Calling all "Arrse Relate" Counsellors

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by Firehorse, Dec 18, 2007.

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  1. OK, I know many of you have been here.....

    An internet chum of mine has got himself into a bit of a tight spot (well, actually I get the impression it was more like stirring a bucket of swarfega) and is in urgent need of advice from all the site sages.

    Many moons ago, when he was a sweet, innocent young lad with scarcely a carnal thought in his head (ok, I made that last bit up) he met a lass of great charm and purity who stole his heart.....ahhhhhhh (altogether now :D ) They frolicked in the springtime of their lives enchanted by their fresh, simple affection for one another with the birds singing in the trees above them as they placed garlands of meadow-flowers in each other's hair and pledged eternal love.

    It was all very touching in a non-physical sense (which seems to have rankled for over a decade) and their relationship endured right up until the moment she uttered the immortal words "You're dumped" and, to quote Paddy Roberts' "Ballad of Bethnal Green", "in a fit of pique she married the Greek" and was not heard of again.

    Time passed, our boy got himself a life, steady relationship and commitments and pretty much forgot her. Then, lo and behold last week, the lass who had so haunted his dreams previously, makes contact. The maiden he once thought to be his one true love is once more available. An assignation is arranged.........and kept.

    At this point it all starts going pear-shaped :D

    I asked how the evening (spent at her house) went, and I quote:

    "She's turned into a munter, she's boring as hell, and the sex was lousy!"

    I am sure you will join with me in commiserating with him in his hour of disillusionment and tragedy.

    It's funny how, having once been so close, their opinions have diverged. She is now innundating him with emails wishing to rekindle their relationship.

    "Shame you couldn't get on line over the weekend. Really missing you. I know we have only just got reaquainted after 13 years and this may not be appropriate but i know how i feel , i defifnatley love you and don't want to scare you off but had to tell you. Am rather scared that there will be no future for us as you won't want to leave ****** but i am convinced that you are who i want to grow old with

    I know this is all very sudden but i have felt like this for years and couldn't find you and now that i have i don't want to let you go

    I had a great time too and hope it will be the start of a beautiful future together, I really meant it when i said i want to grow old with you. Hope that can be possible, probubly best to get rid of my tosser once and for all first. Love you."

    My advice was "Try to meet up with "my tosser", afterwards explain to her that you've discovered you're gay and are considering leaving **** for him."

    Or go round with a tub of houmous and a goat. I also suggested he take round a few mates but he reckons that's what got him into this mess in the first place.

    So, our poor lad needs help, advice and understanding. Or the name of a reliable hit man. Otherwise he risks having an obese, rough old hag who can't spell or shag pitching up at his place of work and doing the "hell hath no fury" bit

    Over to you :D
  2. old_fat_and_hairy

    old_fat_and_hairy LE Book Reviewer Reviews Editor

    Send her round to my cave!
  3. Try the "this is bill he is my boyfriend" trick with a mate. You perhaps.
  4. Biped

    Biped LE Book Reviewer

    Sounds like she's big on swarfega . . . mmmm, interesting choice of lubricant, but it takes all sorts I suppose.
  5. OFH, I fear your input may be of limited value - I doubt you've ever tried to get rid of a woman in your life! :D
  6. And now she's dressed in mink?

    As for advice, a belated conversion to homosexualism might do the trick. Otherwise, pop smoke.

    Good luck Firehorse - sorry, I meant to your friend ......
  7. I'd suggest that he hammer a cricket stump up her vaganus and petrolbomb her gaff on the way out.
  8. old_fat_and_hairy

    old_fat_and_hairy LE Book Reviewer Reviews Editor

    True, I usually keep them in the freezer for posterity. And relief.

    But they have been known to run away screaming.
  9. Perhaps 'your friend' could quote the above description to the lady in question :wink:
  10. I suppose him being honest with her would be too much to ask.
  11. Do you thaw them first or do internal ice crystals provide a certain additional frisson?

    (I ask in the interests of academic research, you understand :D )
  12. God damn "Facebook" eh?? It's got a lot to answer too! At least 2 accounts of me stalking ex's anyhow ;)
  13. old_fat_and_hairy

    old_fat_and_hairy LE Book Reviewer Reviews Editor

    Oh no. Defrosting is bad. Keep them frozen, for freshness and reality. They are just like real women when they are frozen and cold.
  14. Oii, it was just a cold shoulder that's all!
  15. To decide on this serious matter, we really need all the facts.

    Get her picture in the gallery now. :D