I understand that those thriving cesspits of sloth and sexual alienation known as universities are starting back up this week. Apparently they have this tradition called "Freshers Week" whereby all the virgins in the establishment are deflowered by scared looking boys who smell of marijuana. I'm appalled by this caligulan excess and as a concerned resident of the environs of Cambridge, I want to try to steer the young girls away from such temptation ans show them the inherent truth and holiness of abstinence. Can any of the younger arrsers hook me up with the necessary documentation to get me into the various student unions of Lucy Cavendish, New Hall, Newnham, Downing,etc - not Magdelene though, obviously - so that I, and some of my fellow concerned citizens, can attend and sell bibles to the impressionable young girls? Likewise, myself and General Melchett are so disgusted by the Sade-esque depravities of Oxford University, in particular the sapphic utopia of St Hilda's college, that we feel compelled to cleanse them with our own brand of christian 'tough love.' If anyone can help us in our noble quest, and suggest likely cover stories (I'm thinking of appointing myself as the new lecturer in Home Economics, GM can be the gardener), please contact me. The thought of all those nubile and naive young ladies fiddling with themselves and others is almost too much for me to bear.