By your emissions shall they know you

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by Cuddles, Nov 17, 2006.

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  1. Now I make no bones about this, I f4rt like a good 'un, always have and always will do be careful lifting the coffin at the end! My Fenian Bride however asserted the other day that she could a)tell my f4rts from the dog's and b)that my latest pump production was inhuman.

    Surely assertions a) and b) are at logical opposites with each other? If my guffs are inhuman how can she tell them from other localised animal flatulence - and boy doesn't Windsor give it laldee, I wonder if his natural colour is brown sometimes or if it's just scorching.

    If she really can tell the difference should I start to eat dog food, or perhaps get him to drink more beer in a bizarre form of D Plan?

    Any thoughts? charcoal biscuits and buttplugs have already been suggested...
  2. ViroBono

    ViroBono LE Moderator

    I occasionally blame the dog for my own noxious effluvia. Mrs VB, however, claims that she can tell the difference. From time to time this may be because I have forgotten to confirm that the dog is actually in the same room, however.

    The dog, a cocker spaniel, drops room-clearers regularly, and a recent bout of diarrhoea produced bright yellow, runny sh!t coupled with truly hideous odours. She could lay double yellows no-one would want to park near! Naturally, my pride at the dog's flatulent talents is highly disapproved of.
  3. Nothing to be ashamed of; I point out regularly that it's like the Army - she knew what she was getting the day she lured me up the aisle. Nothing like an Egg Bihriani and side order of pickled cabbage. However, the Mags family now falsely accuse the me of dropping one whilst motoring when the creater is clearly a sheep that's been dead several days.
    Saying that, attended a BBQ where the mixed grilled veg had deathly impact and the dog got the blame. 'He's old, bless him'. The sad brute was shoved outside and the guests given the all clear to enter. Sadly, it meant putting the remainder on hold until we'd left. Farting. What a great thread. Well done!
  4. My report to the killer mist, "if that was mine I'd be telling everyone" only works if the room is full.
  5. Tis a role reversal in our house mrs Veg drops what can only be described as vaperised shite! I have honestly vomited at the smell she can and does produce with alarming regularity. does this make me the biatch?
  6. TheIronDuke

    TheIronDuke LE Book Reviewer

    Christmas shopping at the weekend with the two women I love most and I was stitched up like a kipper.

    We're rambling about one of those horrible cane furniture and nic-naks shops, where you have to move like a ballet dancer to avoid crashing a pyramid of Tiawanese elves into a rack of china horses and I have let loose a marvel of the farters art.

    Silent, long and the type that clings to things. Smiling quietly to myself, I moved on. They are a minute behind me. They reach ground zero and the Memsahib shouts "You b@stard". To which my dear old Mum responds with "He's always thought that sort of thing was funny. He's disgusting".

    Cue clucking and tutting from every bloody woman in the shop and me being as close to embarrassed as its possible to get.

    Thanks for the solidarity girls.
  7. Deniable ops no longer exist in your gaff then Your grace?
  8. Why deny a work of true art
  9. licolnshire sausages are my ammo of choice.. gave my missus at the time the mother of all asthma attacks while hold her under the duvet after we'd been to a bbq . I felt i right cnut having to knock on her mum and dads bedroom door @ 2 in the morning asking if they'd seen her inhaler and explaining what had caused her to have the first asthma attack in 2 years.

    Got to admit it made me gag too
  10. Our lass thuoght it'd be funny to pretend that her cats sweets were chocolate buttons. I had a nice hand full straight in to my gob, feck me they were foul.

    Next morning I was setting the duvet alight with some real good'uns. I have never produced anything that bad before, but told her its was her fault and the only cure was a bacon and egg banjo in bed.

    I gon one too.
  11. The missus and I both enjoyed a curry on Friday and during the subsequent morning of flatulence on Saturday we were able to keep a score card of whose was whose. Indeed we have never had too many problems telling one from the other: mine rate highly in the volume department and as such are difficult to deny, but the stench of hers are truly unholy. In short, mine scare the cat, hers strip the pant from the walls.

    After the horrors of Saturday, I've sent her to the doc's to get her ricker sewn up.
  12. Mr_Fingerz

    Mr_Fingerz LE Book Reviewer

    How did the pants get on the walls in the first place?
  13. Now c'mon - you know the answer to that..."How do you tell if it's time to change your undercrackers?" - You throw them at the wall and if they stick...... :D
  14. For a good early morning spate of air biscuits, I can highly recommend a few 'lucky' Guinness followed by Stagg Dynamite Hot Chilli on toast... Opened the door to my room this morning and the vapours nearly felled my house mate, who was unfortunate enough to be walking past at the time :twisted: :D
  15. This from a Septic homeopathic website:

    "20 replies 630 views

    I am suffering from flatulence for last 2-3 years. Lots of allopathic medicines but of no use.
    Problem increases in the evening and gets worse after dinner, until morning.

    I am 30 years age. married. 182 cm. 210 Pounds.

    No other health problems.

    Please let me know if anybody knows the cure for my problem in Homeopathy

    Thanks a lot

    Re: Flatulence - Farts From Joe De Livera [Log on to view profile] on 2006-09-04

    Try home remedy. Take a glass of water, mix 1/2 tsp of turmeric powder and a pinch of common salt and drink it. This should give you relief in an hour's time. Continue for 3 days once in a day.

    Re: Flatulence - Farts From bad.shape [Log on to view profile] on 2006-09-14

    Thanks Reiki. I tried this home remedy and my problem is reduced by more than 60 %.

    Thanks a lot for the advise. "

    :D So .... what's with the 60% estimate? Has he timed himself? Or are they 60% less fcuking smelly?