Fuck me. I have stumbled into Charlie Chalks Childrens Playground. £15 for a single child, £25 for a family ticket. Tea, coffee and scones are available in the Mumsypoos Cafe and dont miss our Feng Shui Yoga All Men Are Bastards group therapy session on Tuesday morning which you will be able to attend since you dont do any fucking work because you divorced him and shafted the poor fucker for half of everything he owns you whingeing raddled fucking bitch so now you can do the coffee morning and Valium circuit and bleat on to other badly dressed bitter old fat tarts.
I should have thought that the best course of action was to play the long game, register as a single dad with a suitably appealing profile and conveniently dead wife over whose sad demise you require comfort. The kid could be mildly mongy in a heartrending but non-ugly manner. Maybe suffering a wasting disease.
As its dad, you could be a former underwater knife-fighting megasoldier, who quit to take care of dying wife/sick child, and has taken up a career counselling dying youngsters. Throw in lines like "the conflicts of the human mind can be every bit as hard and dangerous as the conflicts of war".
Be careful not to drown in the tsunami of clunge-juice.
Go and look at the teenage section where they post about their teenage children. If these women are anything like they say their kids are they are utter filth and probably up for mother/daughter threesomes.