Canadian gunutz humour

Discussion in 'Shooting, Hunting and Fishing' started by ugly, Aug 21, 2008.

Welcome to the Army Rumour Service, ARRSE

The UK's largest and busiest UNofficial military website.

The heart of the site is the forum area, including:

  1. ugly

    ugly LE Moderator

    Written by a guy in Saskatchawen whilst he watched his dog run away, it took a whole week;
    [/quote]The Rules Of Rural Canada Are As Follows


    1. Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot.
    2. Turn your cap right, your head isn't crooked.
    3. Let's get this straight; it's called a 'dirt road.' I drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.
    4. They are cattle. They're live steaks. That's why they smell funny to you. But they smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? Highways goes north and south. Pick one.
    5. So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed. We have $150,000 combines and hay balers that are driven only 3 weeks a year.
    6. So every person in Rural Canada waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.
    7. If that cell phone rings while an 8-point buck and 3 does are coming in, we WILL shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.
    8. Yeah, we eat biscuits & gravy, beans & cornbread. You really want sushi & caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.
    9. The 'Opener' refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.
    10. We open doors for women. That is applied to all women, regardless of age.
    11. No, there's no 'vegetarian special' on the menu. Order steak. Or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham & turkey.
    12. When we set a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup.
    13. You bring 'coke' into my house, it better be brown, wet and served over ice.
    14. You bring 'Mary Jane' into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.
    15. Junior and Minor Hockey is as important here as the Leafs and Habs, and more fun to watch.
    16. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards -- it spooks the fish.
    17.. Colleges? We have them all over. We have Universities and Community Colleges, They come outta there with an education plus a love for God and country, and they still wave at everybody when they come for the holidays.
    18. We have a whole ton of folks in the Canadian Forces. So don't mess with us. If you do, you will get whipped by the best.
    19. Turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity-thump crap ain't music, anyway. We don't want to hear it anymore than we want to see your boxers. Refer back to #1.
    20. 2 inches of ice isn't a blizzard - it's a vacation. Drive like you got some sense in it, and DON'T take all our bread, milk, and bleach from the grocery stores. This ain't Alaska , worst case you may have to live a whole day without croissants. The pickups with snow blades and Tractors with Snow Blowers will have you out the next day.
  2. Hmm sounds like someone stole it from a Yank and added a few Canuckisms.

    Deer hunting season IIRC runs from Sept-ish to late October;
    Our cell phone coverage in the prairies is at best, spotty - and if you are getting a strong enough signal to get a call, you aren't anywhere where the hunters go;
    We'd never compare our winters to an Alaskan one as we have our own lovely, cold, north of 60;
    Roads out on the prairies tend to run east and west;
    Cornbread isn't high up on a Canuck menu (that's a southern Yank thing - we're more into supporting our wheat products);
    Saskatchewan is a grain producing province...the beef guys are over one province.

    Still a funny piece though.