Lady Chalk and I have been chatting on t'interweb. We do this often as she is currently residing in the Smogosphere Of Old London Town and I am in Brumopolis where the ChalkCave is. We see each other on weekends and enjoy a healthy amount of wing-earnage, come Blob or shine, and every Friday I will the 1800 Virgin Pendolino train to pull into Euston so I can, comparatively speaking, do the same. This is usually enough. I don't ask for much in life, but the opportunities to kick the back doors of my Mrs in wrapped in the flag of my country whilst she sings Land of Hope and Glory in an increasingly high-pitched tone are the ones I cling to. However, during our evening chat, Lady Chalk started getting a little amorous and proposed demonstrating how to give a fist full of dollars to a purse as only the sausage-fingered bint can. 'F*ck yeah', I thought, expecting at least ten (five) minutes of slavering ham cavern that I could let my mind wonder through. However, as the grainy, poorly lit 640x480 image of her flange beamed its way across the internet, I suddenly realised what a f*cking mess it actually is. Image quality aside, she has got an ugly set of gammon gates. It's something I think I've noticed before, I think, but am usually too *ahem* distracted to register but the twin enemies of distance from the camera and a sober, thinking mind railed against me. As I stared more and attempted to coerce Chalk Jr into some action lest she think I'd switched teams, I began to think I could never stick my Man of Steel in there again. Then, as if to pound the problem home, she decided to flick a decent gob of lady juice all over the shop and then show me! Normally I'd be chomping at the proverbial, but it really turned my stomach. I'm in a crisis now. I am a minge connoisseur. I know taste and style and even the years it was laid down. But all this means nothing because the badly stuffed kebab of my nearest and dearest has turned my stomach. I don't think I can ram another woman again and I only have until Friday to work it out. How can I regain my axe-wound love? How can I get Jr back in the game and how, for the love of God how, do I make my Mrs realise what a gopping hole she has? WHAT THE F*CK DO I DO?!!