Caught between a wife, a mother and a mother-in-law

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by Devil_Dog, Sep 8, 2007.

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  1. Due to stupidity on my part and the communication crisis that abounds between me and Mrs DD, I inadvertently invited my mother and my Mother-in-law to come visit. Same day same time!

    After this recent episode ( in which I was womanhandled by Mrs DD, I fear I might have chewed more than I can spit. And this is why:

    List of characters involved in this saga:

    My mother- She takes no crap from no one. She has been married thrice. Has no patience for fools and the weak minded. Presumably why she almost gave me up for adoption when I was three. She absolutely dislikes me wife. Once overheard calling her "a product of ignorance and backseat lust," after which she wondered loudly for everybody in the pub to hear something about where was a gun when you really needed it.

    My mother-in-law- Vicious and unrepentant. She is on her fourth marriage. Current hubby suffering from symptoms consistent with arsenic poisoning. Doctor thinks he has less than six months to live, which is exactly when his pension kicks in. She has conviced him to take numerous life insurance policies that will ensure she lives a millionaire for the rest of her life. Or until she gets remarried and then she will be a multi-millionaire. She doesn't get along too well with her daughter.

    Most of her angst comes from the fact that she had the audacity to marry beneath her.

    Mrs DD- Nice girl really, if you look past the domestic violence she regularly practices on me. And the fact that she spends more than I earn. And the fact that divorce is not an option because she holds certain title deeds that would bankrupt me if she decided to go ahead and exercise her powers over me. Oh, lets not forget that I think she is "seeing" another woman. She also hates my mom and has on several occassions threathened to "get even with that sorry bitch."

    Me- Innocent young man caught in the middle of what I like to call a menstrual calamity. Brings to stark perspective what me old grandpa used to say: "Never ever trust an animal that can bleed for days without dying." Truer words have never been spoken.

    It is too late to cancel the invitations but I got the police on speed dial. I am about to go take an inventory of the first-aid kit. I have also begun hiding all the sharp object I can find around the house. My backpack is packed and ready to go at a moment's notice. I have a feeling that in the next few days, I will be thumbing for rides to the mountains, never to be seen again as I live the rest of my life fishing and hunting for my food.
  2. Go fishing
  3. I do say ... nice to have seen yall! Alsaka far?
  4. Most of that post was a load of bollox, but the part in bold got me interested, care to elaborate?
  5. thats what sprung out at me as well

    are the Lezzers cute
  6. Join the French Foreign Legion mate, cos you are fecked.
  7. Easy, leave a load of loaded fire arms dotted around the house and go fishing for the weekend. When you get home ALL your problems will be solved.
  8. Sixty

    Sixty LE Moderator Book Reviewer
    1. ARRSE Cyclists and Triathletes

  9. put it this way, how much will you inherit if they kill each other?

    thats me trying to show you that there are positive sides to everything! :twisted:

  10. Biped

    Biped LE Book Reviewer

    Sounds like the best thing you can do is top yourself. Nobody that stupid deserves to live.

    You chose your missus, and along with that goes the mother-in-law (yes, I know, there's nothing you can do about your mother, but nevertheless, it's a bed of your own making sucker.

    The only light at the end of the tunnel is the bean-flicking. If you can't get to join in, use a P.I. to get your rights on divorce.

    Alternatively, follow the mother-in-law's technique and get yourself some arsenic!
  11. Honest M'Lord I went to the offie to get the two mums a bottle of Diamond White Cider and when I returned I found there had been a gas leak and both mothers were dead. On the bright side my wife and her lesbian lover had nipped outside for a quickie and both survived so were living as a threesome in Spain on our inheriance. :D

    Get a good lawyer with your winnings (sorry inheritance) and your sorted.
  12. Ha Ha, Yer Fcuked
  13. Devil Dog, you are clearly a weak fcuk and the women in your life are whores.

    Your mother is on her third marraige as the mother in law on her fourth, neither can keep a man and they cleary crave angry c0ck....., give it them both, and with a broken nose each thrown in.

    Your wife is seeing another woman because you cant satisfy her and another lady tongues her budgies beak to completion because you can't

    Bankrupcy isn't forever and there are birds out there that aren't moronic pissfaces who wish they were men.

    Leave home, slaughter any pets any of them own and ensure you arrsefcuk any siblings your dyke has.
  14. Saint's half right - but Interpol check the FFL recruits now so I would suggest a quick VSO trip to Tuvalu or St Helena (Gough Island sounds like a nice place for a chap in your position :lol: )
  15. No wonder your wife knocks fcuk out of you, you whining Spetic lezzer