Cant even fire a blank

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by hammy123, Mar 6, 2009.

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  1. Dear Aunty ARRSE

    Last night, whilst lying in my pit with Mrs Hammy, I decided since I couldnt sleep to crack one out whilst she was asleep. I couldnt be arrsed to vacate to the porn suite, or the spare room as its known so decided, since she seemed sound asleep, to knock a quick one into the quilt. Anyway, whilst approaching ground zero Mrs H awoke and politely queried what the feck was I doing spanking into the quilt when her chuff was ready, willing and able. So, not one to refuse an offer - I continued to do the wild thing with the Mrs. Now, this is where my problem, as I had been near the vinegar strokes with the spank, the Mrs expected me to start from scratch with the usual fondling, stroking, licking and punching. When it came to blast off, my weapon jammed and just wouldnt go bang. I tried all the usual drills but nothing worked. I found my mind wandering to events that had happened the previous day, what was happening the next day and so forth and my mind simply wasnt on the task of boning the mrs whilst she talked about a three some with her best mate.

    So, aunty Arrse, what am I to do? is this the first step into middle age and drooping willies, tatty juice and viagra?

    Please help

    Yours, ballsfittoburst, The Toon
  2. You've got this all wrong........your worrying about nothing, take yourself away, have a fag and coffee before the realisation sets in that you are infact firing on all cylinders and the problem lies with her..............have you considered a part ex?
  3. Getting her to slip a digit in your arrse? Can work wonders if they know what they're doing.. 8O
  4. Would be happy to help, but full professional advice would necessitate a personal consultation with your partner. You will need to be absent, in order that she may speak freely. PM her details and I'll arrange a home visit.
  5. Enjoy it. Not blowing should have you banging like a porn star.

    Adopt an air of arrogance, put your cowboy boots on and do her doggy with your hand on your hip.
  6. msr

    msr LE

    And a nonchalant attitude as you look over your shoulder into the mirror :)
  7. Dingerr, you forgot the watch, a great big fcuk off gold watch...
  8. Im considering going for the kinetic solution, a home movie made with my ex before I married the current Mrs H, Im sure she will appreicate that this will help me through this rough patch.
  9. You also need to keep your socks on you'll need a perm, bushy moustache and some vamping Hammond organ background music. Or, so I'm told...
  10. Maybe Mrs H's home made movie with her ex (and Leroy, bubba and the rest of the boyz from the hood) will help.
  11. A 'danger wank'? Guaranteed to have the japanese sniper within a few strokes.
  12. I hope she dosent recognise the room, its the same house you see

    She may also recognise some of the visual and vocal traits, I may need to revise my act and go for a new style of sh*gging, maybe 1970's man as mentioned, or hippie man or something. If I stick to "come on you feckin fat b*tch, make me come or I'll tw*t you one", she may see the similarities with the vid.
  13. meridian

    meridian LE Good Egg (charities)

    Is that like a 7 or a 3
  14. I feel she is being unfair in my hour of need, she has always mentioned about a threesome, but when I keep asking she bottles it. I think she would appreciate it if I took the initiative and got her mate pished and brought her back to the house. What do you reckon?
  15. meridian

    meridian LE Good Egg (charities)

    Check out this link

    You have a speshul medical condition called autosexual orientation.

    Your ejaculation is retarded, ha ha ha