Cam Sex With Your Mrs and Why Its Rubbish

Discussion in 'The ARRSE Hole' started by Chalky, Jan 9, 2007.

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  1. Lady Chalk and I have been chatting on t'interweb.

    We do this often as she is currently residing in the Smogosphere Of Old London Town and I am in Brumopolis where the ChalkCave is. We see each other on weekends and enjoy a healthy amount of wing-earnage, come Blob or shine, and every Friday I will the 1800 Virgin Pendolino train to pull into Euston so I can, comparatively speaking, do the same.

    This is usually enough. I don't ask for much in life, but the opportunities to kick the back doors of my Mrs in wrapped in the flag of my country whilst she sings Land of Hope and Glory in an increasingly high-pitched tone are the ones I cling to.

    However, during our evening chat, Lady Chalk started getting a little amorous and proposed demonstrating how to give a fist full of dollars to a purse as only the sausage-fingered bint can.

    'F*ck yeah', I thought, expecting at least ten (five) minutes of slavering ham cavern that I could let my mind wonder through.

    However, as the grainy, poorly lit 640x480 image of her flange beamed its way across the internet, I suddenly realised what a f*cking mess it actually is. Image quality aside, she has got an ugly set of gammon gates. It's something I think I've noticed before, I think, but am usually too *ahem* distracted to register but the twin enemies of distance from the camera and a sober, thinking mind railed against me. As I stared more and attempted to coerce Chalk Jr into some action lest she think I'd switched teams, I began to think I could never stick my Man of Steel in there again. Then, as if to pound the problem home, she decided to flick a decent gob of lady juice all over the shop and then show me! Normally I'd be chomping at the proverbial, but it really turned my stomach.

    I'm in a crisis now. I am a minge connoisseur. I know taste and style and even the years it was laid down. But all this means nothing because the badly stuffed kebab of my nearest and dearest has turned my stomach. I don't think I can ram another woman again and I only have until Friday to work it out. How can I regain my axe-wound love? How can I get Jr back in the game and how, for the love of God how, do I make my Mrs realise what a gopping hole she has?

  2. What you normally do...carry on pretending she is someone else and if she has the audacity to look around at you whilst you are giving here the best couple of minutes of your day then give here a quick dig in the kidneys whilst shouting.."who's your daddy!".
  3. ...alternatively there are some clinics that will do some 'nip and tuck' work for ladies and their bacon sandwiches for a small fee.
  4. Are you going to share your efforts with the Naafi?
  5. This is why Gordon F***ing Bas%^&* C*N$ Ramsey has not seen any of his kids being born...did'nt want to be "put off".

    Personally, it would take more than a look to stop suck it up and crack on!

    Failing that let ere go on top facing away or do 'er poop chute!
  6. Cutaway

    Cutaway LE Reviewer

    If you really want some help from Arrse, I suggest you put the pics up with a poll and let the assembled masses pass judgement.
  7. I feel your pain Chalky. A few months ago, me and the missus spent a week in a cheap motel where we engaged in all kinds of kinkiness that we put on tape for "posterity."

    In our hurry to leave said motel room, we inadvertently left several cassettes of 'action' behind. Recently, as I was doing 'research' on an adult site that was recommended by a certain idiot on Arrse, I stumbled on clips of me and Mrs D_D perfoming a certain act which is generally refered to as a "creampie.''

    Now we live in total that fear somebody will see us and put a face and a name together. It is a fear that is not assuaged by the fact that most of my associates are avid travellers to said website.

    In the interests of full disclosure, I will venture to add that this is the 'guilty' site. If you hung around long enough, you might get to see me.

    You know you want to.
  8. Which ones you then? :p
  9. Trade secret.