Categories of Uniform Fetishists

Discussion in 'Officers' started by Bushmills, Oct 4, 2011.

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  1. In keeping with the theme of my thread pertaining to daft recruiting questions (and because I have too much time on my hands as work is slow at the moment), I would like to start a similar thread pertaining to silly questions relating to the wearing of uniforms. that are found on this site
    I would suggest that the questions fall into five broad categories and are determined by the nature of the OP namely the Angel Gabriel, the Captain Mainly-Waring, the Pte Piss-taker, Corporal Punishment- Fetish and the more sinister Captain McIlwraith.

    Angel Gabriel
    The Angel Gabriel is a nice chap who wants to let all his online mates know that he has recently achieved a well deserved promotion but is too modest to say “Lads I’ve just been promoted Sergeant, WO2, 2Lt or Major”; therefore, he asks questions about:
    • buying mess kit,
    • where to buy pace sticks,
    • service dress; and
    • field officer cap bling.

    Despite the obvious response of “go and ask your PMC, Adj, Training Major or mates who have recently been promoted”, this tends to elicit a fairly mild response from users but the detail provided makes Arrse essential reading to the last category the Captain McIlwraith. I therefore suggest that a suitable response should be a simple “congratulations”.

    Captain Mainly-Wearing
    Again, Captain Mainly-Wearing is quite an innocuous sort of a bloke, modest career and takes an inordinate pride in his TA/ACF/CCF commission as he believes that it elevates his social standing to that of an “officer and a gentleman”.

    Therefore, he asks questions about:
    • swords,
    • blue patrols,
    • pinkie rings; and
    • swagger sticks
    He is often tempted to get married or attend civilian “functions” in his “uniform”. However, his lack of contacts within his “Regiment/Corps”, (which is whatever cap badge the kids in his care happen to wear) combined with his modest income means that he ends up “Mainly-Wearing” (but not quite) the proper kit and he risks the pantomime effect seen in the recently propagated photo.

    I recommend that each regiment or corps maintains a suitably tailored correct dress uniform and mess kit specifically for the use of overweight middle aged ACF subbies. This will minimise and mitigate the risk of making the Regiment or Corps a laughing stock. I further propose that a response to their queries on here should be a referral to said supply of uniforms.

    Pte Piss-taker
    A bored individual, probably an OR/JNCO, who is whiling away a slow afternoon trying to wind up the WO/officer classes (represented by the Angel Gabriel and Captain Mainly-Wearing) by asking absurd questions like:

    • Can I get married wearing my grandad’s old HAC Pikeman’s uniform?
    • Can I attend a ball dressed as an SAS Colonel if I remove all the badges?
    • Is it ok to wear my dad’s medals on my number 2’s?
    • I saw this teenaged bloke at Remembrance Sunday wearing a Guards Tie, a sandy beret, a VC and Boer War medals; do you think he may be a Walt?

    A bit of innocuous piss taking never goes astray and anybody who bites is as daft as they are.

    Corporal Punishment- Fetish
    There are people who derive sexual excitement from dressing in Military kit. Last time I was in Mayfair, I walked past a queue of Japanese Admirals, SS Obergruppen, USMC Colonels , Idi Amein look alikes and a few Para/ SAS Majors and Richard Sharpe clones outside a fetish ball. I would be surprised if some of these strange individuals did not find expression of their fetish on this site but tbh I have no idea what sort of questions they would ask but probably involve riding crops, jack boots and spurs!

    Captain McIlwraith
    Mad or Bad Walts will no doubt scour this site for tips to enhance their fantasy or to gain credibility for their scams. Therefore, I would treat any queries about Para, SAS, SBS or RM uniforms, the order of gallantry medals or the wearing of kilts with extreme scepticism.

    Therefore, to get to my point, are there any categories I have missed and what is the most stupid question that each category might ask?
    • Like Like x 2
  2. God, I thought this thread was going to be about something completely different.

    How disappointing.
    • Like Like x 2
  3. army.jpg

    Sorry does this meet expectations?
    • Like Like x 1
  4. Brotherton Lad

    Brotherton Lad LE Reviewer

    Don't see Fig 11s like the one on the left every day.
  5. Same here, I was reminded of an Ex that had a thing for Mess Kit ........ Caroline, where are you now???

    How about

    Major No Longer Cares

    An LE or passed over Major who no longer gives a toss. Sam Browne stretched beyond a saddlers wet dream, buttons under strain on No1s, with forage cap sitting like a pimple on top of his comb over.

    "If it ain't issued, no need for it". Thinks PCS/ MTP is an emerging political party and thinks "out and down" refers to his increasing paunch. A loft full of chinese fighting suits, Falklands parkas, trops, dessies and decaying jungle boots that he'll take back to the store "one day".

    Not looking forward to the GDJM as it will mean yet another trip to the Garrison tailor, but this time, thanks to the new Tory administration, it will cost him hundreds.

    Dares to wear the "Devils Cloth" in the Mess on weekends cos he no longer gives a shit, even if that does mean he is clocked by the 29 year old Lt Col who spends his weekends in studying for his MBA.

    Actually wears a beret with the badge over the left eye and has his trousers bloused.

    Prefers to wear his smock all winter and exchange it every April rather than wash it, cos he and the Aspire bloke have an understanding.

    Brigade flashes are three postings out of date.
  6. Spoiler Alert:

    Err.....Bushy me 'ol mate, I do believe that this thread has been done in a slightly different context. That being the various 'types' in the army. You know the thrusting young JNCO that can't do any wrong and has destiny written all over him. The shellback SGT who moans about 'the old days' and about as much chance of getting a Warrant as Freo Dockers winning the Grand Final (Australian humour thrown in). The fat old slag half track WRAC who pedigree hales back to Dale Farm (see, I do watch the news on the tele), anyway, you get the concept.
  7. Thanks for that mate!

    I probably did not make the purpose of this thread clear enough but I am trying to find a reasonable explanation for some of the bone questions about uniforms that appear on this site (partic in Officer's and SNCO's sections) and trying to work out the underlying motivations behind the questions. Accordingly, I categorise a few recent posts:

    Angel Gabriel AKA I want to let my mates know I've been promoted but don't want to be seen bragging about it directly

    Captain Mainly-Wearing aka My ACF Commission provides meaning to my otherwise drab existance.

    Pte Piss-taker AKA I'm bored on stag and am looking for someone to wind up.
    Corporal Punishment- Fetishaka I get off by wearing puttees and DMS!
    Captain McIlwraith AKA Fantasist or Con Artist

    Hope this clarifies post.
    • Like Like x 1
  8. May I suggest these gentlemen for consideration? I'm not sure how to classify them (sad, delusional, just plain fat perhaps...?)

    • Like Like x 1
  9. Aw bless em! Don't be mean they're cute!

    Rowallan Coy's finest!