Having a bit of time on my hands lately, I wonder if it would be possible to get a job as a Government Advisor? You know, the dicks that swan around the world on freebies and come back with great ideas which the government then take on board to justify the expenses of sending them abroad in the first place. Some the ideas they have come up with have been brilliant: 1. A nice little jolly over to the Netherlands, or Germany, or Belgium (or preferably all 3 to extend the trip at the taxpayers expense). See these nice cycle lanes they have with road marking, their own traffic lights etc which keeps them off the road. Then come back to UK and paint a bit a 10 foot stretch of road red with a picture of a bike on it. You could have them every couple of miles or so, allow cars to park on them and then say how green we are by providing these magnificent cycle lanes. Bet that little holiday, whoops - sorry, consultation sojourn cost a bob or two. 2. How about a trip to France or Spain? See how they put big skips in various places which everyone has to put their rubbish in. What a great idea? The fact that these are emptied every day in Spain and on the South of France doesn't matter. Just because they are collected every other day in the North of France doesn't matter, either. Nor the fact that these countries have extended families and send the young ones up with a bag a day. We'll stick them up in UK, empty them every two weeks so the skips can fester and overflow and make the little old granny who lives by herself walk the 3 miles up the road to stick her rubbish in. We can then say how green we are and are listening to what the people actually want. That this fact-finding mission in holiday resorts cost the taxpayer a small fortune in hotel bill doesn't matter. 3. And, whilst in Spain, have a look at how the nurses work in hospitals. They don't look after the patients over there. Oh, no, they expect the families to come and bring extra food and fluff up the pillows. What a great idea now that we are only going to have degree educated nurses in UK. Must be tons of families who can come and sit with relatives all day. After all, we wouldn't want our nurses to actually have to look after patients, would we? You'll be wanting them to make beds next! 4. Fancy a longer haul trip? One of the powerful nations that we want to build up a relationship with and ensure that we are still punching above our weight in the world? Got it! Mauritius. What better place to ensure Britain can still run with the best of the pack (a team of 6 MPs actually did that a few years ago). 5. Of course, we don't have much experience of digging stuff out of the ground in UK, or "mining" as some people still call it. Time to visit that world leader in mining to see how it is done. Where better than Honduras? OK, it's a shit hole but the weather in February is far better than UK. I'm sure we can pick up a few tips on how it should really be done. So, how do I actually apply for one of these jobs? I'm sure I could do with the all-expenses paid junkets and come up with some better ideas than those already on the gravy train. Or is it one of those dead-man shoes careers or even, shock - horror, one of those positions where it's who you know rather than what you know? Judging by some of the dickheaded ideas that come out, I'm inclined to think it's the latter.