Can you judge the size of your turds?

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by RubberWheeler, Jan 30, 2013.

Welcome to the Army Rumour Service, ARRSE

The UK's largest and busiest UNofficial military website.

The heart of the site is the forum area, including:

  1. I had a quick crap before leaving work last night, I didn't risk waiting 'till I got home - I learnt that the hard way! Anyway the cleaners had recently serviced the traps so I knew I was working with a blank canvas. I forced out what I believed to be a Bounty Bar sized nugget. Imagine my surprise when I saw a 14" growler curled up in the U-bend! It was still there after 2 flushes so I left it to soak. Anywho this got me to wondering if I'm alone in my inability to guesstimate the size of my Richard IIIs from friction alone?
  2. i laid one at work today, came in three pieces, length wise at least 8 inch a piece and the girth of a cucumber, fuck knows how i pinched them out, but to my horror they would not i left em.
  3. TheIronDuke

    TheIronDuke LE Book Reviewer

    Do a 360. See a wife? Children? Friends?

    No? Thought not. Then you are alone.

    Jesus. Somebody turn the light off. I think the light is attracting the cunts.
    • Like Like x 9
  4. I don't take them to work with me, I'm allowed out by myself.
  5. christ, i aint, in fact, i have an entorage of flashing lights where ever i go, been happening a while now, funny men in funny hats keep trying to hold my hands and give me strange braclets.......
    • Like Like x 2
  6. TheIronDuke

    TheIronDuke LE Book Reviewer

    Thats nice. Oh look - it is my sister. Over there. I shall run to see her...

    Somebody nick that fucking nutter, would you? Jesus.
    • Like Like x 1
  7. Never can tell how big your shit is going to be on visual inspection.

    Like them ones that you need a good few breaths to squeeze out, terrified that you're going to be split in two in the process, only to discover that the fucking things are the size of rabbit droppings.
  8. Fixed it for you.
  9. I'm not going to shit for a week, I may need to lay the result in the bath if you want a piccy
    • Like Like x 1
  10. Thank fuck its not just me, many a time I've had a Mars bar sized one drop out, smooth and not too dry, not too wet, a lovely 2 wiper. Upon turning round a cry of 'Fuck, that's a biggie!' is customary as something similar in size and shape to a Boa Constrictor sits in its throne, resting its head against the side of the bowl a good 8 inches out the water.
  11. Back when MRE's were new, the resultant constipation, impaction and delayed movements resulted in some interesting sewer snakes. A couple of weeks in the field could result in some real "standers." Meaning you had to stand up, or would be pushed up, as the monstrosities produced would refuse to fall apart, have a diameter roughly the same as a beer stein and they seemed to not stop until you had completely cleared the entire 1.5-2.0 meter length of your lower intestine.
  12. I did that once when I was pissed, came in from the pub and shat in the bath. The mrs went fucking nuts the next morning and then even more nuts when I tried blaming it on the cat. I can still hear her now "Its a cat not fucking Digby"

    Posted from the ARRSE Mobile app (iOS or Android)
    • Like Like x 4
  13. I just laid a spicy one, didn't get the tape measure out though, I just buried it in bogroll and kept flushing. I think it's gone away now.
    • Like Like x 5