Can I have some please?

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by scrofula, Nov 25, 2008.

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  1. Considering that Citibank has just been handed a public bung in the US nearly half the size of that which was given to the whole financial sector a fortnight ago, I wonder if Cyclops would consider giving my modest biz, which although solvent in fact, like the banks, is failing to satisfy the shareholders (me) a tiny bung of a couple of hundred grand, so I can pay bonuses ( to me) and prevent me from laying off skilled employees ( yes, me again). Somehow I don't see a distinction and I want my money now thanks, Scottish socialist.
  2. Good news Scrofula. Gordon feels your pain and he has asked me to investigate your eligibility for a bung. Please answer the following questions:-

    1 What skills do you have? Are they relevant to modern Britain (e.g. diversity consultant, 5 a day fruit 'n veg coordinator, human rights lawyer)

    2 Have you ever made donations to the Labour Party? If not, would you consider doing so?

    3 Are you openly Scottish?

    4 Do you embrace diversity, or does diversity embrace you?

    Let me have your answers asap and I'll let you know the size of the bung that might be available.
  3. Dear Mr Mariner Sir, In answer to your kind consideration of my application for a moderately large taxpayer - funded licence to drink in Central Europe until my liver gives out, may I answer your kind questions as follows:

    1. I studied law at university but the lad with wings and a harp who sits on my right shoulder told me that it would be a bad thing to do as a job. I now occasionally teach lawyers English and enjoy rubbing their shortcomings in their face. I eat fruit and vegetables from time to time, and drink extracts thereof more regularly. I'm afraid of starting a stall in case someone touches my plums
    2. As a 1st year novice student at university I paid membership to the Labour Party Young Socialists. They never gave me a card or a receipt and I left after 3 meetings through sheer boredom.
    3. I lived in Scotland for 12 years, in fact in Mr. Cyclops's constituency of Dunfermline. I hope this will be somewhat advantageous.
    4. The only thing that has embraced me closely is a jacket with no arms. Does this make me diverse?

    Comments to help my claim.
    Even though I am a man, I am a committed lesbian. Although I would like a scabby dog, I can't afford the piece of string to keep it in order in public. I kiss immigrants and I love the yoof kulture of today.
    Can I get my dosh now, I need to go to Lidl?
  4. Biped

    Biped LE Book Reviewer

    Erm, can we call this 'Community Training' and add me to the bung list too. As Scrofula, I am also currently solvent, with large reserves of stock, but not making huge amounts of wedge. I also fear that my dividends may be somewhat at risk this financial period, and would like to ensure that people (me and scrofula) don't suffer undue hardship.

    I am more than happy to employ some worthless scrote on absolute minimum wage (with half of that being found by the job centre) for a period of 6 months to clean my . . . . the office, and am happy to ensure that said worthless scrote is ethnicity reassigned and gender diverse.

    If my business goes t!ts up due to the current global financial fu . . . crisis, and it's not Gordon's fault, honest hoots 'tais not ye ken, then our local community of poor hunt . . . tree people will be without the resources they need to ki . . . . enjoy nature.

    In answer to the the Gobment Questionnaire:

    1 What skills do you have? Are they relevant to modern Britain (e.g. diversity consultant, 5 a day fruit 'n veg coordinator, human rights lawyer)

    I have a penchant for all things green, and an aversion to anything that creates instant sunshine. I love all things non-white and like listening to foreign gobbledegook being spoken at me. I make regular donations to foreign ladies, free of charge.

    2 Have you ever made donations to the Labour Party? If not, would you consider doing so?

    Not yet, but I'm currently building up a cache of items I wish to donate, and plan to do so at great speed on a ballistic trajectory.

    3 Are you openly Scottish?

    Hoots mon, what hae that gaw te de with the price aw haggis, ye ken? Are ye wee wedgies questionin mah ethni, ath, enth, where ah hail from are ye?

    4 Do you embrace diversity, or does diversity embrace you?

    I regularly embrace diversity and vice versa, in the deliverance of my donations.
  5. My dad lives in Aberdeenshire.Can I get some free money too please?
    I have eaten haggis.
    I will dance on Cyclops' grave asap after his demise.
  6. Vanthe man, No sorry, eating haggis is a common habit amongst men with taste, living in or near Aberdeen is an affliction, being on Arrse gets you null powonts either. I want that dosh, and if yer not careful I'll pull out my gat, now watch it there chap.Or else. Or something, or, where's me vitamins?
  7. BuggerAll

    BuggerAll LE Reviewer Book Reviewer

    I just watched one of Gordon's assistant mongs (the one with odd eyebrows) on the news telling me that I might be getting a bung. The one who runs around after the Tory toff reckoned it was all b@lloxs and that I would not notice the bung but I'd bloody well notice it when it comes time to pay it back!

    As for embracing diversity - I feel that as a nation we are taking it up the arrse from zaNu Labour and have been for some time - isn't that diverse enough.

    I am Scottish!
  8. As a Welshma.... person, I wish to complain to this excelent. wonderfull and exceptionaly gifted government ( NOTE the crawling) about the fact that they are implying that the reception of bungs is reserved for porrigewo..... our celtic/galic bretherin to the north.

    Here in Godsland we to are feeling the pinch now that th Septics have stolen Katherin Jenkins and also since the failure of his putch Hain is spending lotes more time at home

    we even lost the rugby to show solidarity with the other home nations, so in conclusion can we have an application for the gravy train as well please
  9. FFS, this actually made me laugh. Sad act.
  10. While we're on the begging train, can you pay off the rest of my mortgage? It's not much, just short of 100,000?

    Pay it off and for the next 20 years I'll pay you more tax, my kids will pay you more tax and my grand kids also.

    If you do this I promise to kiss ethnic minorities on a daily basis(my wife's half English and I'm openly Jockenese) and I'll spend all my newly released cash on an education fit for foreign lands(read immigrating).
  11. A mugger accosts a man walking in London and says "Gimme all your fcuking money". The man replies "you can't do this, I'm a member of parliament!" "Well gimme all my fcuking money then!"
  12. blue-sophist

    blue-sophist LE Good Egg (charities)

  13. I too would like a subsidy from the UK government in that I'm a true patriot, having long ago left my country for my country's good. For a very minor subsidy I would be happy to stay on at an Aussie beach for as long as necessary, thereby saving the Treasury my social income support, medical bills, public transport needs, pension, etc, etc. Please send the money to: "The Crazy Pom wearing a knotted handkerchief, Monkey Mia caravan park, next to the pile of empty beer bottles."

    For a few dollars more I could also find accommodation for a couple of UK ex-baby boomer females who, if no longer booming, are willing to settle for an occasional bang on the barbie. Clothing optional but must like dolphins.