Cannibals to fill vacant posts in the REME

Discussion in 'REME' started by BadManners, Jan 30, 2006.

Welcome to the Army Rumour Service, ARRSE

The UK's largest and busiest UNofficial military website.

The heart of the site is the forum area, including:

  1. Due to the current recruitment problem, the British Army recently recruited
    cannibals to fill vacant posts in the REME.

    "You are all part of our team now", said the CSM during the welcoming
    briefing. "You get treated the same as all the other recruits, and you can
    go to the cookhouse to eat, but please don't eat any of our other
    soldiers". The cannibals promised they would not.

    Four weeks later the CSM assembled the cannibals again. "You're all working
    very hard and I'm satisfied with your effort. However, the ASM has
    disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to him?"

    The cannibals all shook their heads "No".

    After the CSM had left, the senior cannibal
    said to the others, "OK, which
    one of you idiots ate the ASM?"

    A hand rose hesitantly.

    "You fool!" he continued. "For four weeks we've been eating 'Officers' and
    no one noticed anything. But, NOOOoooooooooo, you had to go and eat someone
    who actually does something!"
  2. Eating people is wrong.
  3. Even Officers?
  4. ESPECIALLY Officers! they cause me gut ache and make me ill all the time!
  5. Bad Manners, very good, however.....

    REME are on the march on an Adventure Training package through the deep jungle of Belize, when they come through a clearing. There in the center of the clearing is a huge 30ft stone idol with two massive clusters of gems as its eyes! The VM immediately runs up and tries to pull the gems off with his bare hands, when the stone idol bellows...

    “To take these gems and safely pass, you must fcuk my rocky ass!”

    The VM is flung to the ground. The Recy Mech comes up with his greasy, frayed rope and manufactures a form of pulley using trees (giving a ratio of 2:1 using a correct EP). He attaches one end to the gems and pulls, just as the gems seems to budge, out bellows the stone idol…

    “To take these gems with your rope that’s rotten, you must fcuk my stoney bottom!”

    The Recy Mech is flung to the ground. Suddenly the Tech Storeman rocks up with a tub of barrier cream. He lubricates the gems and starts to prize out with one of his bukshee tools, again the gems seem to move when suddenly the stone idol booms out…

    “To take these gems with your barrier cream, fcuk my ass and make me scream!”

    The Tech Storeman is flung to the ground. Up steps the OC with his chocolate brown Labrador. He smears the gems with dog food steps back and bellows “fetch it Bollinger.” The dog legs it and grips hold of the gems with his teeth and pulls like mad, the officer pulls out his hunting stick and tries in vain to help, when suddenly the stone idol booms out…

    “To take these gems with that dog of yours, you must kick down my back doors!”

    The pedigree breed and his dog (arf arf) are flung to the floor. Out of nowhere the MT driver steps forward and inserts a bottle jack between the gems and his nose. He turns the knob like a madman, the gems move slowly but the stone idol bellows………

    “To prize these gems with your bottle jack, you must fcuk my limestone crack!”

    The MT waller is flung to the ground. Up steps the ASM, faces the stone idol and whispers in his ear. He steps back, throws the Tech to the idol’s feet. Almost immediately, the gems light up and the stone idol bellows out a huge booming laugh, then shouts……..

    “I’ve had the tradesmen, officers and truckers…bring on the Techs- they are idol fcukers!”
  6. Quality, at last you hae ajoke worth telling, nice one Crackle Nose
  7. If you know me, then you know that they are only gonna get worse!!

  8. My ASM smiled...he actually smiled. Do you have the phone number of those cannibals please....The ASM's Wife xxxxx
  10. Headof_Corp(Future) - How about one of your really interesting jokes????