Carpe the Englishness Day.


Book Reviewer
I heard this on the radio the other day but I cant find a link to it so maybe it was an acid flashback?

Some Muppet politico jumping on the ”What does it mean to be English” bollocks and grabbing a cheap headline has suggested a Bank Holiday day should become Englishness Day. Aside from the fact this is prejudice against lispers, you’ll note they aint giving us an extra holiday, just nicking one we already own. That’ll be the canny Scots who run ZANU Labour plc then?

At first I was seething. I don’t worry about my ticker. It gets plenty of exercise just listening to the radio.

But then it occurred to me. This is an absolute gift from the Gods and deserves our full support.

Imagine PC Coonsils the length of the land trying to find ways to spend our money on that one without pissing off the Ethnics, the special ones, the Greens and the people who don’t like a beer, like a laugh or girls with big tits?

The Coonsil run two big, expensive festivals on our Town Moor. The Green Festival and the Melia, an Asian festival full of cheap tat and schoolkids trying to do Bollywood in the rain. Since the wife flat refuses to wear her mink coat to the former, or allow me to ask who won the Indian Mutiny at the second, I am confined to asking people if the know how we came by this fine Town Moor?

“No? Ah. It was donated by Lord Armstrong. He invented the Armstrong gun. The Chinese called it ‘The Black Trumpet Of Satanic Death’. A fine piece of kit.”

Anyway, I’m sure I don’t need to describe these dismal events where we sponsor Swampies and Punjabi Pikeys from Bradford to come and try to sell us eco shoes and hooky tom.

If the Coonsil tossers try to patronise me with an Englishness Day along these lines I really shall go postal and kick off. Which would have me in the dog house with the Memsahib.

We must Carpe the Diem before they Carpe it for us.

If somebody could pop over to Rum Ration and tell the chaps we’d like HMS Northumberland back for the day and last time she was here I really wasn’t joking when I asked who I’d have to bung to take out Sunderland with a missile then say it was a mistake. I could raise £500,000 on match day in the Black Bull alone. Add in the Strawberry, Three Bulls Heads and the Adelphi and some Jolly Jack Tar is looking at a nice retirement on his release. I'd pop over myself but I am still considered a good looking man. And one hears rumours, you know?

This could be the one and only occasion where I am prepared to stand shoulder to shoulder with Chav scum. We’re English. We like to get ratted and invade places. Like the Civic Centre.

What will you do to Carpe the Englishness Day?

Similar threads

Latest Threads