is the traditional streeet fighting form of Scotland. It involves much alcohol, lots of headbutting and ends with lots of kicking your rival on the floor. Chibs are allowed (indeed expected in some quarters) and is a "true" martial art, unlike Weejitsu, which is a junior sport form. Two large women should stand to one side hurling abuse at each other and calling the traditional cry of "Tam/Shug/Rab. Leave him. He's nae worth it!". The participants should be the best of pals by the following week's drinking.

Kappa Wearer
The dance form of Scotland's Ned-can-do. Take a large amount of eccies and eggs before going out. Down a bottle of Buckfast and enter a nightclub- preferably underage. Proceed to throw up on the dance floor and burl about in yer own vomit doing that dance that you saw them doing in Ibiza on the TV.
If you bump into a bloke, lear until they challenge you to a bout of Weejitsu. If it is female assess her social status by the number of scrunchies in her hair and the amount of 9ct gold she has on her hands and ears. This will give a good indication as to her benefits income which will lead to some more beer money for you and a new wean for her.

West Coast Weejistu variations includes the 'square go' where an initial disagreement between two neds leads to one on one combat surrounded by the in-duh-viduals associated gangs. This is the rarest form of combat because as soon as one combatant starts to 'shite himself', his friends will jump in leading to a free for all. This is effectively an unarmed Rami.

The 'Rami'
Basically Weejitsu for small unit tactics. Here a small grouping will take on another grouping. This is likely to be from another geographic area ie 20 yards up the road or because they support another soccer team (usually having religious ties). Weapons are required and will include
- a 'bit of wid' (usually recovered from a skip or dumpster likely to be from a skirting board)
- a hammer (nicked from ma da's toolkit - the loss of which will take some explaining)
- a baseball bat - wits baseball? a game or sommat?
- a 9 iron or putter

Combat tactics follow traditional lines where each side faces off with the combatants in the front rank (in loose skirmish order) and their slags following on behind in a tight group with their arms crossed across their chests. This formation parallels that of many medieval asiatic horsearcher tribes. There will be posturing/abuse/pretend attacks until one side decides it is either outnumbered, outmanoeuvred or just shites itself. It will begin a slow retreat back towards its home turf. The other side will advance shouting abuse and taunting but not advancing too fast ... just in case they should accidentally catch up with the retreaters. About this stage the police (called by local residents) will arrive, possibly with helicopter support. The neds will now flee, scattering with everyman for himself. Weapons will be thrown away. For those who had their fathers/brothers/uncles putter/9 iron/hammer there will be some hasty explaining later.
Those taken by the polis (pronounced poe-lis) should under no account grass up (inform upon) their mates ... for at least 1 hour giving them a chance to find an alibi. Unfortunately this will usually involve hiding in the coal shed/wheelie bin/in the loft and then claiming 'I never done nothin like' when discovered.
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