Caught by Surprise

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by convoy_cock, May 12, 2006.

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  1. I went to the hospital yesterday.

    I'm having the snip in August, so I went to see the consultant for a chat about the procedure. He referred to it as a counselling session.

    He went through all the usual questions....

    "Sooo.... Convoy? Do you know anything about the procedure?"

    "I've read up a bit about it."

    "Would you like a general anaesthetic?"

    "No thanks, just the local"

    He made a couple of notes then warned me of some of the risks. I'm no daft c-unt and fully intend to milk the biff chit on this one like billy-o. Unlike my mate, who had it done under local, then went straight back to work.... ON HIS FCUKING BIKE. It was only when the local wore off that he realised that he'd been sat on one of his own spuds for the entire ride. His knacker looked like it had a fight with Ken Shamrock.

    After a couple more questions he said,

    "Do you mind if I bring a couple of first year med students in?"

    I thought about it for a sec. Manchester is full of the w-ankers. Rag mag selling, wacky antic performing ponces most of 'em, but I thought, we've all got to learn and it's only a counselling session, so I said,

    "Fine"

    He disappeared then came back in with two, ridiculously good looking girls, both looking a bit nervous and smiley. I smiled at them and he continued the session with them looking in.

    "Right Convoy, what do you work as?"

    "A Radio Engineer"

    "Does that involve much manual activity"

    "A bit"

    "Well you'll have to take it easy for about a week."

    "Fine"

    He then turned to the girls and said,

    "Would either of you like to ask Mr Co-ck a question"

    The prettier of the two, thought for a second and said

    "How old is your youngest child"

    "Ermmm... 14 months"

    She nodded as if i'd imparted some crucial information, but I was well aware of her simple blag, having spent years pretending i'm interested in things.

    The consultant, incidentally called Mr Payne then hit me with it.

    "Right Convoy, could you just let us have a quick look at your undercarriage?"

    Oh for fcuks sake!!!!!!! It wasn't that I minded getting my knob out in front of two women. In fact, with a bit of cheesy synth pop playing in the background it could have been a classic start to something starring Ron Jeremy. No, the cu-nt had took me completely by surprise, rendering it impossible to get a bit of blood into the old fella. My willy was on full-shrivel and when I dropped my kecks and looked down there was a mini white-chocolate walnut whip sticking out of my bush. I had to do a double take. I thought 'fcuk me, you little bas-tard. Of all the times to go hiding' Not only that, but there was a faint reek of Berocca strength lag floating around the room as well. I didn't dare look at the two girls, but you didn't need to be a telepathist to know that they were going to be pi-ssing their sides laughing as soon as I was out of earshot. It didn't seem appropriate to turn to them and say

    "I know it looks little, but i've got 6 and a half inches on lob. Honest" I wish I had now. They must have been thinking

    "How the fcuk can he stuff that thing into a fa-nny, let alone get someone pregnant five times. He doesn't need a fcuking vasectomy. He's wasting NHS time, the skiving rod"

    All this time, Mr Payne is poking my spuds, whilst talking about vas deferens etc. When he'd finished, I pulled my y-fronts up so aggresively, one of my teds was left dangling outside like a stranded climber.

    I'm thinking about complaining. I've just checked my appointment letter. It just says to bring a sample. At no point does it state

    "Please be aware, that the doctor will be feeling your widgy and balls whilst two dolly birds have a good laugh at you. You may want to have half a wa-nk before you come in, just to make it look decent. You may also want to coax your tezzies out as well, by dangling them in some hot water for a while. This will allow you to bring your meat and two veg up to CO's inspection standards."

    Have any other arrsers suffered similar levels of humiliation?
     
  2. Fang_Farrier

    Fang_Farrier LE Reviewer Book Reviewer

    Nah, it's you with the small dick!
     
  3. msr

    msr LE

    I think I know why the girls were suppressing a giggle....

    msr
     
  4. Phrase used for comic effect only
     
  5. msr

    msr LE

    Yeah, yeah, just like this one ;)

    I think you need to make a full and frank confession.

    msr
     
  6. Ah penile panic! Don't worry Convoy it's a natural reaction to someone discussing the prospect of cutting into your gonads.

    I had a similar experience last year when the doc produced the old eight inch long cotton bud. Todger shrinkingly terrifying!
     
  7. Err, about 20 students watching over the surgeons shoulder as he rummaged around in my sack.
     
  8. Ah, thay were only little 1st years- probably giggling 'cos they've never seen bo**ocks before in a clinical setting and were worried that they would have to do the examination. Count yourself lucky that they were only little...clinical years and they would have been all over you with their cold numbing hands.
     
  9. Ord_Sgt

    Ord_Sgt RIP

    Mate I know just where you’re coming from. Recently discovered a lump in my groin and nipped off to see the doctor a bit worried about what it might be. Made an appointment for the next day and guess what, hot young thing in her early thirties! Explained the problem and she said whip the tweeds down and let’s have a look. As you say was not the most impressive sight with full on shrivel!! Anyway she decides that it’s probably best to have it removed.

    Of Ord pops to the outpatient clinic at the local hospital to have the thing cut out and the surgeon turns out to be another hot young thing. Nothing as embarrassing as a dood looking woman staring at your knob and it looks like you’re the not too proud owner of a shriveled walnut!! Anyway she cuts it out and sews me back up. There’s nothing more nerve racking than lying there on the table feeling tugging and cutting (no pain of course) around the region of your old fella!! Not fun at all.

    Anyway finally pop off home afterwards and about a week later some of the stitches split open leaving a gaping wound. Rushed off to casualty and guess what, another fcuking hot young woman doctor!!! She’s prodding away saying ‘not a big deal’ and ‘don’t worry’, then while she’s explaining what needs to be done to fix me up she’s just staring at my groin!! Well I think I'm scarred for life now, no pun intended.

    Thank fcuk I’ll never meet any of them again. Imagine bumping into one of them in the pub when she’s out with her mates!?
     
  10. Had the same when I went for a check up at the clap clinic! Really rather nice looking young nurse staring at the meat and veg, which caused a prompt shrinking effect and then the cotton bud bit down the Jap's Eye causing the little fella to go into full tactical withdrawal. Very embarrassing!
     
  11. A very similar story to convoys, here goes a good few years ago I went for a medical, the full drop and cough job, and was asked to produce a urine sample, no problems, doc produces little spatula things and dips them in the sample, and discovers blood in the urine.

    Doc asks loads of questions "clanker,has it ever burnt when pissing, and have you ever noticed any discolouration in the urine" all answered with a firm no.

    An examination is called for,the night before the examination, I had to take two industrial strength exlax, in the morning my whole world had changed, goodbye to everything I had ever eaten it seemed, nothing to eat before the examination only drink water, fine .

    The first part was quite pleasant "lay on the x-ray table, clanker, get comfortable and we will inject this chemical and x-ray you as it goes through"

    Will it hurt my only question, tough me see, "no you will feel a warm feeling in the kidneys and a bitter taste in your mouth" and they were right it was actually quite pleasant.

    Result nothing conclusive further test required.

    Appointment is made for second examination, I rock up addmitted to day beds, first clue that this is different to last time, get given a gown, second clue, or thing that only just covers your knees and leaves your ars half exposed and freezing, wait for doc.

    Doc arrives "ah, clanker, what we are going to do is give you a local and use the endoscope to have a look in your bladder for any bleeding" me being I suppose thick, thought little hole in the side and a look around, couple stitches, home, tea, sympathy from missus and medals.

    NO,NO,NO, this was the procedure a toothpaste type tube with a nozzle is pushed into the end of little clanker and the tube squeezed so the contents, enter my uretha and apparently are anaesthetic, no it hurt, no wonder he was talking to me, then a clip is put on the base of little clanker to keep the anaesthetic where it should be, and doc will be back in 10-15 mins.

    10-15 mins later the doc arrives back, little clanker is now 2" long and trying to hide inside me and does not seem any less sensitive, plus I am sweating like a blind lesbo in a fish factory, I am wheeled out the day beds to the theatre, where i am told to hop up onto the bed, the full procedure is explained .

    The endoscope about the thickness of a pencil, will be inserted into little clanker, saline is pumped in to expand the bladder and the doc will have a look round for anything unusual, I am thinking you do not need to look that far, this can`t be normal.

    So of we go tube is pushed in god knows what it would have been like without the anaesthetic, but this bloody hurt, I am wriggling like a worm on a hook, and be comforted!! by two nurses who are saying " its ok , clanker its allright".

    No!! its not I have a tube coming out of little clanker, saline solution is pissing out of him, and all over my lower half , my bladder is bursting, it has never held or not so much in its life, and its bloody uncomfortable, " nearly over, clanker" says doc then pulls the bloody tube out in one go, jesus f'#ing christ that stung.

    Doc arrives good news " clanker, we could not see anything" great all that for nothing I thought, " you might want to urinate, if so tell one of the nurses", as an adult I think no, I think i can manage, WRONG!!!! about 2 gallon it seems comes out and I nearly pass out, as its like pissing razor blades, the inside now being a bit raw from the tube coming out.

    About an hour later I am allowed to go home, it`s still uncomfortable, but not so bad, on the way out I see the two nurses who say" don`t worry it will get better" or I think thats what they said or was it "don`t worry it will get bigger".

    Now the nurse`s one was particularly memorable as it was a girl I was at school with, she was the foxiest thing at our school in 5th form, I always wanted her to get to see little clanker, but not 2" and with a pipe coming out of him, so I hope we never have a school reunion because I will probably end up saying something like " do you want to see him nows he is better/ bigger" then get slapped.

    The blood, apparently its from the kidneys, but not to worry about, unless it is visible or burns, OR I put on too much weight and creatine is being lost in my urine, happy ending, I think!
     
  12. Cnuts!!

    Feckin crying with laughter here.

    Pulled a chest muscle in the gym yesterday & it hurts like a bastard when i laugh.

    FFS stop it.

    Pete
     

  13. fuck me! Bit drastic isn't it? She could have at least suggested enlargement surgery
     
  14. Convoy I really do sympathise mate.... my experience wasn't the same but I'm sure the levels of embarassment were on the same plain.

    Newly arrived Junior Leader, Jan 1988 issued coveralls and a cap with no badge and then got shouted out for the remainder of the night, by what I thought were the hardest, nastiest men on the planet.

    The following moring, we were mustered and made to march like puppets to the med centre for what we were told was a routine medical.

    Not a problem not bothered about getting my kitt off in front of a doctor, yes I hoped it wasn't a fit woman but I honmestly thought my fear would control it.

    In a line of 60 other lads we were told to take our tops and trousers off... one fat medic would go down one side giving us a jab, while the doctor checked out our reflex's and fondled our nobs.

    I was more bothered about the jab, being a bit wet at 16..... but I wasn't prepared for the reaction that I got from my beloved champ.

    I felt blood drain from my head and feet, my fingers curled up even the fluid from the jab I'd just had charged towards the end of my helmet.

    Within three quarters of a second, I presented the old man who was cupping my tezzies with a lob on that Team Everest wouldn't be able to sink a crampon into.
     
  15. GAH!! this has triggered flashbacks..

    recall a time, some years back, when the Rocketeer had less of a paunch and darker hair. Rocketeer and the Good Padre found themselves ' sans kids' for an afternoon and decided, spontaneously, to exploit the situation. Caught up ' in the moment ' I closed the boudoir door but failed to secure it. Stalwart canine companion[ gorgeous Chesapeake Bay Retreiver.. but dumb as a brick ], thinking her mistress was under attack, raced up the stairs and launched herself at the ' perp ' [ me ] landing four square on Rocket Junior in pre-launch mode.. Much screaming, cursing, barking [ not entirely from dog ] and , after calming down from her fit of laughter, solicitous support from Missus.

    Rocketeer with extreme reluctance took himself to family medico for remedial action. To her benefit, Doc refrained from smirking and managed only to turn pink, rather than purple in suppressing her laughter. Was referred to a ' specialist '

    An aside: I can fully understand why guys and lesbos want to go into gynocology - they get to play with p*ssies all day. But why would a perfectly hetero fellow want to spend his days poking other guys' johnsons? surely the money isn't worth the ridicule?

    Anyway. To the Urologist goes the Rocketeer who arranges a clinic/exam. Found myself on the day in question mimicing a pregnant mother.. Short table, nether region exposed, feet in stirrups..[ why does it have to face the entrance and not be discreetly turned away from the well travelled halls? ]..

    Doc insists that an ' internal' exam is only way to determine extent of damage and hauls out a f**king great needle and proceeds, reasuringly, of course, that it will be only slightly uncomfortable.. Shoves the bayonet in to the hilt through the outport and releases what feels like 30 weight oil cooled to absolute zero [ just a mild anesthetic ] Insists that the uncontrollable shivering will pass and to let him know when it does as it will indicate the ' freezing' has taken hold..

    At this moment a rather comely nurse enters the room, looks pointedly at wee willie winkie and then asks ' How are we, today? " She snaps on the latex gloves, slathers on some ointment and proceeeds to grasp the Rocketeer's vital appendage twixt finger and thumb and then ' straightens it out' , as it were . Doc slips on Borg implant over his eyes, one eye has coloured lens, the other has a flexible tube snaking out from it, which to this old fella's astonishment he begins to feed into Rocket Junior..GEEZUS!!..

    Doc begins running commentary [ don't know if it is for my benefit or the titilation of the nurse ] explaining the condition and the nature and origin of the injury [ suppressed snickers - definitly heard snickering ].. Doctor used words like ' inflamation - tearing - bruising ' then yanked out probe [ OMFG!!] and doffed Sci-Fi specs..

    Deffo screw up in the privates on parade says he.. Prepares an injection to counter ' swelling ' and says will prescribe some pills to control inflamation, etc. etc.. oh, and no ' use of facilities ' for six weeks and.. um.. in future.. lock door or chain dog to remote location..

    lucky it wasn't permanently bent.. Suggest read about Payrone's Disease [ SP?].. Nurse seemed to take delight in snapping the latex gloves loudly as she tossed them into the wheelie bin..

    Rocketeer is sure he is a footnote in some Medical Journal or , at least, Medical Humour magazine somewhere..

    The Doctor, BTW, was named Dr. Stubbs [ real guy.. look him up on the Weeb.. he has an international rep for developing a sugical technique for penile enhancement/enlargement - something, of course, I had no need of ]