By john cleese

#1
ALERTS TO THREATS IN 2011 EUROPE: BY JOHN CLEESE

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Libya and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome " to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

john W
 
#2
I can't remember the last time I was sent two clean jokes but here's No 2.

James Bond was dining alone in one of the upmarket London restaurant he frequented, late one night. It just so happens that, at the adjacent table was a really delicious redhead, also by herself. He had been eying her since her arrival but as he was not really in the mood, he had decided against starting any conversation. Just as James was about to sample his wine, she suddenly sneezed. Like a transparent bullet, a glass eye whizzed past James’s nose. Quick as a flash, James’s reflects instantly reacted and grabbing the passing object, he turned to the woman, he said ‘ Excuse me but I believe this may be yours’ and he gently handed it back to her upturned hand.
"Oh, I am so sorry," the redhead said, as she popped her eye back in its socket. "Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you,"
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together and afterwards went to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his and she listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come back to her place for a nightcap ...... and stay for breakfast. Of course they have a wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooked James a gourmet breakfast with all the trimmings. James was somewhat bemused, everything had been so perfect "You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every chap you meet?"
‘Oh no," she replies, "You just happened to catch my eye."


john W
 

wedge_cadman

War Hero
Kit Reviewer
Book Reviewer
#4
You missed off

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." T wo more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is canceled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.
 
#5
ALERTS TO THREATS IN 2011 EUROPE: BY JOHN CLEESE

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.
Raising the white flag to an inferior number of troops after making a total cock of defending a place you thought you'd never have to give up? I think that's what the French call the Singapore option.
 
#6
Raising the white flag to an inferior number of troops after making a total cock of defending a place you thought you'd never have to give up? I think that's what the French call the Singapore option.
You are Mel Gibson and I claim my five pounds
 

OldSnowy

LE
Moderator
Book Reviewer
#7
Raising the white flag to an inferior number of troops after making a total cock of defending a place you thought you'd never have to give up? I think that's what the French call the Singapore option.
Only after the Diggers there have mutinied and refused to fight, unlike the Brits and Gurkhas.
 
#10
ALERTS TO THREATS IN 2011 EUROPE: BY JOHN CLEESE

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Libya and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome " to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

john W

I Rofled xD
 
G

gladwda

Guest
#11
Only after the Diggers there have mutinied and refused to fight, unlike the Brits and Gurkhas.
And that Aussie bloke at the head of the whole thing buggers off in a wee boat having been the only man to see it coming!
 
#12
And that Aussie bloke at the head of the whole thing buggers off in a wee boat having been the only man to see it coming!
Gordon Bennett! No really, Gordon Bennett...

While never questioning Bennett's personal courage, Ligertwood concluded that his action had been unjustified. Bennett's stated reason for leaving Singapore was that he had learned how to defeat the Japanese (but had been let down by British and Indian troops) and he was obliged to communicate his knowledge to military authorities. Yet, he had proved no more proficient than other commanders in Malaya and his tactics were outdated. Just as important to him was his wish to lead the Australian army, a consuming aspiration which had been sharpened by not being given an early command. His prejudice against regular officers and his ambition clouded his professional judgement at the most important point in his career. When his most cherished goals were in tatters, he convinced himself that blame for his failure lay with others.
On balance a bit of a shit.
 

FORMER_FYRDMAN

LE
Book Reviewer
#13
You are Mel Gibson and I claim my five pounds
He certainly seems to have a similar relationship with strong drink. Hopefully he'll run himself over the next time he drains the brake fluid at cocktail time.
 
#14
Damn! I wanted to do the Gordon Bennett gag.

GB was a bit of a shit.

He had made some exceptionally powerful enemies prior to escaping from Singapore. His own fault of course. He wasn't much of a diplomat. He was a militia man and hated the regulars. Also, if 'hating pommy bastards' had of been an event at the '36 Berlin Olympics, Bennett would have represented Australia and won Gold.

He was a champion hater and he hated Percival and he hated Blamey. They had to wait until after the war though to 'get square' with a royal commission.

In his defence, his escape from Singapore AFTER THE SURRENDER, was as noble as any Colditz escape. He got to OZ with a hell of a lot less help than MacArthur for example. Big Mac had PT boats and Catalinas laid on for him. Bennett had to resort to piracy AND ACTUALLY WALK.

He's a much maligned figure of history. Too much, I think.

Mick
 
#15
During the Second World War, Warrant Officer JC Perkins took part in the raid on the famous French Dockyard Saint Nazaire. During the raid he was wounded and lost his right eye. After extensive hospitalisation he was released, having been issued with glass eye.
At his resettlement interview, he expressed the desire to pass on his experience and thus wanted to become a teacher. He was duly awarded a course on the forthcoming TEC, which was due to last for 3 years. He went through the course with flying colours until the last test, which was a live session with teenage boys and girls.
The lesson went smoothly, with the children paying rapt attention to this commanding man.
Suddenly he broke off and sneezed loudly, and his glass eye popped out of his head. he calmly bent down, picked it op from where it had rolled under the desk a one of the pupils, pulled out his handkerchief, wiped it off and replaced it in the eye socket,
The children gaped amazed at this exhibition of coolness and stood to give him a round applause as he ended the lesson.

The remarks on his report read "Very good teacher, but inclined to let his eyes wander".
 
#17
And that Aussie bloke at the head of the whole thing buggers off in a wee boat having been the only man to see it coming!
Can't have been... my late father-in-law (a Sergeant in the Indian Army) also "buggered off in a wee boat", and got picked up by a Dutch freighter about two weeks later. Spent the rest of the war with XIV army, and got demobbed in 1945 looking like he'd spent the war in Auschwitz.
 
#18
Raising the white flag to an inferior number of troops after making a total cock of defending a place you thought you'd never have to give up? I think that's what the French call the Singapore option.
Or Rabaul.....
 
#19
Damn! I wanted to do the Gordon Bennett gag.

GB was a bit of a shit.

He had made some exceptionally powerful enemies prior to escaping from Singapore. His own fault of course. He wasn't much of a diplomat. He was a militia man and hated the regulars. Also, if 'hating pommy bastards' had of been an event at the '36 Berlin Olympics, Bennett would have represented Australia and won Gold.

He was a champion hater and he hated Percival and he hated Blamey. They had to wait until after the war though to 'get square' with a royal commission.

In his defence, his escape from Singapore AFTER THE SURRENDER, was as noble as any Colditz escape. He got to OZ with a hell of a lot less help than MacArthur for example. Big Mac had PT boats and Catalinas laid on for him. Bennett had to resort to piracy AND ACTUALLY WALK.

He's a much maligned figure of history. Too much, I think.



Mick
Do you think so Mick? Ask his brigade commanders...they might not agree.
 
#20
Can't have been... my late father-in-law (a Sergeant in the Indian Army) also "buggered off in a wee boat", and got picked up by a Dutch freighter about two weeks later. Spent the rest of the war with XIV army, and got demobbed in 1945 looking like he'd spent the war in Auschwitz.
Thanks,phew.I'll sleep better for that.
 

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