It seems these days that theres way too many "celebrities" on the go and far too many of them are famous for no apparent reason. Others are just irritating on a truly mind boggling scale. Some may call me curmudgeonly, sour, cynical or merely old fashioned. So in keeping with the trend for shows like celebrity big brother etc why not a new show where lucky members of the public get the chance to select appropriate modes of death for the celebrity of their choice and carry out said sentence on live TV. I have added a few choice names already and will update the list as I remember who I find to be a true waste of oxygen. Suggestions are welcome. Paris Hilton........Guillotine Beckham and his missus (who is about as posh as old man Steptoe)......... Dragged at the end of a rope behind a car around a rally course. All other overpaid footballers and their annoying wives..........coralled on a football pitch with mortar bombs raining down All big brother contestants past and present.........Used as test subjects for the latest new improved formula of NAPALM. I exempt Jade Goody from this sentence as I am wracking my brain for a really harsh fate for the fat hog. Suggestions welcome. Noel Edmonds........Strangled with his own intestines. Alan Sugar.........Drowned in a vat of liquid shite. Margaret Thatcher........Thrown into a blast furnace. The duo known as "Ant and Dec".......Their yapping tongues torn from their heads with a pair of rusty pliers then throw the mercifully speechless geordie wankers into a pit full of starving dogs. Esther Rantzen........Lowered slowly into a vat of highly concentrated acid...feet first. Pete Docherty........what can I say.......skinned alive slowly while liberal amounts of vinegar and lemon juice are applied to the areas already de-skinned. Then thrown in the starving dog pit already used for "Ant and Dec" I can see the dog pit being useful in future. Anne Robinson........Head slammed in a doorway until her eyes pop out and her brain leaks from her ears. Simon Cowell........forced to endure Jade Goody as a cellmate in a cage suspended above the starving dog pit until I can think of an appropriate fate for at least one of them. Again suggestions welcome. David Dickinson.......Stoned to death by an angry mob wielding tubs of fake tan rather than stones....So that would be tanned to death I suppose. The guy from the Phones 4 You adverts........all his fingers broken in several places with a brick, annoying yapping tongue torn out a la "Ant and Dec" then crucified on a phone mast atop a high building. Hope it takes him a long time to die. Cilla Black..........Thrown from a high building Jordan........concrete slippers first (with extra concrete in case all that silicon makes the gobby bint extra buoyant). Then dropped off for a swim in the worlds deepest known stretch of water (Marianas Trench might be the place). Jamie Oliver......hacked to death in a frenzied machette attack the next time he opens his trap (which cant be long) I personally volunteer to do the frenzied machette work. While it is a dirty job someone has to do it. The choicest cuts of Oliver will be thrown to the starving dogs firstly to keep them alive and secondly to keep Cowell and Goody from getting bored. George W Bush........Kidnapped and dropped off for a stroll through one of downtown Baghdads "nicer neighbourhoods". His beheading should be viewable on the internet pretty soon.