Cant even fire a blank

#1
Dear Aunty ARRSE

Last night, whilst lying in my pit with Mrs Hammy, I decided since I couldnt sleep to crack one out whilst she was asleep. I couldnt be arrsed to vacate to the porn suite, or the spare room as its known so decided, since she seemed sound asleep, to knock a quick one into the quilt. Anyway, whilst approaching ground zero Mrs H awoke and politely queried what the feck was I doing spanking into the quilt when her chuff was ready, willing and able. So, not one to refuse an offer - I continued to do the wild thing with the Mrs. Now, this is where my problem, as I had been near the vinegar strokes with the spank, the Mrs expected me to start from scratch with the usual fondling, stroking, licking and punching. When it came to blast off, my weapon jammed and just wouldnt go bang. I tried all the usual drills but nothing worked. I found my mind wandering to events that had happened the previous day, what was happening the next day and so forth and my mind simply wasnt on the task of boning the mrs whilst she talked about a three some with her best mate.

So, aunty Arrse, what am I to do? is this the first step into middle age and drooping willies, tatty juice and viagra?

Please help

Yours, ballsfittoburst, The Toon
 
#2
You've got this all wrong........your worrying about nothing, take yourself away, have a fag and coffee before the realisation sets in that you are infact firing on all cylinders and the problem lies with her..............have you considered a part ex?
 
#4
Would be happy to help, but full professional advice would necessitate a personal consultation with your partner. You will need to be absent, in order that she may speak freely. PM her details and I'll arrange a home visit.
 
#5
Enjoy it. Not blowing should have you banging like a porn star.

Adopt an air of arrogance, put your cowboy boots on and do her doggy with your hand on your hip.
 
#6
dingerr said:
Enjoy it. Not blowing should have you banging like a porn star.

Adopt an air of arrogance, put your cowboy boots on and do her doggy with your hand on your hip.
And a nonchalant attitude as you look over your shoulder into the mirror :)
 
#7
dingerr said:
Enjoy it. Not blowing should have you banging like a porn star.

Adopt an air of arrogance, put your cowboy boots on and do her doggy with your hand on your hip.
Dingerr, you forgot the watch, a great big fcuk off gold watch...
 
#8
Im considering going for the kinetic solution, a home movie made with my ex before I married the current Mrs H, Im sure she will appreicate that this will help me through this rough patch.
 
#9
You also need to keep your socks on you'll need a perm, bushy moustache and some vamping Hammond organ background music. Or, so I'm told...
 
#10
hammy123 said:
Im considering going for the kinetic solution, a home movie made with my ex before I married the current Mrs H, Im sure she will appreicate that this will help me through this rough patch.
Maybe Mrs H's home made movie with her ex (and Leroy, bubba and the rest of the boyz from the hood) will help.
 
#11
hammy123 said:
Im considering going for the kinetic solution, a home movie made with my ex before I married the current Mrs H, Im sure she will appreicate that this will help me through this rough patch.
A 'danger wank'? Guaranteed to have the japanese sniper within a few strokes.
 
#12
I hope she dosent recognise the room, its the same house you see

She may also recognise some of the visual and vocal traits, I may need to revise my act and go for a new style of sh*gging, maybe 1970's man as mentioned, or hippie man or something. If I stick to "come on you feckin fat b*tch, make me come or I'll tw*t you one", she may see the similarities with the vid.
 
#14
762baynet said:
hammy123 said:
Im considering going for the kinetic solution, a home movie made with my ex before I married the current Mrs H, Im sure she will appreicate that this will help me through this rough patch.
A 'danger *'? Guaranteed to have the japanese sniper within a few strokes.
I feel she is being unfair in my hour of need, she has always mentioned about a threesome, but when I keep asking she bottles it. I think she would appreciate it if I took the initiative and got her mate pished and brought her back to the house. What do you reckon?
 
#15
Check out this link

http://onania.org/asm/archives/1612

You have a speshul medical condition called autosexual orientation.

The term covers men who are reliant on a completely constant form of self-stimulation as well as those who get used to such an “idiosyncratic” style of stimulation that they disable their ability to ejaculate during regular sex. When the sex that you have with yourself is so perfect that you can’t translate it into sex with someone else, you have a problem. Dr David Goldmeier, a sexual dysfunction expert at St Mary’s Hospital, West London, says: “Some men who suffer from retarded ejaculation report that the combination of very erotic fantasies at masturbation, combined with high-level manual friction, enable them to climax in that scenario, but that vaginal sex is not so much of a turn-on, because the man does not get the same degree of stimulation and because the woman is not as erotic as their personalised masturbatory fantasy.”
Your ejaculation is retarded, ha ha ha
 
#17
hammy123 said:
762baynet said:
hammy123 said:
Im considering going for the kinetic solution, a home movie made with my ex before I married the current Mrs H, Im sure she will appreicate that this will help me through this rough patch.
A 'danger *'? Guaranteed to have the japanese sniper within a few strokes.
I feel she is being unfair in my hour of need, she has always mentioned about a threesome, but when I keep asking she bottles it. I think she would appreciate it if I took the initiative and got her mate pished and brought her back to the house. What do you reckon?
Nah mate, she's just worried that you'll just find out that you are a carp shag she just has around to pay for things and she gets her real kicks bean flicking her bezzer all round the bedroom while you're out earning the money. :lol:
 
#18
hammy123 said:
762baynet said:
hammy123 said:
Im considering going for the kinetic solution, a home movie made with my ex before I married the current Mrs H, Im sure she will appreicate that this will help me through this rough patch.
A 'danger *'? Guaranteed to have the japanese sniper within a few strokes.
I feel she is being unfair in my hour of need, she has always mentioned about a threesome, but when I keep asking she bottles it. I think she would appreciate it if I took the initiative and got her mate pished and brought her back to the house. What do you reckon?
Don't bother trying it with her mate, try it with her mother. :wink:
 
#19
meridian said:
Check out this link

http://onania.org/asm/archives/1612

You have a speshul medical condition called autosexual orientation.

The term covers men who are reliant on a completely constant form of self-stimulation as well as those who get used to such an “idiosyncratic” style of stimulation that they disable their ability to ejaculate during regular sex. When the sex that you have with yourself is so perfect that you can’t translate it into sex with someone else, you have a problem. Dr David Goldmeier, a sexual dysfunction expert at St Mary’s Hospital, West London, says: “Some men who suffer from retarded ejaculation report that the combination of very erotic fantasies at masturbation, combined with high-level manual friction, enable them to climax in that scenario, but that vaginal sex is not so much of a turn-on, because the man does not get the same degree of stimulation and because the woman is not as erotic as their personalised masturbatory fantasy.”
Your ejaculation is retarded, ha ha ha
I read that as overwanking.

Guilty yer 'onour
 
#20
hammy123 said:
IVe decided to have it out with Mrs H and just tell her that my spanking is better than sh*gging her. I dont have any options
You had two sexual encounters in one night. The first, successful, experience was with a man, namely yourself. The second, unsuccessful experience was with a woman, your missus.

The symptoms you describe indicate that you are a 'raving fudge packer'. This is a technical term used by doctors to describe brown hatters and my diagnosis is confirmed by one of your wedding photos:-



Ask your other half if she'd mind not bleaching her top lip any more, speaking in a deep voice and changing her name to 'Mike'. This is sure to make her more attractive to you.
 

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